EHPRA Journal

[Rennus]

I'm just gonna make this post a stream of consciousness kind of one. Usually I plan out what I have to say and kind of have an overall theme, but for this post I figured I'd just journal. This is probably gonna get vague and metaphorical because that's how my mind generally works.

Anway, E2 as been touching on stuff that I can't really understand on a conscious level yet. I don't know how to describe it better than that. It's like I need to finish learning some kind of lesson before I can apply it in my life. Some part of me gets it, but there's another part that doesn't want to fully embrace it. A lot of my posts I think are just me trying to make sense of the jumbled mess of thoughts beating around in my head and I'm starting to think I can't put a lot of it into words. I can try but ultimately I feel like I can't quite grasp what it is I'm feeling. I think that adds to a lot of my frustration and it's important to journal about that as well. Sometimes it feels like my head is filling up with thoughts and it'll explode like a balloon, there is no real outlet for them except my music.

I think it's probably an intense tug of war between different parts of my mind. And I'm still seeking to control the process. So one part of my mind is like "ok I'll change, no not that, no, no, no" it's being very selective in what it wants. If I had 50 items on a list, it would probably cross out all but one. So it's like how do you let go of that fear of losing control and start to trust more? Clearly willing myself to trust more doesn't work, I've tried that and it just results in a lot of mental effort that amounts to nothing.

And I'm aware more than ever now of my behaviors that contribute to my unhappiness. But at times it's like having this higher awareness but still being dragged along by old habits. And my high awareness just wants to facepalm and be like "dude seriously, again?"

But in a way it's all progress. At least I'm not in that negativity anymore and identifying with it. Right now it feels like the main objective is to stop being controlled by it on a subconscious level. But the procrastination definitely comes and goes. Some days I feel like I finally beat it and other days it's like I can't do a single thing without it feeling like some huge ordeal. The inconsistency of it all is what really gets to me at times because I have this assumption that I should be feeling a certain way most days and when it doesn't feel that way I'm too hard on myself.

I'm struggling with this right now. So fucking much, dude. It seems like my mind tries to control every little thing or is shelled in by 'rules' or mental constructs on all sides.