EHPRA Journal

[4Kingdoms]

I've pretty much learned the social game, but when I play it I'm not me. I'm watching myself jump through all the hoops to get a favorable outcome, but I'm rarely myself. This makes any and all social interactions just plain suck for me. I've lived a large portion of my life feeling like if people knew the real me, they wouldn't like me. And I took that as the truth and never really challenged it enough. I guess at some point in my life it was true, otherwise why would I believe it? But I'm at a point in my life where I'd rather have people not like me and be happy, than keep trying to appear a certain way that pleases people.

Play the game, get ahead. Stop playing, get held back. Several people at my job play the game and they are known for being good at politics or bullshitting.

Then there is the other group of people at my job that refuse to play the game and they are unsatisfied with their choices. They know what is holding them back, they still refuse to play the game.

I try to find a balance. Be myself and play the game when it's to my advantage. I'm perceived as a "nice guy" and people are surprise when I speak up and defend myself. They didn't mind hurting my feelings, why should I care about raising my voice and hurting their feelings? Find a balance for yourself!!

This happens outside the workplace as well. Neighbors that try to run the neighborhood, I'm okay with that. Just don't try to run me.