05-31-2016, 04:59 AM
Eh more trickery from my mind. It seems like I'm always trying to figure out a way to make E2 work faster and it comes from fear so that last post was just a reflection of that. I recently turned 25 and it just feels like life has passed me by and I was just hiding for all those years. Never really experiencing them fully, sort of in a weird haze. I feel like I've talked about this before, getting some major deja vu right now.
Anyway my point is I've been so worried about running out of time I've been causing myself anxiety and getting nothing done. Too much thinking about the future, how long something is going to take, etc. I've been in such a shitty situation for so long I just want to fix everything now, but I know that isn't gonna happen. Reading some of Shannon's replies on that journal thread about observing the subliminal instead of constantly trying to make it work better got me thinking I need to let E2 do it's thing and trust. My problem is I'm still looking for better ways to do stuff and it's really just a form of procrastination because all that time searching for a better way is probably better spent putting my energy towards actually doing things.
Speaking of which I've noticed a shift towards naturally avoiding time killers like social media, tv, video games, etc. The way I see it is I'm building right now and as gratifying as those things are in the short term, long term they do me no good. And I've realized that once again they're really just procrastination. Half the time I don't even enjoy what I'm doing, I just enjoy not doing the thing that is causing me anxiety.
But my job is still giving me anxiety. Not that in your face anxiety. More like that subtle anxiety that just sits below the surface and constantly keeps you on edge. It sucks. I've been trying to tackle the source. So far all I've been getting is I'm worried I'm not performing up to their standards and I'll be let go. Then I won't have money and I'll be unemployed again and fall back into that spiral of depression that comes with being unable to find a job. Without going into details I'm required to sign people up for credit cards as part of my job, but they expect me to be this pushy sales type and I'm not so I currently have 0. I ask people and if they want one I give it to them, that's about it. So basically every day I go into work I feel like my job is on the line and I have managers questioning why I don't have any credit applications yet. It's stressful and no matter how many times I tell myself to not care and if they fire me they fire me, I still get anxiety.
Anyway my point is I've been so worried about running out of time I've been causing myself anxiety and getting nothing done. Too much thinking about the future, how long something is going to take, etc. I've been in such a shitty situation for so long I just want to fix everything now, but I know that isn't gonna happen. Reading some of Shannon's replies on that journal thread about observing the subliminal instead of constantly trying to make it work better got me thinking I need to let E2 do it's thing and trust. My problem is I'm still looking for better ways to do stuff and it's really just a form of procrastination because all that time searching for a better way is probably better spent putting my energy towards actually doing things.
Speaking of which I've noticed a shift towards naturally avoiding time killers like social media, tv, video games, etc. The way I see it is I'm building right now and as gratifying as those things are in the short term, long term they do me no good. And I've realized that once again they're really just procrastination. Half the time I don't even enjoy what I'm doing, I just enjoy not doing the thing that is causing me anxiety.
But my job is still giving me anxiety. Not that in your face anxiety. More like that subtle anxiety that just sits below the surface and constantly keeps you on edge. It sucks. I've been trying to tackle the source. So far all I've been getting is I'm worried I'm not performing up to their standards and I'll be let go. Then I won't have money and I'll be unemployed again and fall back into that spiral of depression that comes with being unable to find a job. Without going into details I'm required to sign people up for credit cards as part of my job, but they expect me to be this pushy sales type and I'm not so I currently have 0. I ask people and if they want one I give it to them, that's about it. So basically every day I go into work I feel like my job is on the line and I have managers questioning why I don't have any credit applications yet. It's stressful and no matter how many times I tell myself to not care and if they fire me they fire me, I still get anxiety.
