08-20-2016, 07:08 AM
Yesterday I decided to sit down and ask myself why I was stuck in life. Why I believed I couldn't do the amazing things other people do or why I always felt I'd just fail at everything I do. I just sat there and literally asked in my head why until I got an answer. And the answer I got was nothing. There's nothing there, no good reason why I can't do what everyone else can do. The only thing holding me back is the belief of not being able to. And I think that belief is just a result of fear. Now that I look at it fear has been such a block with regards to moving forward in my life. The amount of times I've attempted to lift my self esteem and then heard that negative inner voice put me down. I thought it was just a bad habit, but now I see it was the most effective way to keep me in my current place and not face my fears. It honestly wouldn't surprise me if I have healed emotionally and I'm ready to move on with life, but fear just keeps making me believe I have more to take care of inside myself or makes me feel like I'm worse off than I am. Which would make sense given the highly repetitive nature of a lot of my posts in my journals.
Now that I think of it this is like going into a boss fight in a video game where he constantly sends out henchmen that keep regenerating. You can't defeat the henchmen because they keep coming back, you have to target the boss specifically and the henchmen die. I have a strong suspicion this is what the fear has been doing to me. I've had this realization before too dammit, just goes goes to show how tricky things get up in my head. I think the only way I'll be on autopilot for good and not have this destructive behavior anymore is once I get rid of that fear. Until then I have to keep a watchful eye on it and be aware of when it starts playing head games with me. It seems like it sabotages me, but now I can see how it's really only doing it's best to preserve my safety, unfortunately that safety confines me and I'm ready to outgrow it and do things with my life.
Now that I think of it this is like going into a boss fight in a video game where he constantly sends out henchmen that keep regenerating. You can't defeat the henchmen because they keep coming back, you have to target the boss specifically and the henchmen die. I have a strong suspicion this is what the fear has been doing to me. I've had this realization before too dammit, just goes goes to show how tricky things get up in my head. I think the only way I'll be on autopilot for good and not have this destructive behavior anymore is once I get rid of that fear. Until then I have to keep a watchful eye on it and be aware of when it starts playing head games with me. It seems like it sabotages me, but now I can see how it's really only doing it's best to preserve my safety, unfortunately that safety confines me and I'm ready to outgrow it and do things with my life.
