09-09-2016, 08:10 PM
Let me preface this by saying that I've got some kind of low-key cold and it's just dragging me down mentally.
Kind of a rough day. One thing I haven't mentioned is that since Stage 5 I'll have these moments where it just hits me how lonely I am. Not in the sense that I want a gf but that I haven't had any female companionship since the last and only girl I fucked 5 years ago. Has an effect on you as a man when something that...human...is lacking in your life. I've touched on this but there have been times at the gym where I just stop myself and ask, "Why am I doing this?". It can take a real dump on my motivation. Health should be a good enough answer but I'm not the only guy reading this who can honestly say that a big part of it is for looks. But if I'm not getting laid or even going after pussy, why do I need to look good? Rhetorical question.
Today at the gym I got the usual attention even though I didn't feel the usual confidence. There's a girl I told myself I'd talk to you the next time I saw her and I didn't. Besides that there was this girl who was dressed so low-key in sweat pants and a plain white top but her face was like 9 or 10 model material and you could tell that her silhouette was bangin under all that baggy shit. Her ass was the right kind of fat. A smile that would stop some guys dead in their tracks. I have a semi. I digress. So I was working out pretty close to her and she looked over at me at least ten times. Now I wasn't feeling particularly confident—and kind of like shit due to cold. In retrospect if I allow myself to pass up opportunities because I don't feel 7 kinds of prepared, I'll get nowhere. There's only one way to build up that skin. Or maybe the resistance simply become bearable. Or the act of defying bad instincts becomes instinct itself. There are definitely days where I feel more belligerent than others. So there was that. But honestly I was also in disbelief that she could be interested me. She seemed so out of my league. Haven't felt that in a while. The other thing is—and feel free to chime in here—I'm not sure if she came with a couple of guys, but she seemed to know like 3 or 4 bros who were there. They chatted her up intermittently and she would occasionally walk over to them. So I'm watching this and thinking ok look at all the attention she's getting. She's used to it. She knows she's a dime piece. Do I really want to walk over there and be yet another dude who strokes her ego?
Kind of a rough day. One thing I haven't mentioned is that since Stage 5 I'll have these moments where it just hits me how lonely I am. Not in the sense that I want a gf but that I haven't had any female companionship since the last and only girl I fucked 5 years ago. Has an effect on you as a man when something that...human...is lacking in your life. I've touched on this but there have been times at the gym where I just stop myself and ask, "Why am I doing this?". It can take a real dump on my motivation. Health should be a good enough answer but I'm not the only guy reading this who can honestly say that a big part of it is for looks. But if I'm not getting laid or even going after pussy, why do I need to look good? Rhetorical question.
Today at the gym I got the usual attention even though I didn't feel the usual confidence. There's a girl I told myself I'd talk to you the next time I saw her and I didn't. Besides that there was this girl who was dressed so low-key in sweat pants and a plain white top but her face was like 9 or 10 model material and you could tell that her silhouette was bangin under all that baggy shit. Her ass was the right kind of fat. A smile that would stop some guys dead in their tracks. I have a semi. I digress. So I was working out pretty close to her and she looked over at me at least ten times. Now I wasn't feeling particularly confident—and kind of like shit due to cold. In retrospect if I allow myself to pass up opportunities because I don't feel 7 kinds of prepared, I'll get nowhere. There's only one way to build up that skin. Or maybe the resistance simply become bearable. Or the act of defying bad instincts becomes instinct itself. There are definitely days where I feel more belligerent than others. So there was that. But honestly I was also in disbelief that she could be interested me. She seemed so out of my league. Haven't felt that in a while. The other thing is—and feel free to chime in here—I'm not sure if she came with a couple of guys, but she seemed to know like 3 or 4 bros who were there. They chatted her up intermittently and she would occasionally walk over to them. So I'm watching this and thinking ok look at all the attention she's getting. She's used to it. She knows she's a dime piece. Do I really want to walk over there and be yet another dude who strokes her ego?
Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
