I'm feel like I'm plateauing at life these days. I'm bored at my job, I'm bored with my gym routine, and I haven't had sex in five years.
I'll go through them in order.
I told myself that this would be the last job working for somebody else. It's a good place to work but I'm unfulfilled. I have contemplated leaving and going all in on a business of my own with no other source of income to fall back on. Now would be a good time: expenses are low and commitments are few. I'm disappointed in myself for having to make it an all or nothing scenario though.
I need to change it up at the gym. I'm thinking about Wendler 5/3/1. I think I should go to maintenance calories for a while and get my hormones back on track. Maybe even enjoy some strength gains.
Last point is something I haven't really given much thought. I've used the term begrudgingly celibate before. What kind of toll has it taken on my mind/mood/body to go five years without sex? Five years without any female companionship. I don't know, because this is my norm. What I do know is that I'm actively resisting what I am built to do and it's unnatural. It really hit me today. It's like a blanket on top of my entire being, and I wonder if my life has been a series of muted colours all this time. Now when I did have a sex life with the one woman I've been with, I remember dealing with shame about my body—this is long before I got in shape—and that exacerbated my poor performance. Yet I was getting that primal action; the kind I've been ignoring with my brain for most of my adult life. You already know what's holding me back, and I struggle to build the kind of momentum that I need to actually do something about it. The only explanation I have is that this reality is so strong because it's familiar, and changing it seems so farfetched, that I can't invest myself in changing it - because of doubt, and possibly fear.
PS Walked into a store the other day and at least three of the hot girls that work there looked me up and down like a strip of bacon.
I'll go through them in order.
I told myself that this would be the last job working for somebody else. It's a good place to work but I'm unfulfilled. I have contemplated leaving and going all in on a business of my own with no other source of income to fall back on. Now would be a good time: expenses are low and commitments are few. I'm disappointed in myself for having to make it an all or nothing scenario though.
I need to change it up at the gym. I'm thinking about Wendler 5/3/1. I think I should go to maintenance calories for a while and get my hormones back on track. Maybe even enjoy some strength gains.
Last point is something I haven't really given much thought. I've used the term begrudgingly celibate before. What kind of toll has it taken on my mind/mood/body to go five years without sex? Five years without any female companionship. I don't know, because this is my norm. What I do know is that I'm actively resisting what I am built to do and it's unnatural. It really hit me today. It's like a blanket on top of my entire being, and I wonder if my life has been a series of muted colours all this time. Now when I did have a sex life with the one woman I've been with, I remember dealing with shame about my body—this is long before I got in shape—and that exacerbated my poor performance. Yet I was getting that primal action; the kind I've been ignoring with my brain for most of my adult life. You already know what's holding me back, and I struggle to build the kind of momentum that I need to actually do something about it. The only explanation I have is that this reality is so strong because it's familiar, and changing it seems so farfetched, that I can't invest myself in changing it - because of doubt, and possibly fear.
PS Walked into a store the other day and at least three of the hot girls that work there looked me up and down like a strip of bacon.
Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
