07-01-2016, 06:43 AM
So no nightmares last night. I'll probably start listening again tonight to make sure I'm getting enough exposure in. But this post is gonna be more of a rant.
I had work yesterday and normally I try to time it just right so I get there right on time. But they were doing roadwork around where I live and I left a bit too early. Anyway, I had about 20 minutes to kill while waiting in the car. My anxiety was kind of bad at this point. I was just sitting there trying to relax and I honestly just felt like crying.
It wasn't that situation that made me feel that way. It's ALL the situations in my life up until that point where I've dealt with the same thing. The intense fear, the needing to push myself, the feeling that life is just an uphill battle for me. I'm so tired of all of it. What pains me the most is I feel like no matter how much experience I get, it doesn't transfer over. Meaning every new situation I go through the same thing. It's like living in a constant state of psychological torture.
I feel a great deal of shame dealing with this. Why? Because I feel like in comparison to other people's problems out there mine is very minuscule and seems petty. But for me it's just so chronic and pervasive it just wears me down to a point where I just have trouble enjoying life. And the irrationality of it all is what really kills me.
I guess E2 has been targeting another layer I had buried. The surface was cleaned up a bit to allow me to put myself in these new situations, but I guess I'm finding that there's still a lot that troubles me.
I had work yesterday and normally I try to time it just right so I get there right on time. But they were doing roadwork around where I live and I left a bit too early. Anyway, I had about 20 minutes to kill while waiting in the car. My anxiety was kind of bad at this point. I was just sitting there trying to relax and I honestly just felt like crying.
It wasn't that situation that made me feel that way. It's ALL the situations in my life up until that point where I've dealt with the same thing. The intense fear, the needing to push myself, the feeling that life is just an uphill battle for me. I'm so tired of all of it. What pains me the most is I feel like no matter how much experience I get, it doesn't transfer over. Meaning every new situation I go through the same thing. It's like living in a constant state of psychological torture.
I feel a great deal of shame dealing with this. Why? Because I feel like in comparison to other people's problems out there mine is very minuscule and seems petty. But for me it's just so chronic and pervasive it just wears me down to a point where I just have trouble enjoying life. And the irrationality of it all is what really kills me.
I guess E2 has been targeting another layer I had buried. The surface was cleaned up a bit to allow me to put myself in these new situations, but I guess I'm finding that there's still a lot that troubles me.
