05-30-2016, 12:19 AM
Hi guys this is an "inner life" one, mostly.
I DID have a date on Sunday :-) but what I mostly want to share is more about changes on the INSIDE.
A long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away HA!) like I said, some of my boyfriends were guys other women would also think of as handsome. I even dated someone who was briefly a barman, which of course means lots of other women in his place of work. Anyway, even though I had my moments of insecurity then too, I was pretty good. Like, I wasn't jealous of Jason doing his barman job and I trusted him not to cheat or run off into the sunset with some hottie. If I was with a boyfriend and another girl smiled at him flirtatiously, I would smile at HER and I would think "Yes, he IS yummy, yes, I AM lucky aren't I." things like that.
But more recently, and again it's since the divorce, even though we didn't divorce over another woman or lack of attraction on either side, like I WOULD feel threatened by other women. A LOT.
Even if I saw a photo of a guy with another girl. I remember balling my eyes out when I saw my ex boyfriend, Chris, in a photo side by side with another girl on his meetup profile. Till his best friend told me she's just a friend and doesn't even live in this country!
Anyway, my current fave who I'm crushing on, he let me see his instagram, heck he lets WHOEVER see it. But even though I've seen two photos of him standing side by side with 2 different girls, I'm not jealous. Whereas normally I WOULD be. And I don't see them as a threat. It helps that it was only ONE photo with each, sure. But also sometimes girls flirt with him on there. Part of it is that I'm not really seeing him flirt back with them. But he even had this girl really going for it and in the end he was like OK let's whatsapp but I'm just not jealous. I'm not feeling threatened. Normally I WOULD be. I won't pretend there's no insecurity on my part.
I might be meeting him soon and I'm worried that what if he only wants sex or
what if he's not attracted to me in real life, though I'm gradually and with a lot of inner work getting to the point of not caring so much!
But to not be plagued by that insecurity, that jealousy, ESPECIALLY as I ended things with my ex lover over photos of him with another woman (I was fine with him having sex with others though btw)
After all THAT being thrown in my face, hurting SO MUCH that I took a whole year off men, and to NOT feel jealous and insecure when I have seen my crush in photos with another woman or other girls saying flirty things, I think it's still HUGE HUGE progress.
And they ARE younger and slimmer than me.
And yet, I'm still not feeling jealous or threatened about it.
Normally i SO WOULD.
It feels like MAYBE I'm going back to how the old me used to be. And regardless whatever does or doesn't happen with my crush...I lo - ho -HOVE that.
SO MUCH.
And I think this subliminal could be part of the changes. ??
I DID have a date on Sunday :-) but what I mostly want to share is more about changes on the INSIDE.
A long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away HA!) like I said, some of my boyfriends were guys other women would also think of as handsome. I even dated someone who was briefly a barman, which of course means lots of other women in his place of work. Anyway, even though I had my moments of insecurity then too, I was pretty good. Like, I wasn't jealous of Jason doing his barman job and I trusted him not to cheat or run off into the sunset with some hottie. If I was with a boyfriend and another girl smiled at him flirtatiously, I would smile at HER and I would think "Yes, he IS yummy, yes, I AM lucky aren't I." things like that.
But more recently, and again it's since the divorce, even though we didn't divorce over another woman or lack of attraction on either side, like I WOULD feel threatened by other women. A LOT.
Even if I saw a photo of a guy with another girl. I remember balling my eyes out when I saw my ex boyfriend, Chris, in a photo side by side with another girl on his meetup profile. Till his best friend told me she's just a friend and doesn't even live in this country!
Anyway, my current fave who I'm crushing on, he let me see his instagram, heck he lets WHOEVER see it. But even though I've seen two photos of him standing side by side with 2 different girls, I'm not jealous. Whereas normally I WOULD be. And I don't see them as a threat. It helps that it was only ONE photo with each, sure. But also sometimes girls flirt with him on there. Part of it is that I'm not really seeing him flirt back with them. But he even had this girl really going for it and in the end he was like OK let's whatsapp but I'm just not jealous. I'm not feeling threatened. Normally I WOULD be. I won't pretend there's no insecurity on my part.
I might be meeting him soon and I'm worried that what if he only wants sex or
what if he's not attracted to me in real life, though I'm gradually and with a lot of inner work getting to the point of not caring so much!
But to not be plagued by that insecurity, that jealousy, ESPECIALLY as I ended things with my ex lover over photos of him with another woman (I was fine with him having sex with others though btw)
After all THAT being thrown in my face, hurting SO MUCH that I took a whole year off men, and to NOT feel jealous and insecure when I have seen my crush in photos with another woman or other girls saying flirty things, I think it's still HUGE HUGE progress.
And they ARE younger and slimmer than me.
And yet, I'm still not feeling jealous or threatened about it.
Normally i SO WOULD.
It feels like MAYBE I'm going back to how the old me used to be. And regardless whatever does or doesn't happen with my crush...I lo - ho -HOVE that.
SO MUCH.
And I think this subliminal could be part of the changes. ??
