07-20-2016, 12:28 PM
It just occurred to me that my difficulty with a lot of this self growth is due to my perfectionism. No matter what I do I tend to feel it's not good enough. So one day I might push past my anxiety and do something. But the next day I might feel depressed for whatever reason. And instead of giving myself self compassion and understanding in these times of need I have a tendency to just criticize myself for not being past all this and not letting go of it. When I struggle with anxiety instead of telling myself it's ok, I compare myself to other people who don't deal with it and just make myself feel worse. I even feel bad for not being able to remain positive at times.
These past few days I've been pushing past my procrastination and I've got stuff done. But it doesn't last long. It's like a horrible cycle of constantly fighting to get stuff done and when I burn out I can't keep going and I berate myself for it. I've been teaching myself web design, but since it's a new thing and I suck at it, there's always that anxiety hovering around. This is the exact same stuff I've dealt with through the years that made me less likely to pick up a casual hobby or try something new. I used to think it was a fear of failure, but it's not really a fear. It's more like I always feel like my self worth is tied into these things and I'm a terrible person if I'm not good enough at it.
But I managed to finish a song I've been working on. I just got so fed up with everything in my life I said screw it, I don't care about finding a job or worrying about money I just want to enjoy something. So I just worked on this with the focus of just making music, not good music, just finishing something. Probably not anyone's cup of tea, but here it is https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/passage-of-time
These past few days I've been pushing past my procrastination and I've got stuff done. But it doesn't last long. It's like a horrible cycle of constantly fighting to get stuff done and when I burn out I can't keep going and I berate myself for it. I've been teaching myself web design, but since it's a new thing and I suck at it, there's always that anxiety hovering around. This is the exact same stuff I've dealt with through the years that made me less likely to pick up a casual hobby or try something new. I used to think it was a fear of failure, but it's not really a fear. It's more like I always feel like my self worth is tied into these things and I'm a terrible person if I'm not good enough at it.
But I managed to finish a song I've been working on. I just got so fed up with everything in my life I said screw it, I don't care about finding a job or worrying about money I just want to enjoy something. So I just worked on this with the focus of just making music, not good music, just finishing something. Probably not anyone's cup of tea, but here it is https://soundcloud.com/hconscious/passage-of-time
