I AM the SEX, the MONEY and the POWER (DMSI v2.4)

[DisneylandUSA]

Another "weepy" day. Feeling a little down about the whole #3 situation. Not to mention that I'm coming down with a bit of a cold. My mind is cloudy, I feel confused. I've got a headache, but every now and again, I feel a "pulse" of euphoria shoot through me -- the DMSI morphine drip that I've talked about in earlier posts. Like, I can literally feel a "pulse," just before the hit.

Very introverted, don't want to leave the house. Crazy, insane dreams that I can't remember, just how terrifying they were. One had a horror movie feel to it. Something out of "American Horror Story." Don't exactly remember what happened, only that they were extremely vivid and very much violent. Needless to say, the healing modules are really working a number on me. This resistance feels so different than anything I experienced in two rounds of AM6. I don't know if it's the nature of 5.5G, or if the healing modules are really working on something deep. I suspect that it's a mixture of both. I'm so torn -- I want to connect with women, but I'm very much aware of the damage that the modern woman can inflict on the psyche. They seem to be a ball of lies, deceit and manipulation, blissfully aware of it while thinking it's normal.

Was talking to my baby mama yesterday. She was telling me about how she and her new husband -- a really stand up, "pinnacle of the community" type guy -- have no secrets. I chuckled, asked her if she told him about a number of sordid events that occurred in her past. Of course, she hasn't. And what's worse, she still hangs out with the men that were involved in said sordid events. So, her husband doesn't know that she still hangs out with a group of men that did every nasty thing you can think of to her. And the mental gymnastics she took to justify why it's okay was absolutely hilarious. And all I could think is -- I'm running this subliminal that's dragging me through hell and for what? To re-enter another relationship like this? If I were going to walk along a path of hot coals, it should be because I'm running BASE 5G or something.

But this has always been a recurring issue with me. When the going gets tough, I run away, or indulge in a bunch of hedonism to cope. So... I gotta see this through.

Anyway...

Sent the hail mary, "so what's your schedule looking like" text to #3. No response. Guess that's done. Consulted my close friends about the whole ordeal. They took a look at the texts that L sent and they said the texts weren't bad at all. It's much more likely that #3 went out Saturday night, met someone new and just decided to fade away.

I'm a pretty stoic, mentally and physically resilient person, but I will say that this shit kinda hurts. In the past, I've always just internalized that pain, wrapped it up in all that hatred I had for women and just it tossed away. But now, it's starting to dawn on me that no matter how far I run, sooner or later, that pain catches up you, and you'll have to face it one way or another.

So for now, I'll stick with healing and see where it takes me.

EDIT: Went to Cracker Barrel alone for breakfast this morning (that's something I NEVER do -- eat at a restaurant alone). All the women there are generally old white women (as Cracker Barrel is a southern-styled, "mama's cooking" restaurant). Usually, being a minority, I get treated a bit out of place. Today... was crazy. Was treated as if I were a celebrity. The hostess beaming, rushing to make sure I had the perfect seat. Being served almost immediately. Constant refills. Free upgrade on the fruit. Was nuts. When I left, the woman wasn't at the register. She yells across the restaurant -- I'm coming sir, so sorry -- and dashes across to serve me.

The Baby Mama. Your 'Baby Mama' sounds like a Mother Theresa to her new husband; Wow, he's in for a Heavenly surprise :angel: