05-10-2016, 07:44 AM
These past few days I've just been working. I'm only working like 28 hours a week, but it feels like so much more. I'm in a bit of a predicament though.
I don't plan on staying at this job for long, but I'm still finding it hard to adjust. I'm so tired and drained I don't have enough energy to look for a better job. I'm trying, but it's not easy and it's a huge problem because this is how you end up just settling and getting stuck.
Also I get home late like 9 or 10. I don't want to immediately go to sleep, although I'm starting to think I should. But I don't know if I even could because half the time my mind is focused on creativity and my brain doesn't want to go to sleep. I was up until 3 am yesterday working on some music. On one hand once that time has gone that's it, it's gone forever and I should make use of it. On the other hand if I don't get enough sleep and rest, the subliminal won't be as effective and I'll be stuck in a low energy state which will make getting out of this job difficult. Now that I'm thinking it over I'm gonna have to start going to sleep earlier and maybe wake up in the morning and see if I can work on music. But I still have anxiety towards the end of the night before going to sleep, waking up to a new day is one of my least favorite things. I love my music, but I can't get stuck again when I've already made good progress. I have to keep moving forward.
If I was more of a conspiracy theorist I'd say the way modern society's workweek is designed is to fuel materialism. Think about it. Most people who work these low wage jobs are tired, maybe even depressed. When you don't have enough time to actively build skills you start looking at that money you're making just sitting there. And it feels good to buy something and instantly have it, no real work involved. Job still makes you miserable, you buy more stuff to be happy, maybe now you're spending outside your budget so you land in debt, you work harder to pay it off, don't get close, and the cycle continues. I've been more lenient with my spending now that I have a job but I've stopped because I realized I was just reinforcing bad behavior. Yeah a 3 dollar coffee makes me feel good for about 30 minutes, but 3 dollars is a lot of money that could go towards something more important like food or gas.
Anyway the other thing is I was going through old journals of mine and I saw these realizations I had that I'm still "discovering" these days. Which makes me think I never really absorbed these things as much as I should. I guess I have a really high awareness of my problems which deludes me into believing I've overcome them, but I think the reality of the situation is there is a part of me that is lagging behind that still hasn't caught up yet. My subconscious maybe? I don't know. People always told me growing up I was "wise beyond my years" but all this awareness doesn't mean anything if you can't put it into action. I guess if I had to think of an analogy I've been fueling the rocket for years, but I'm still tethered to the ground and not going anywhere. The rocket being my life, I just can't seem to get it up and running like everyone else around me.
I don't plan on staying at this job for long, but I'm still finding it hard to adjust. I'm so tired and drained I don't have enough energy to look for a better job. I'm trying, but it's not easy and it's a huge problem because this is how you end up just settling and getting stuck.
Also I get home late like 9 or 10. I don't want to immediately go to sleep, although I'm starting to think I should. But I don't know if I even could because half the time my mind is focused on creativity and my brain doesn't want to go to sleep. I was up until 3 am yesterday working on some music. On one hand once that time has gone that's it, it's gone forever and I should make use of it. On the other hand if I don't get enough sleep and rest, the subliminal won't be as effective and I'll be stuck in a low energy state which will make getting out of this job difficult. Now that I'm thinking it over I'm gonna have to start going to sleep earlier and maybe wake up in the morning and see if I can work on music. But I still have anxiety towards the end of the night before going to sleep, waking up to a new day is one of my least favorite things. I love my music, but I can't get stuck again when I've already made good progress. I have to keep moving forward.
If I was more of a conspiracy theorist I'd say the way modern society's workweek is designed is to fuel materialism. Think about it. Most people who work these low wage jobs are tired, maybe even depressed. When you don't have enough time to actively build skills you start looking at that money you're making just sitting there. And it feels good to buy something and instantly have it, no real work involved. Job still makes you miserable, you buy more stuff to be happy, maybe now you're spending outside your budget so you land in debt, you work harder to pay it off, don't get close, and the cycle continues. I've been more lenient with my spending now that I have a job but I've stopped because I realized I was just reinforcing bad behavior. Yeah a 3 dollar coffee makes me feel good for about 30 minutes, but 3 dollars is a lot of money that could go towards something more important like food or gas.
Anyway the other thing is I was going through old journals of mine and I saw these realizations I had that I'm still "discovering" these days. Which makes me think I never really absorbed these things as much as I should. I guess I have a really high awareness of my problems which deludes me into believing I've overcome them, but I think the reality of the situation is there is a part of me that is lagging behind that still hasn't caught up yet. My subconscious maybe? I don't know. People always told me growing up I was "wise beyond my years" but all this awareness doesn't mean anything if you can't put it into action. I guess if I had to think of an analogy I've been fueling the rocket for years, but I'm still tethered to the ground and not going anywhere. The rocket being my life, I just can't seem to get it up and running like everyone else around me.
