06-23-2016, 08:39 AM
So I was feeling really bad today. Like that feeling of needing to figure out what to do but not having the solution to the problem. A very tormenting feeling. I felt that maybe I should run E2. So I started listening and things got worse and worse. Usually I stick it out and see if I can make it out the other side, but this time I just took off the headphones and stopped listening. It's a hard lesson for me to learn but some things just can't be rushed no matter how strong or determined I think I am.
One thing that's come to my attention is I have a tendency to almost rate my days based on how successful I felt they are. On good productive days I feel good. On bad unproductive days I don't practice nearly enough compassion for myself. I have a tendency to take it as a complete failure of a day and get down on myself. I constantly feel like I should be pushing myself harder. I'm going to make more of an attempt to not be so hard on myself.
It's still rough, I haven't quite reached the point where these things are on autopilot and my life is going smoothly. I'm still fighting an internal battle that makes each day sort of unpredictable for me. I've also been feeling like I need to isolate myself from people more. Part of me wants to be around them, but another part of me feels like I don't have the energy to keep up.
I've been teaching myself web development in my free time. So far it's been interesting, but the familiar feelings of not being good enough started creeping in and making me doubt if I'd ever be able to get a job doing it. I mean as far as plans go career wise this has been my only real plan that seems somewhat doable. I just fear the worst that it'll end up like all the other jobs I've had, leaving me with a feeling of imprisonment and lack of freedom. I want to be financially stable, but if I'm not happy then there's little point to continue a lifestyle like that. Some people treat security as the holy grail for life, but to me it's a bit like confinement. Being stuck in something essentially out of fear. I often wonder if people are just content living like that, occasionally have thoughts about it and push it to the back of their mind, or are completely oblivious.
One thing that's come to my attention is I have a tendency to almost rate my days based on how successful I felt they are. On good productive days I feel good. On bad unproductive days I don't practice nearly enough compassion for myself. I have a tendency to take it as a complete failure of a day and get down on myself. I constantly feel like I should be pushing myself harder. I'm going to make more of an attempt to not be so hard on myself.
It's still rough, I haven't quite reached the point where these things are on autopilot and my life is going smoothly. I'm still fighting an internal battle that makes each day sort of unpredictable for me. I've also been feeling like I need to isolate myself from people more. Part of me wants to be around them, but another part of me feels like I don't have the energy to keep up.
I've been teaching myself web development in my free time. So far it's been interesting, but the familiar feelings of not being good enough started creeping in and making me doubt if I'd ever be able to get a job doing it. I mean as far as plans go career wise this has been my only real plan that seems somewhat doable. I just fear the worst that it'll end up like all the other jobs I've had, leaving me with a feeling of imprisonment and lack of freedom. I want to be financially stable, but if I'm not happy then there's little point to continue a lifestyle like that. Some people treat security as the holy grail for life, but to me it's a bit like confinement. Being stuck in something essentially out of fear. I often wonder if people are just content living like that, occasionally have thoughts about it and push it to the back of their mind, or are completely oblivious.
