EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

If it makes you feel any better, I'm having similar thoughts about sex and emotions. The kind of raw animalistic sexual thoughts you're talking about, I've had for years now. But I've been going back and forth in my mind if I have dark desires to hurt girls through sex as a sort of revenge on them or if that's just how I would express myself sexually. I'm thinking it's a mix of both but mostly the latter. I feel like the animalisitc part is hard wired in me.

And about emotions, I don't really know what to do. I feel emotionally exhausted atm. I've been thinking about all the times I've felt strong emotions. Back in middle school, I wanted to stop feeling anything at all. It just hurt too much. And when I liked a girl, I felt too strongly about her. And I couldn't tell her how I felt because she'd not like me. And I had strong emotions to hurt and possibly kill those who pissed me off. And now I'm starting to feel some of these things again and I don't know what to do. I use to think that others had the same experience as me, but after actually meeting the real world, I totally feel like I'm alone with this. I don't know what to do regarding emotions. I just want all of this to be over

Sex can be a really weird outlet for pent up or repressed aspects of ourselves. It does sound like there's a little bit of anger mixed in there for you. I wouldn't look into it too much though. The way I see it a lot of these behaviors are born out of your subconscious beliefs and until we tackle those at the root it's impossible to really tell what the motivation is for some of the stuff we do. It's like trying to solve a puzzle but being given a box with missing pieces.

I can relate to that. How do you feel about giving into these emotions and allowing yourself to feel them fully? I don't know if you feel the same way but I used to be afraid to allow these feelings. I used to worry I'd get stuck in anger or have my emotions carry me away and I'd do something horrible. I feared losing control. But with E2 it's safe. It'll guide you back into that emotion and just heal it. If you can't it'll pull you back and keep you safe. But you have to let go and allow it to do what it needs to do. You'll be more emotionally exhausted fighting the healing that e2 is trying to bring about than just allowing yourself to experience whatever it is that needs healing.

I did embrace it at the time man. I see now that that was the only time I ever felt strong. Thinking to myself "I could beat him to death if he messes with me" or something like "I should bend her over and just **** her to death" or "I'll just hurt them emotionally the same way they hurt me" was the only thing that made me feel like I had some kind of control. I thought I could inflict on them what I felt. I fantasized about making them experience what I did and feel the pain. At the time, I felt good about it. Anger was my "safe zone".

I now see that that was so far from the truth. If anything, I damaged myself more than I did anyone else (Plus, I never felt like they hurt the way I did). And now, I'm feeling strong emotions again after so long and I don't like it. But I'm sort of scared that I'll be the weak person I was before I relied on anger. And part of me is scared that E2 won't work and that I'll be an emotional wreck despite it. I've thought about stopping E2 temporarily to tap out the few major issues and then getting back on E2, but I haven't done that yet. Shannon claims that anger will transform into a force that helps heal you even faster while on E2. I just don't see it right now for me, but I'm seeing external improvements, just little internal. At the same time, I know things can only change externally if something internally changes so maybe I'm just not noticing.

But yeah. Hopefully we'll both make it through this journey

P.S. It's just nice to have someone to talk to about it

What I'm gonna say next might come out incredibly vague, but I'll do my best. Believe it or not, E2 has been changing how you respond to these emotions. When you embraced it back then it swallowed you up and took control. But there's a huge difference between feeling emotions vs getting caught up in them. Back then you were in a lot of pain and you didn't have the emotional maturity or skillset to heal yourself. But you do now. You can dive into that feeling and explore it deeper and it won't pull you in. Even if you never ran these subliminals you've grown a lot since that time and have probably gained valuable insight into your behavior.

The fact that you have a strong aversion to these feelings is a huge indicator that it's exactly where you need to go in your healing journey.

I understand how you feel though. It took me a very long time to let down my guard. Anger and aggression were my only coping mechanisms for my incredibly vulnerable state I often felt I was in. But when I let those go and really started allowing E2 to work on why I felt vulnerable it strengthened me in a way anger couldn't.

You're afraid to go back and I understand that. It really takes a leap of faith to trust that E2 will heal you and you'll come out the other side stronger. Trust me when I say this, you won't go back to being that weak person. I had the same fears and they are gone now. That's all they are, fears. Fears that hold you back from the growth you deserve.

You can do this man. I'm not trying to make this a contest or anything of who is more messed up, but among all the people on this forum I was in really bad shape. Like close to suicidal when I found these subliminals. And on top of that I had such strong fears that kept me stuck in place. Fears I thought I could never ever get over. But here I am making progress I never dreamed was possible. If E2 has the strength to pull me out of the hell I was in, it's going to work for you too.

Talking always helps. We all need to be heard and validated and know we aren't alone in our struggles. If I came across as preachy in my post let me know. My intention is never to tell people how to feel, but to suggest an alternative to their current perception of how those feelings relate to them.

Totally not preachy dude, but very helpful! Thanks. I only really have 2 big fears at the moment. One, that E2 won't heal me emotionally within the year I'm willing to dedicate (though you've helped convince me otherwise). And two, that I won't get to live the awesome college life I want for at least some amount of time before I graduate (which would most likely mean running AOSI).

It's good to hear that you've seen huge progress since you first here. As long as you can measure it, you know you're on your way

Anytime, glad to help.