09-05-2016, 09:59 AM
E2 has been touching on some deep stuff lately. One of the big ones is this fear I carry around of being myself. I'm not gonna lie, a lot of my life I've just felt different. But I didn't care enough to try to fit in more. So I kind of have just always felt like I'm on the outside looking in. But at the same time it's not like I'm confident, so I'm always trying to be what people want instead of myself. If this makes an sense, I'm constantly watching my own actions, what I say, how I say it, how the other person is responding to me, etc. Trying to come across in the most favorable way possible. But it's incredibly exhausting and ultimately a waste of my mental energy.
I've pretty much learned the social game, but when I play it I'm not me. I'm watching myself jump through all the hoops to get a favorable outcome, but I'm rarely myself. This makes any and all social interactions just plain suck for me. I've lived a large portion of my life feeling like if people knew the real me, they wouldn't like me. And I took that as the truth and never really challenged it enough. I guess at some point in my life it was true, otherwise why would I believe it? But I'm at a point in my life where I'd rather have people not like me and be happy, than keep trying to appear a certain way that pleases people.
In general I feel like a lot of the anxiety I feel day to day is just a result of me pressuring myself too much to fit in. And then it dawned on me the other day in quiet contemplation that I'm not the one messed up, it's the world around me. And I was angry, but I sent that anger to myself and beat myself up more about not fitting in. Yeah I felt guilt and shame about not fitting into the dysfunction a lot of other people seem to thrive in. But now I don't care and I'm going to let myself get angry about all the stupid social status aspects of this society that hang over people's heads daily that leave them feeling like they aren't a complete person. I don't want to be part of any of that shit. And I don't want to be influenced by anyone that adheres to that kind of messed up reality. But the most difficult thing has always been being painfully aware of all this and not knowing how to rise above it or not allow it to influence me. I guess the first step is allowing myself to feel that it's ok to be angry at the way things are and it's ok to want something more instead of stuffing myself into that prison.
I've pretty much learned the social game, but when I play it I'm not me. I'm watching myself jump through all the hoops to get a favorable outcome, but I'm rarely myself. This makes any and all social interactions just plain suck for me. I've lived a large portion of my life feeling like if people knew the real me, they wouldn't like me. And I took that as the truth and never really challenged it enough. I guess at some point in my life it was true, otherwise why would I believe it? But I'm at a point in my life where I'd rather have people not like me and be happy, than keep trying to appear a certain way that pleases people.
In general I feel like a lot of the anxiety I feel day to day is just a result of me pressuring myself too much to fit in. And then it dawned on me the other day in quiet contemplation that I'm not the one messed up, it's the world around me. And I was angry, but I sent that anger to myself and beat myself up more about not fitting in. Yeah I felt guilt and shame about not fitting into the dysfunction a lot of other people seem to thrive in. But now I don't care and I'm going to let myself get angry about all the stupid social status aspects of this society that hang over people's heads daily that leave them feeling like they aren't a complete person. I don't want to be part of any of that shit. And I don't want to be influenced by anyone that adheres to that kind of messed up reality. But the most difficult thing has always been being painfully aware of all this and not knowing how to rise above it or not allow it to influence me. I guess the first step is allowing myself to feel that it's ok to be angry at the way things are and it's ok to want something more instead of stuffing myself into that prison.
