Concious and Unconcious effort journal

[batman]

i just want to share my stories concerning women, everything that we have right now is based on what we do in the past right. i'm 100% ya'll agree with me on that one. i've been writing for 2 days now about my social and women biography, and its getting to much so enjoy it man.

My Women autobiography

Hey man, growing up i was always the guy who have low self esteem. i think it was because of my mom who likes to control everything.
she told me a lots of stuff about being a normal guy, dont cause a lot of trouble, be a good boy, and she always get angry everytime i made a mistake. we are a moslem, and in moslem there is this belief that if you hurt your mother, you just made a big ass sin. and also theres a belief that the heaven's located below your mothers foot. when i was a kid my parents are very strict with rules and they also force me to study islams, and i also went to a moslem schools.

My experience with women actually starts when i was 12th and that was right before i finish elementary school, we got this farewell party and everyone is asking each other to be their bf/gf. so, there is this girl that i like and i just shoot for it. ask her to be my gf with a letter. LOL. and she agreed. it only last for 2 months, and we only got out once and most of the time we talk on the phone. and when we were on the phone my mother always get suspicious of me talking on the phone for a long time, so she always screams at me and asking me what im doin, and i always got scared of her for doing that. so everytime me and my gf talked on the phone, usualy it was because of my mom wasnt there, and when she did come, i always hang up the phone really fast. me and my first gf brokeup just before the elementary farewell party, because another boy ask my gf to be her gf and she accepted it. at first i didnt know that she broke up with me because of another guy, i thought that she didnt like me. after 2 days broking up with me, the news came up that she already got a new bf. im not really sad at the moment, but i just felt betrayed by a girl. and i dont like that. and then i went to the farewell party and i saw my gf were in the popular peer group of our school. so i was jealous of this popular group, and at that time i wish i was also in that peer group having lots of fun, got cute girls. and all i did is watching them from the side and playing with my not so cool friends. and also i got this anxiety everytime my ex and me met, its like that akward feeling in my chest and so i often go away when i felt that. even though, when she was still my gf, i also got that feeling. maybe its because i was afraid about what other boys told me, and i always felt that other boys are better than me, they got more money, cool friends, bla bla bla and i dont have that.

then comes the junior highschool, all of my friends went to other school, while my mom told me to stay in the same school. the reason was so that i dont go far from my house, and at that time there are rumours of fights between schools, and she want me to be save. she dont want me to become one of them, and be a delinquit. its fucked up, because we only got 2 class at that moment and not a lot of student there. my first perception of attending the the junior school was to meet new friends, and i want to be popular with other kids and i didnt get that there. while my friends in other school told me that he met a lot of other people there. he met lots of friends, girls, etc and i just stayed there like a chump afraid of my mother and be this litle nice boy for a freaking 3 years. so at that time, i picked up a belief that "i dont have a lot of friends", "im not popular". in junior highschool, the one thats popular was my senior ( a year above me), they even more popular that their senior. so i look up to them to be popular, but i dont get that acknowledgement from them.

there was this girl that like me at junior school, and she told everyone that she liked me. but for some reason, i didnt acknowledge her. and we ended up not talking for 3 years. thats some fuckup shit man and thats not cool at all. in junior high, i watched my friend get a girl, he was popular, become a cover on some teen magazine. and i only can watch them havin fun and all. dont have a girlfriend here, and i learned about masturbation. boy, i masturbate a lot with internet porn and this habit are still present today.

in highschool, i went to the same school again but only for 1 year. the same story goes with junior high, i was never popular dont have a gf and all. then suddenly my parents ask me to go to college in malaysia and i accepeted. im so happy that i can go to college, because from what i heard, college got a lot of students, i got to see new friends, cool people and all. but the same shit hapened again. the college was not popular, i dont see cool people in there. LOL. not so many hot girls around. so there goes again i said to my self, im not popular, i dont have a lot of friends. but in college, i met a friend of mine who got this pretty indian girl with big boobs. LOL. i thought he was popular with women, so i try to befriending him and we did become friends. he took me to his peers, i met a lot of new people. some of them are what you call alpha male. all they did was going to a club, meet women on the club, and fucked. although they are not that pretty, but they get laid atleast. so almost like every week, i went to a club, and all i did was just dancing, just watching pretty girls havin fun with other guys.and almost two years i went clubbin like that without having any girls and all i did was masturbate after i reached home.

i lost my virginity in college when i was 18, and i lost it to someone women 4 years older than me. we met in a club, and for some reason, that night i was very chatty and told random girl that i like her and i want her number. then i got hers. im so happy, i got her number and follow up next week to get together and she agreed. at this time, i got david de'angelo DYD book. read it, and all i know was just busting balls. i think i got some result with it. anyway, i met her at some mall and i met her friends too. and we decided to go to her apartment and drink for a while. her friends was a bartender, a he mixed quite good. after everyone left, i fucked her. it didnt go that well with that girl, because she was older and so on. i did feel guilty because i lost my virginity, because in our religion its also a big sin. after that, i the days went as usual. clubbin, hanging out, masturbate, and so on. until i met my next gf, which i really like. although shes not that pretty, but she has a killer body. maybe its because i watched to much porn, and i really like women who got phat ass. LOL. at first, i just went to talked to her, because i have a belief that shes not that hot, but she got a nice body. and at that time i only feel a litle bit of anxiety when i talked to her. we talk on the phone, go out for a couple of times, then we fucked almost every 2 days and so on. i was really happy with her, because shes open minded with sex and willing to do things that i liked, shes also funny, and kind smart. we broke up because at that time i finished my college study and goin back to my country. when we broke up, she asked me "after you go back, are we still going to be in a relationship?" and i said no so easily. because at first she told me that she was wants this non attach relationship, but i gues we bond pretty deep because of sex and unconciously she wanted to be with me. she cried, i felt bad, i felt sory for her, at that time i wish i could stop her from crying.

when i went back to my country, i dont have any friends at all. feel kinda lonely, and after that i managed to contact one of my friends and from there i met other friends and all. at this point i already know about the PUA community, i read about mystery method, and also other PUA guru outhere. through mystery method forum, i met a friend who live in the same city and we become close friend. we try to go out every weekedn and try to meet girls on the mall and so on. most of the time we were afraid, and we like to blame each other because pushing each other to talk to women. my daily routine of masturbation still occurs here.

I didnt say that i never get anygirls, but thing was i just never get the women that i want, well accept for barbara the one i told you in malaysia. the feeling that i dont want to hurt women, i got this belief i think from an big fight that i saw when i was litle between my father and mother. when i was 13 or 14, i saw this big fight between my mom and dad. first of all, my father had another wife but he didnt tell my mother until 7 years after his secret marriage. after she knew about his affair, theres been a lot of fighting between my mom and dad. everytime my dad came home from "business trip", my mom always got angry because she knew that he went out with his 2nd wife. my dad 2nd wife was his subordinate in his company, he got a really succesfull business in the 90's, and i think he like the feeling of successfull, power, money, and i think most people in that kind of situation are easily tempted with having more including women. they want to feel on top of the world, have the ability to do anything they want whenever they want. well my dad did just that, last time i heard from my mom that he married another women again. my dad is a playboy, and im sure when he did all that he think litle of his family.

i think from the age of 8 - 15, i've seen so many fight between my mom and dad. they used to fight in their room, although they didnt fight in front of us, i remembered that me and my brothers and sisters used to sit in the living room hearing my mom shouting. usually after the fight, my dad went out of the house and leave for another 2-3 days. and when he came back, they usually fight again. my mom used to call us and she told us things about not doing this to our wife. respect woman/wife, treat her good, be nice, dont hurt them while crying. and she did that quite often. she had the belief that she cant do anything about her marriage, she want to save her children even though she had to sacrifice herself. i think my dad did this on purpose, he never wanted my mom to work, to earn money, all he wanted was for her to take care of his children.

When i was 16, my dad offered me a chance to go to malaysia, to study in a college there. and i think i accepted the offer without thinking much. i guess, i want to runaway from this house, not wanting to see these fights between mom and dad anymore. and so i did fly to malaysia, leaving my mom alone. although i felt sory for her, for 3,5 years i left her behind, alone with no one to accompany her in the house and the thoughts of leaving her alone with my dad was something that i didnt want to know at that moment.

I met one of my best friend a couple of months after reach my country. since i want to be popular, i remembered when that i said to my self that i want to be friends with someone popular. and it did happened, i met my bestfriend who likes to come up on the tv commercial. at that time, i was so happy, because the guy had many cool friends and girls and i can meet new people. so i did meet people, nice cool people and fuckup people. the first time i did drugs was with him (ecstasy). i was in a really depressed at that time, and i kinda dont care about what hapened that night. since i liked it, i keep on using it as away of running away from my problem. almost every weekend we went out, and do drugs in our friends house.

the thing is, when i did hang around my friends. i did feel a bit cool, i got that litle acknowledgement from my peers, but i still couldnt get women. my money was gone, i cant work in the morning, at night i went out till morning...life is a mess at that time. at this time around, a couple of girls come into my life. they are a potential gf, but everytime we get closer, i always said to myself that "i dont want to have a gf, all i want is just someone to had sex", so none of those girls become my gf. until i met this girl that i really like and she become my gf for only just 1 month. you ever heard of a saying "the same bird flocks together", well at that time, i think i live a fuckup life, that girl was more fuck up than i am. her family were more fuck up than i am, she became the family's backbone and so on, come to think of it, i should be grateful that i still had my parents together, but hey, when you are in a trouble and become a victim of your life, you only talk and care about your own problem right. you dont give a fuck about what other people problems are.

she's a singer, and she often called to sing at a gathering. she had a freaking lots of friends, guys and girls, powerful peer group that can protect her from trouble. i think i like her because of her popularity, pretty, social peergroup, and so on. i think im the same as my dad who married his 2nd wife for her popularity and all to get benefits...well, at first the relationship is really goin well, you know how it is when two people fallin in love right. everything is beautiful, all i wanna do is be around her. although i often went out of town for a week, everything seems fine. the thing with her was she likes to hurt herself without thinking much. she also had a victim mentality, and she want someone to save her. so, from family, money, love and all she demand that from me. she had a belief that "you need to sacrifice, if you really love someone" and i really disagree with her on that belief but i just didnt say anything about it. everytime im in town, almost everyday i went to see her. just do whatever she wants, at that time i dont really care about where we goin, all i wanna do is be around her. so its kinda like she's the leader in our relationship, and all i do is just followin her everywhere she go. i got sick of this situation, and i told her that i didnt like the relationship we had, with all the drama, money, and i felt like im being used. we broke up, and i felt really sad. i even cry, because i really-really liked her and i thought she's the one. i dont really know why i cried so hard at that time, i think it reminds me of mom and dad when i saw the big fight when i was younger. and after the breakup, i felt abandoned, i wanna go back to her but my mind told me if i go back to her, the same thing going to happened again. so i repressed all my feeling, and it messed up with my work and my life for a month i think.

my best friend also had a really big impact on me, i remembered when i was with them, i cant make my own decisions. all i did was asking for my friends decisions, every time i told my friend that i want something, i always ask for their opinion, and if they didn't like it, i stop. so, with women is also the same. i did that so i can be acknowledge by them. their belief of women was she have to be very cute and all. so, when it comes to women, i often didn't tell my friend if i'm close to anyone.

its been so long since i am with a women now, i mean have a connection with women. i really missed that feeling of belong to someone.i lack the commitment to handle this problem of my life. all i have was reason about why it shouldnt be done. i need a system to remind me about this problem of mine. i need help, i need support, i need to take care of this problem of mine. please someone, help me.

huff....