EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

Sorry about your job situation; Unfortunately, the Job place is getting more and more toxic based on Management style and their personal issues. Happy that you are in good spirits during this time. A big relief to get out of there as well

Thanks. Now that I'm out of there it's really apparent how much it was taking its toll on me mentally. Hopefully the next job I get I don't go through the same thing.

You're not the only one , I left my job of five years 2 weeks ago. Got hired for a temporary job that I thought was going to be long term , and I got screwed over by the temp agency and the management of the company ; all because the supervisor was insecure about me being a leader and being afraid that i would take his job. I know the feeling too well. But lucky for you , you are running EPHRA. Just make sure your looking for jobs , like I've been doing this morning.

That sucks. Sounds like you won't have too hard of a time finding a new one though, if that guy was afraid of you taking his job then you must have a valuable skillset. I've been pretty consistent with the job searching. Already applied to a couple. I have to get used to letting it go though when I'm done, there's only so much you can do in a day and not taking a break mentally takes its toll.

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Another journal entry to unload things off my mind.

I just have to say one thing. My perfectionism HAS to go. These past few weeks I've realized just how crippling my fear of not being good enough at something is. I don't know why I feel the need to be the best at everything I do. It's not a striving for excellence, it's more like a motivation out of fear. But it's so intangible I can't put my finger on why. There's so many things in this world to explore, but I'm reluctant to engage in a lot of it if I can't be good enough at it. I see other people doing things and learning, making mistakes, but it doesn't get to them. It's like my self worth is still tied up in my achievements or my performance with something, I can't sever that cord connecting it. I don't know how. Merely telling myself I'm not my accomplishments and to stop trying so hard to be perfect at things doesn't really do anything for me no matter how many times I tell myself.

I've pretty much divorced the idea that perfectionism was some kind of strength or focus to be really great at things. It's not. It's not about the piece of work or task or whatever I'm doing. It's about how well I'm doing it. Me. I'm hurting my music because I'm so damn obsessed on getting it perfect I don't finish my tracks. I'm afraid to finish anything because when I do I know I won't be satisfied because my growth as an artist is still at the infant stage. I've only been at this seriously for 2 years now. If there's one thing I wish I could learn it's to be ok with where I'm at and to just enjoy the journey. To really let go of that not good enough feeling and just embrace the idea that I'm still learning and it's ok.

This goes for my whole life as well. Stuff like careers. I've lost a lot of time to depression and anxiety. When I was younger and should have been building up my skills I was just so messed up in the head and couldn't focus or decide on anything. Now I feel like I'm finally pulling myself out of that, but it's like emerging in the world after a stint in prison. I feel so behind and it's so overwhelming because it feels like at my age, 25, I'm really supposed to have my shit together by now.

Hehehehehe my brotha, let me first start off by saying that I think 25 is the perfect age to start getting our shit together.

I really don't think anyone "has their shit together" at age 25, at least not when I properly identified what I thought that means. We just barely became adults and are starting to learn how the real world works, becoming legitimate workers (or slaves) to the workforce.

Lemme tell you, I'm about to be 27 in a couple weeks, and I'm far from having my shit together but I'm okay with it because I am working towards it (well, in the process of working towards lol)

I turned down my old boss to come back to work for him despite the nice looking paycheck because I freaking felt like I was working at a dead end job.. it drained me the 4 years I worked there. I was running e2 when he proposed the offer, as well, and I chose to turn it down because I refuse to trade my emotional well being for some money I won't enjoy anyway because I would hate my life working there...

Just some food for thought

You raise a really good point. I think if I followed the same familiar worn path as everyone else I'd have my life together more. But I'd probably be miserable and dead on the inside because I'd be going against myself. Society sure makes it hard to be an emotionally healthy person, more than most people would care to admit.

On that note E2 continues to bring up stuff that I was sure wasn't a problem for me. I'm uncovering some serious shame surrounding sex or just being a sexual person. Like if I saw a hot girl and starting feeling sexual feelings towards her I used to tell myself I was being bad for sexually objectifying her. Yeah, major repression there for stuff that's pretty much a part of being human. Stupid over the top feminist propaganda I guess that I picked up from somewhere. Men and women might internalize equal amounts of shame over this stuff but I'd argue for men it's way more hidden in their head. I mean I'm discovering a sex drive right now that I had no idea existed. Weird stuff has been happening. I've been having these daydreams of having sex with beautiful women. Like literally every time there is a gap in my thoughts I'm imagining a sexual scenario with a girl. And I'm not talking sweet romantic passionate love making, I'm just talking raw animistic uninhibited sex. The kind of sex I used to think was "wrong". I'm working on channeling this sexual energy into my creative pursuits. I've heard of sexual transmutation before but I don't think I ever felt that actual sexual energy until now. Energy is energy, regardless of the source so I can see how potentially powerful this could be.

I'm just gonna say this now, not to be down on myself or anything, but I'm starting to really see how messed up in the head I am. Now I understand the meaning of repression. If you know something is there it's not repression, it's not the stuffing down of stuff. It's a complete lack of conscious awareness. To the point where you'll probably actively deny there is a problem. I have a feeling I've only touched the tip of the iceberg and there's a ton of stuff down there I haven't even uncovered yet.

I've also decided to scale back my listening of E2 as well. I'm still stuck in the old school more is better mentality, which is probably coming from fear of not getting enough exposure to E2 and not fully comprehending just how much more powerful these new subs are. Or worrying about resistance and giving into it. But my inner guidance is telling me to go easier on the listening. Before I got about 8 hours at night and maybe 2 or 3 during the day. So about 11 hours total, maybe 12 if I listened more in the evening. So now I'm just going to listen at night for 8 hours and see how it goes. I might be overtaxing my brain here. I'm like hey 5G to 5.5G, it's only half right? But how wrong I am lol, That's some faulty logic right there.

The timing of this sex stuff is interesting though, coinciding with the release of that aura of sex subliminal everyone has been interested in. I'm beginning to suspect the library of the universe where people download this info from to their subconscious is leaking to me. The subliminals forming a sort of peer to peer network among the users and I'm getting fragments of other stuff. Or I'm just thinking about sex now because that's the hot topic of discussion in these forums lol.