05-04-2016, 08:09 PM
Gotta unload some stuff. Despite doing a lot of self improvement on myself over the years and the amazing job EHPRA 2.0 has been doing, my life just feels dark. There's always been this sense of melancholy I carry around. I used to think it was depression, some kind of chemical imbalance. But I've realized it's really just my inability to open up to people. I don't care what anyone says, you NEED connection with people. And not on the superficial level. I'm talking the real you, down to the core, flaws and all.
I've mentioned it before but when I was younger, around 17, my psyche was so messed up I convinced myself I didn't need anyone in my life because I was too afraid of being hurt or judged. So much emotional pain was buried. And worst of all I lost connection with the world. It's like I severed a cord that anchored me to connections with other people. Man it was so bad I'd consider it a weakness at times that I wanted to connect with people. Like I had to transcend it or something. This in turn made me incredibly critical of other people who exhibited emotional needs because I was deeply uncomfortable with those myself.
Ultimately you can't disconnect yourself from the world and at the same time let the positive in as well. You have to take the good with the bad and that's scary, for me at least. I don't want to live this way anymore. My fears run deeper than I ever thought and I'm still very unaware of some of my avoidant behavior I exhibit. It really hit me hard today when I realized I couldn't tell both of my parents I love them because I was too terrified of being that exposed and vulnerable. I mean I do say it to them and hug them, but I feel a piece of me holding back. I'm not opening up my heart all the way.
I've tried to see what's beyond this current reality I live, but to be honest I can't. And I've realized it's because I haven't allowed it. I've constantly looked for some kind of answer or tried to plan how to go about doing it. But it's just all emotions and those don't run on logic. I just have to do it, I have to be more open and stop hiding all the time. It's scary and I want a different answer, but this is it. If I want my suffering to end I have to be connected again.
I don't want to live in regret if people close to me die and I never really connect with them on a deeper level. I don't want to live anymore keeping people an arms length away just to protect myself. I'd rather get hurt constantly and be able to be open with those I love than live in fear and never let those I love in.
Striving to perfect myself before I open up to people is one of the things that's kept me trapped for so long. But from today onward my goal is to live as authentically and open as possible, even if it hurts, because I know I'll only grow stronger for it. And I want to give people the strength and courage to do the same because this world is hard enough as is without us feeling the need to hide ourselves or put on a face to get by.
That's all I've got for now, but those are my deepest feelings and thoughts at the moment.
I've mentioned it before but when I was younger, around 17, my psyche was so messed up I convinced myself I didn't need anyone in my life because I was too afraid of being hurt or judged. So much emotional pain was buried. And worst of all I lost connection with the world. It's like I severed a cord that anchored me to connections with other people. Man it was so bad I'd consider it a weakness at times that I wanted to connect with people. Like I had to transcend it or something. This in turn made me incredibly critical of other people who exhibited emotional needs because I was deeply uncomfortable with those myself.
Ultimately you can't disconnect yourself from the world and at the same time let the positive in as well. You have to take the good with the bad and that's scary, for me at least. I don't want to live this way anymore. My fears run deeper than I ever thought and I'm still very unaware of some of my avoidant behavior I exhibit. It really hit me hard today when I realized I couldn't tell both of my parents I love them because I was too terrified of being that exposed and vulnerable. I mean I do say it to them and hug them, but I feel a piece of me holding back. I'm not opening up my heart all the way.
I've tried to see what's beyond this current reality I live, but to be honest I can't. And I've realized it's because I haven't allowed it. I've constantly looked for some kind of answer or tried to plan how to go about doing it. But it's just all emotions and those don't run on logic. I just have to do it, I have to be more open and stop hiding all the time. It's scary and I want a different answer, but this is it. If I want my suffering to end I have to be connected again.
I don't want to live in regret if people close to me die and I never really connect with them on a deeper level. I don't want to live anymore keeping people an arms length away just to protect myself. I'd rather get hurt constantly and be able to be open with those I love than live in fear and never let those I love in.
Striving to perfect myself before I open up to people is one of the things that's kept me trapped for so long. But from today onward my goal is to live as authentically and open as possible, even if it hurts, because I know I'll only grow stronger for it. And I want to give people the strength and courage to do the same because this world is hard enough as is without us feeling the need to hide ourselves or put on a face to get by.
That's all I've got for now, but those are my deepest feelings and thoughts at the moment.
