EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

Well yesterday I learned why you shouldn't meditate with E2, even though it wasn't really meditation. I've read a lot about mindfulness and how being more mindful of your emotions is good and to accept the pain, let it pass, etc. Well E2 brings up a lot of stuff and I'm pretty sure it intentionally dissociates you from this stuff a bit so your aren't overwhelmed and it can be processed out of conscious awareness. If you meditate, which I would advise against, you pretty much open a door to incredibly painful stuff that wasn't meant to reach your conscious mind, yet. I didn't fully understand this until I realized that a lot of my insistence on feeling my emotions fully like a bunch of mindfulness books taught me was actually re-traumatizing me emotionally and causing more problems. So yeah, as hands off you can be with this sub I think the better.

Basically what that means for me is to stop focusing on fear, resistance, guilt, shame, or any other block inside of me and dwelling on how to get rid of it. If it's not resolved then I still need more time. Going inside myself, ruminating, obsessively trying to let it go isn't going to work. Accept that I can only grow at a certain rate, acknowledge it's ok, and do my best to improve day by day as much as possible. I'll be the first to admit that it really sucks feeling like you want everything to be better, but you're still in the process of fixing everything and erasing the problems that brought you to this position in life. Tired of the old self, but at the same time a little fearful of fully embracing the new self.