07-10-2016, 06:04 PM
It pretty much dawned on me today that it's not that I don't know where to go in life and what to do, but the fact that I'm letting my limiting beliefs hold me back. And underneath that feeling of uncertainty and not knowing is actually just fear that makes me think I need to figure things out more before I move forward. I keep settling, telling myself that this is good enough and anything more is "unrealistic". I keep getting sucked into that reality of playing it safe and thinking I just need to lower my expectations of life instead of accepting that things can be better than what I imagine they could be.
A lot of those old guilt, shame, and fear issues are showing themselves with this. A few nights back I was listening to E2 before bed and couldn't sleep too well. So I just sort of meditated a bit. A lot of what ran through my head was I didn't deserve love, happiness, friends, success, etc. I didn't deserve any of it.
I've been thinking about this lately and realized I've been looking for a reason for these things. Like until I find the answer then I can accept these things in my life. But I'm starting to realize that's not how it works. There is no answer. You either accept great things in your life or you don't. The same goes for things like guilt, shame, and fear. I've been so hung up on getting to the source, figuring out the solution, thinking E2 just hasn't uncovered enough yet, waiting for that moment when it finally clicks. Maybe it was fear, I don't know. But I've been waiting in limbo and haven't done enough to simply let go of this stuff and move on. The fact is I don't need a reason for what's behind the fear, guilt, or shame. In a way maybe it's all just been resistance hidden under the guise of intense internal work. I tricked myself into believing I was working hard on myself when really I was just stonewalling the process and rationalizing my fear of change as not having the answer to my problems yet.
I really hope this is a legitimate breakthrough for me and not one of those posts I look back on and feel stupid for. I've felt a shift in how I'm responding to E2 now. Before I tried to almost detach and let E2 fix everything on it's own. As if I didn't have to do anything and everything would magically get better. Now it feels more like I'm cooperating with what E2 is guiding me to do instead of resisting. Consciously I'm now intent on letting go of all my emotional baggage without needing a reason for it and E2 is accelerating the process. I feel a bit dumb now because it's painfully obvious I was waiting for E2 to make me cooperate instead of just going along with the directions from the beginning.
A lot of those old guilt, shame, and fear issues are showing themselves with this. A few nights back I was listening to E2 before bed and couldn't sleep too well. So I just sort of meditated a bit. A lot of what ran through my head was I didn't deserve love, happiness, friends, success, etc. I didn't deserve any of it.
I've been thinking about this lately and realized I've been looking for a reason for these things. Like until I find the answer then I can accept these things in my life. But I'm starting to realize that's not how it works. There is no answer. You either accept great things in your life or you don't. The same goes for things like guilt, shame, and fear. I've been so hung up on getting to the source, figuring out the solution, thinking E2 just hasn't uncovered enough yet, waiting for that moment when it finally clicks. Maybe it was fear, I don't know. But I've been waiting in limbo and haven't done enough to simply let go of this stuff and move on. The fact is I don't need a reason for what's behind the fear, guilt, or shame. In a way maybe it's all just been resistance hidden under the guise of intense internal work. I tricked myself into believing I was working hard on myself when really I was just stonewalling the process and rationalizing my fear of change as not having the answer to my problems yet.
I really hope this is a legitimate breakthrough for me and not one of those posts I look back on and feel stupid for. I've felt a shift in how I'm responding to E2 now. Before I tried to almost detach and let E2 fix everything on it's own. As if I didn't have to do anything and everything would magically get better. Now it feels more like I'm cooperating with what E2 is guiding me to do instead of resisting. Consciously I'm now intent on letting go of all my emotional baggage without needing a reason for it and E2 is accelerating the process. I feel a bit dumb now because it's painfully obvious I was waiting for E2 to make me cooperate instead of just going along with the directions from the beginning.
