07-25-2016, 07:05 AM
So the other day I was working on learning some web development and building a portfolio site. On a side note maybe not the most productive thing to listen to E2 while working on something as intensely logical as programming. I hit a wall and was getting incredibly frustrated. I got really angry. Then I got really depressed. And then this transitioned to a "why the hell am I doing any of this?" moment. I questioned if I even really enjoyed learning programming. There are some aspects I definitely enjoy, but like a lot of things in my life that joy is stomped out by my perfectionism. That night as I laid down in bed E2 my mind was like a flipbook flying through all these thoughts on what I'm "supposed" to be doing with my life. Contrary to what I said in my earlier post I'm realizing that it really is all the negatives that hold you back and no amount of slapping the positive over that will change anything if you don't get to the core. It's almost like dealing with a virus on a computer, if you had a backdoor trojan you sure as hell wouldn't decide to write down all your valuable info otherwise the trojan gets a hold of it and makes it worthless.
Anyway I realized I've been valuing my self worth over how much growth I've had on this program. Not really valuing the actual growth, just how I appear to others. I care too much what other people think of me. That night there was a lot of emotional release over this. It felt like the mask I've been wearing for years was being pulled off and my real self was revealed. And I discovered I don't know what the hell I actually want. I've just been told what I want all my life. Get money, get status, get love, get new expensive toys, etc. About 90% of my motivation for ANYTHING was based in fear, guilt, or shame. I've come to realize it's a rare moment when I'm actually driven by positive emotions and that's definitely something that needs to change for me.
So I guess I'm back to my wordy posts. I'm naturally an introspective guy with a lot on my mind and I guess not a lot of places to say it. This post felt different than all my other ones though. Just more genuine with nothing to hide really. No preoccupation with being perceived as negative, positive, improving, etc. Just telling it how it is, just being.
Anyway I realized I've been valuing my self worth over how much growth I've had on this program. Not really valuing the actual growth, just how I appear to others. I care too much what other people think of me. That night there was a lot of emotional release over this. It felt like the mask I've been wearing for years was being pulled off and my real self was revealed. And I discovered I don't know what the hell I actually want. I've just been told what I want all my life. Get money, get status, get love, get new expensive toys, etc. About 90% of my motivation for ANYTHING was based in fear, guilt, or shame. I've come to realize it's a rare moment when I'm actually driven by positive emotions and that's definitely something that needs to change for me.
So I guess I'm back to my wordy posts. I'm naturally an introspective guy with a lot on my mind and I guess not a lot of places to say it. This post felt different than all my other ones though. Just more genuine with nothing to hide really. No preoccupation with being perceived as negative, positive, improving, etc. Just telling it how it is, just being.
