While listening lately, I'm experiencing high amounts of irritability. I know it's all junk being dealt with. Yesterday, I woke up in a great mood after having had about 18 hours off. I then started my next round of loops, and my mood tanked.
I decided to start my loops last night before bed, and the 3 I set finished early in my sleep. I had some crazy sexual dreams again, but I don't remember much about them. One, I recall, was a sexualized variation of a recurring dream I have. The weird thing is that the recurring dream used to be the one where I'm back in school and I miss all my classes and am completely unprepared for the final exam. In this version, I was very involved in my studies, but a girl came along wanting to party and fuck all night, and I was tempted to even though my final exam was in the morning. That pressure resulted in a lot of dream-anxiety.
In other news, my weight just keeps going UP. Even though I'm working out (and even jogging) on a regular basis, I just couldn't care less about my diet. It's not like I just sit around eating all day, but I don't shy away from burgers or other high-calorie food items. The weird thing is that this is the best I've ever looked at this weight. I know this has something to do with dealing with incorrect body-image issues. I always had this incorrect assumption that hotties are only attracted to guys with six-packs. So not true, but I've never been able to internalize that knowledge so that I'm completely comfortable in my own skin, no matter if I'm carrying an extra 20 pounds.
I'm even seeing examples to validate this - I watch Big Brother and there's a short/chubby/bearded asian that this super-cute, in-shape, big-boobied chick is completely in love with him. That doesn't jive with my old belief system, but women don't necessarily believe what I used to believe about body types, and I'm finally dealing with that and changing that attitude internally.
I decided to start my loops last night before bed, and the 3 I set finished early in my sleep. I had some crazy sexual dreams again, but I don't remember much about them. One, I recall, was a sexualized variation of a recurring dream I have. The weird thing is that the recurring dream used to be the one where I'm back in school and I miss all my classes and am completely unprepared for the final exam. In this version, I was very involved in my studies, but a girl came along wanting to party and fuck all night, and I was tempted to even though my final exam was in the morning. That pressure resulted in a lot of dream-anxiety.
In other news, my weight just keeps going UP. Even though I'm working out (and even jogging) on a regular basis, I just couldn't care less about my diet. It's not like I just sit around eating all day, but I don't shy away from burgers or other high-calorie food items. The weird thing is that this is the best I've ever looked at this weight. I know this has something to do with dealing with incorrect body-image issues. I always had this incorrect assumption that hotties are only attracted to guys with six-packs. So not true, but I've never been able to internalize that knowledge so that I'm completely comfortable in my own skin, no matter if I'm carrying an extra 20 pounds.
I'm even seeing examples to validate this - I watch Big Brother and there's a short/chubby/bearded asian that this super-cute, in-shape, big-boobied chick is completely in love with him. That doesn't jive with my old belief system, but women don't necessarily believe what I used to believe about body types, and I'm finally dealing with that and changing that attitude internally.
