08-31-2016, 09:14 AM
i'm a bit scared and nervous. i triggered some fear in myself, which in turn led to second,third,fourth guessing myself and the decisions i'm making for the future. I'm 27, and I don't have my shit together by any means. When I go back to the USA for good, I'll be coming back to a bank account with $100 in it, and basically no place to call my own, so I will likely be staying with my dad. I don't have any income opportunities lined up, nor is my car in the best working condition and even if it was, i don't know how i'll be able to fill up my tank with gas. so i've been thinking of selling the car for some extra moneys, but that would leave me with no transportation to get anywhere, and public transport doesn't run out to the suburbs where my dad lives.
At least here in india, I have my living situation taken care of, and i can get anywhere i need to get by bus and train which is quite efficient over here.
My emotions are sabotaging me again, and I see it as plain as day. The emotions make me want to carve out a little hole in a cave, and just hide there... hiding from the world and myself. but no, that's not a real option. these emotions make very little logical sense (as is the case quite a lot of the time). For one, finding sources of income has never been difficult for me. They always seemingly fall into my lap, without me doing much of anything. I am very well liked and respected in a community in Houston, and a lot of them own businesses and would probably be willing to give me a temporary job. In fact, two different guys even offered me gigs before I left to india, which i turned down because of leaving the counry. So the fear driven emotions are entirely unnecessary, and do not rationally follow my proven track record of being able to support myself financially. Things always work out in the long run. But this fear... I think it's connected in some form or fashion to a "fear of missing out", and so I'm subconsciously holding onto what appears to be a solid future, staying india... when i know that it really won't work out.
it's very interesting to see the battles within myself from a near outsider point of view. I see two sides battling within myself, observing it casually, but at the same time i'm the one experiencing it, so i feel i have to do something about it.
but one thing is very clear to me: i need to carve out a path, and stick to it and everything that comes along with it. i've been too wishy washy with shit my entire life, and i've gotta plant my roots somewhere otherwise i'll continue to be a floating vagabond, like i have been since i was 17....
this resistance is a piece of cake compared to what i'd been through in the previous 3 stages though, that's a HUGE relief!
At least here in india, I have my living situation taken care of, and i can get anywhere i need to get by bus and train which is quite efficient over here.
My emotions are sabotaging me again, and I see it as plain as day. The emotions make me want to carve out a little hole in a cave, and just hide there... hiding from the world and myself. but no, that's not a real option. these emotions make very little logical sense (as is the case quite a lot of the time). For one, finding sources of income has never been difficult for me. They always seemingly fall into my lap, without me doing much of anything. I am very well liked and respected in a community in Houston, and a lot of them own businesses and would probably be willing to give me a temporary job. In fact, two different guys even offered me gigs before I left to india, which i turned down because of leaving the counry. So the fear driven emotions are entirely unnecessary, and do not rationally follow my proven track record of being able to support myself financially. Things always work out in the long run. But this fear... I think it's connected in some form or fashion to a "fear of missing out", and so I'm subconsciously holding onto what appears to be a solid future, staying india... when i know that it really won't work out.
it's very interesting to see the battles within myself from a near outsider point of view. I see two sides battling within myself, observing it casually, but at the same time i'm the one experiencing it, so i feel i have to do something about it.
but one thing is very clear to me: i need to carve out a path, and stick to it and everything that comes along with it. i've been too wishy washy with shit my entire life, and i've gotta plant my roots somewhere otherwise i'll continue to be a floating vagabond, like i have been since i was 17....
this resistance is a piece of cake compared to what i'd been through in the previous 3 stages though, that's a HUGE relief!
