EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

So I got fired from my job. It's alright though, there was only so much of that place I could take. It's like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders, I'm so glad I'm out of there.

As a testament to E2s effectiveness I haven't been anxious about becoming unemployed again and I didn't beat myself up at all for losing this job. Also in the past I'd get angry as a way to hide the shame when something like this happened. But I'm neither angry or ashamed. And after this experience I've grown in my confidence that I can handle a lot of jobs I previously thought I'd mess up.

But overall I was stuck in a pretty toxic environment for myself. Before this happened today I had a moment last night while I was about to go to sleep. I was listening to E2 when I felt a pressure in my forehead followed by a weird shift where I let go of my worries over this job. It was at that point I mentally decided in my head I'd stop giving energy to this job. It made me think of reality transurfing and pendulums. Oh boy was this corporation a huge pendulum and I was feeding it with negative energy unconsciously. Once I stopped that and detached I was at peace with whatever happened next.

Sorry about your job situation; Unfortunately, the Job place is getting more and more toxic based on Management style and their personal issues. Happy that you are in good spirits during this time. A big relief to get out of there as well

Thanks. Now that I'm out of there it's really apparent how much it was taking its toll on me mentally. Hopefully the next job I get I don't go through the same thing.

You're not the only one , I left my job of five years 2 weeks ago. Got hired for a temporary job that I thought was going to be long term , and I got screwed over by the temp agency and the management of the company ; all because the supervisor was insecure about me being a leader and being afraid that i would take his job. I know the feeling too well. But lucky for you , you are running EPHRA. Just make sure your looking for jobs , like I've been doing this morning.

That sucks. Sounds like you won't have too hard of a time finding a new one though, if that guy was afraid of you taking his job then you must have a valuable skillset. I've been pretty consistent with the job searching. Already applied to a couple. I have to get used to letting it go though when I'm done, there's only so much you can do in a day and not taking a break mentally takes its toll.

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Another journal entry to unload things off my mind.

I just have to say one thing. My perfectionism HAS to go. These past few weeks I've realized just how crippling my fear of not being good enough at something is. I don't know why I feel the need to be the best at everything I do. It's not a striving for excellence, it's more like a motivation out of fear. But it's so intangible I can't put my finger on why. There's so many things in this world to explore, but I'm reluctant to engage in a lot of it if I can't be good enough at it. I see other people doing things and learning, making mistakes, but it doesn't get to them. It's like my self worth is still tied up in my achievements or my performance with something, I can't sever that cord connecting it. I don't know how. Merely telling myself I'm not my accomplishments and to stop trying so hard to be perfect at things doesn't really do anything for me no matter how many times I tell myself.

I've pretty much divorced the idea that perfectionism was some kind of strength or focus to be really great at things. It's not. It's not about the piece of work or task or whatever I'm doing. It's about how well I'm doing it. Me. I'm hurting my music because I'm so damn obsessed on getting it perfect I don't finish my tracks. I'm afraid to finish anything because when I do I know I won't be satisfied because my growth as an artist is still at the infant stage. I've only been at this seriously for 2 years now. If there's one thing I wish I could learn it's to be ok with where I'm at and to just enjoy the journey. To really let go of that not good enough feeling and just embrace the idea that I'm still learning and it's ok.

This goes for my whole life as well. Stuff like careers. I've lost a lot of time to depression and anxiety. When I was younger and should have been building up my skills I was just so messed up in the head and couldn't focus or decide on anything. Now I feel like I'm finally pulling myself out of that, but it's like emerging in the world after a stint in prison. I feel so behind and it's so overwhelming because it feels like at my age, 25, I'm really supposed to have my shit together by now.