09-08-2016, 08:45 AM
The urge to listen to E2 today is strong, but I'm still limiting myself to two hours. So far I'm feeling a lot better. There's definitely a strong desire to move past this stuff, whatever it is but I've come to accept that I can only do so much.
Looking back on how much I pushed myself to listen I saw clear signs that I ignored that I should have cut back. One was my obsessiveness grew, there's a certain neuroticism that I fall into when I'm overstimulated. Two, was my inability to focus which was probably due to the anxiety. And three was trouble dealing with crowds or large amounts of people. Being a cashier at a store really made this part suck for me because the constant interaction kept that fight or flight response on.
I don't want to say I'm a messed up person, but I think compared to the average person I've got a lot of deeper stuff going on than I thought. Something really odd happened to me the other day. There was a lot of talk about kids going back to school and I got this sinking feeling in my gut. It's like I was having flashbacks to being a kid and going to school and it was miserable for me. The anxiety every day before the bus came was terrible. I thought to myself, if something as simple as this developed an enormous amount of fear in me then there is probably a ton of other stuff I'm not even consciously aware of.
Looking back on how much I pushed myself to listen I saw clear signs that I ignored that I should have cut back. One was my obsessiveness grew, there's a certain neuroticism that I fall into when I'm overstimulated. Two, was my inability to focus which was probably due to the anxiety. And three was trouble dealing with crowds or large amounts of people. Being a cashier at a store really made this part suck for me because the constant interaction kept that fight or flight response on.
I don't want to say I'm a messed up person, but I think compared to the average person I've got a lot of deeper stuff going on than I thought. Something really odd happened to me the other day. There was a lot of talk about kids going back to school and I got this sinking feeling in my gut. It's like I was having flashbacks to being a kid and going to school and it was miserable for me. The anxiety every day before the bus came was terrible. I thought to myself, if something as simple as this developed an enormous amount of fear in me then there is probably a ton of other stuff I'm not even consciously aware of.
