08-15-2016, 08:32 AM
These past few days I feel like I'm moving through really thick mud. My progress has slowed significantly. Several times throughout my day I've just felt this overwhelming feeling of almost breaking down. I think there are just some things I still have a lot of difficulty with, no matter how much I try to pretend like I don't. My social anxiety is much better, but it still exists on a very subtle level. I think it's really just a conditioned response at this point. So stupid stuff like going to the grocery store just stresses me out more than it should. And work is harder than it needs to be because of my constant interaction with people. In some ways really obvious anxiety is better because when you're caught up in it it's somewhat easier to actually be aware of it. When it exists on a more subtle level it chips away at your energy levels and then you feel like crap and wonder why. It takes a while to stop and think oh yeah I shouldn't be feeling this way, it's not normal.
So yeah, still have anxiety. But I'm not fighting it as much any more. And the difference is nowadays I know I can get rid of it and I'm not attached to it. It's just a matter of continuing on and letting E2 do its job.
I've just been procrastinating hard. I've been having trouble looking for another job, no doubt due to my insecurities around my skills that aren't exactly up to scratch in my field. And I really need to get back to learning to code for web development. But I'm making more progress with my music. If I could have half as much focus and obsession with a more lucrative pursuit I'd probably be set, but as it stands music is still really the only thing that I have a true passion for. I've been thinking of getting into audio engineering or seeing if I could intern at a studio or something. At least then I'd still be around music and be able to make a living at the same time. I want to say that my progress with my music so far has been a positive, but in a way I'm putting it before everything else. A lot of guilt and shame surrounding it was lifted over these past few days and I just don't care what people think about me spending close to my whole day working on music. I have to exercise personal responsibility however because it's easy for me to get lost in it and more important stuff falls to the wayside.
All in all I'm aligning closer to a life that gives me everything I want. I'm pretty much outright refusing to live a life that most people constantly complain about. And my trust in E2 for getting me to that goal has grown because I really see now how limited people's views are on what life is. My mindset has shifted from "this world is rigged against me" to "I'm going to carve out my own little space and enjoy life regardless of what other people think is possible or not".
So yeah, still have anxiety. But I'm not fighting it as much any more. And the difference is nowadays I know I can get rid of it and I'm not attached to it. It's just a matter of continuing on and letting E2 do its job.
I've just been procrastinating hard. I've been having trouble looking for another job, no doubt due to my insecurities around my skills that aren't exactly up to scratch in my field. And I really need to get back to learning to code for web development. But I'm making more progress with my music. If I could have half as much focus and obsession with a more lucrative pursuit I'd probably be set, but as it stands music is still really the only thing that I have a true passion for. I've been thinking of getting into audio engineering or seeing if I could intern at a studio or something. At least then I'd still be around music and be able to make a living at the same time. I want to say that my progress with my music so far has been a positive, but in a way I'm putting it before everything else. A lot of guilt and shame surrounding it was lifted over these past few days and I just don't care what people think about me spending close to my whole day working on music. I have to exercise personal responsibility however because it's easy for me to get lost in it and more important stuff falls to the wayside.
All in all I'm aligning closer to a life that gives me everything I want. I'm pretty much outright refusing to live a life that most people constantly complain about. And my trust in E2 for getting me to that goal has grown because I really see now how limited people's views are on what life is. My mindset has shifted from "this world is rigged against me" to "I'm going to carve out my own little space and enjoy life regardless of what other people think is possible or not".
