(06-19-2016, 01:14 PM)mat422 Wrote:(06-19-2016, 10:33 AM)maxx55 Wrote: If it makes you feel any better, I'm having similar thoughts about sex and emotions. The kind of raw animalistic sexual thoughts you're talking about, I've had for years now. But I've been going back and forth in my mind if I have dark desires to hurt girls through sex as a sort of revenge on them or if that's just how I would express myself sexually. I'm thinking it's a mix of both but mostly the latter. I feel like the animalisitc part is hard wired in me.
And about emotions, I don't really know what to do. I feel emotionally exhausted atm. I've been thinking about all the times I've felt strong emotions. Back in middle school, I wanted to stop feeling anything at all. It just hurt too much. And when I liked a girl, I felt too strongly about her. And I couldn't tell her how I felt because she'd not like me. And I had strong emotions to hurt and possibly kill those who pissed me off. And now I'm starting to feel some of these things again and I don't know what to do. I use to think that others had the same experience as me, but after actually meeting the real world, I totally feel like I'm alone with this. I don't know what to do regarding emotions. I just want all of this to be over
Sex can be a really weird outlet for pent up or repressed aspects of ourselves. It does sound like there's a little bit of anger mixed in there for you. I wouldn't look into it too much though. The way I see it a lot of these behaviors are born out of your subconscious beliefs and until we tackle those at the root it's impossible to really tell what the motivation is for some of the stuff we do. It's like trying to solve a puzzle but being given a box with missing pieces.
I can relate to that. How do you feel about giving into these emotions and allowing yourself to feel them fully? I don't know if you feel the same way but I used to be afraid to allow these feelings. I used to worry I'd get stuck in anger or have my emotions carry me away and I'd do something horrible. I feared losing control. But with E2 it's safe. It'll guide you back into that emotion and just heal it. If you can't it'll pull you back and keep you safe. But you have to let go and allow it to do what it needs to do. You'll be more emotionally exhausted fighting the healing that e2 is trying to bring about than just allowing yourself to experience whatever it is that needs healing.
I did embrace it at the time man. I see now that that was the only time I ever felt strong. Thinking to myself "I could beat him to death if he messes with me" or something like "I should bend her over and just fuck her to death" or "I'll just hurt them emotionally the same way they hurt me" was the only thing that made me feel like I had some kind of control. I thought I could inflict on them what I felt. I fantasized about making them experience what I did and feel the pain. At the time, I felt good about it. Anger was my "safe zone".
I now see that that was so far from the truth. If anything, I damaged myself more than I did anyone else (Plus, I never felt like they hurt the way I did). And now, I'm feeling strong emotions again after so long and I don't like it. But I'm sort of scared that I'll be the weak person I was before I relied on anger. And part of me is scared that E2 won't work and that I'll be an emotional wreck despite it. I've thought about stopping E2 temporarily to tap out the few major issues and then getting back on E2, but I haven't done that yet. Shannon claims that anger will transform into a force that helps heal you even faster while on E2. I just don't see it right now for me, but I'm seeing external improvements, just little internal. At the same time, I know things can only change externally if something internally changes so maybe I'm just not noticing.
But yeah. Hopefully we'll both make it through this journey
P.S. It's just nice to have someone to talk to about it
