04-16-2016, 11:32 PM
That's a great way to look at things, thanks for the fresh perspective Shannon. I don't think I would have discovered that out on my own since I am looking at it too closely. And it is true, I did use the booze to numb and hide from things.
For some reason ASC brought on a lot of stress. The self hate? I am not sure, I try to observe it more often now, since in reality it shouldn't be there. I feel like the amount of bullying I went through might have left some scars. I mean I'm sure it's not the severest amount of bullying one can go through, but it's just something I never learned to cope with.
It could also have to do with being a virgin and finding it socially unacceptable and being ashamed of that. The tape in the head about this is rough.
But the more likely deeper reason is that all of these are expectations. I expect to be able to do this and be that and if I'm not able to do that... HATE. I want to feel good in social settings and feel no anxiety, but it won't work and then I start hating myself for being so god damn weak and not being able to change. Well that's enough self pity in one post.
I had an interesting dream tonight. I went to a party with a few friends and it was packed (on the streets). I felt good before going there, but when I got there I found myself overcome by the terror of all these people being there. It seemed that I was sober in this dream and that's what made it even harder. I woke up at one point and started to reflect on that dream.
When I was there, all I could think about was how horrible the situation was. However when I woke up I thought how much I actually wanted to socialize but couldn't because the terror not only took away my ability to have a conversation but also the positivity or any enjoyment I might have had before, so even if I were to muster up some courage I didn't enjoy being there even one bit. Actually I even wanted to be a party planner at some point in my life since when I am not crippled by fear I am an incredibly fun person and I enjoy entertaining others. Yet the anxiety is something that I have never really known how to deal with.
That realization will yet again clarify the direction that I must move towards and E2 will be here to assist!
For some reason ASC brought on a lot of stress. The self hate? I am not sure, I try to observe it more often now, since in reality it shouldn't be there. I feel like the amount of bullying I went through might have left some scars. I mean I'm sure it's not the severest amount of bullying one can go through, but it's just something I never learned to cope with.
It could also have to do with being a virgin and finding it socially unacceptable and being ashamed of that. The tape in the head about this is rough.
But the more likely deeper reason is that all of these are expectations. I expect to be able to do this and be that and if I'm not able to do that... HATE. I want to feel good in social settings and feel no anxiety, but it won't work and then I start hating myself for being so god damn weak and not being able to change. Well that's enough self pity in one post.
I had an interesting dream tonight. I went to a party with a few friends and it was packed (on the streets). I felt good before going there, but when I got there I found myself overcome by the terror of all these people being there. It seemed that I was sober in this dream and that's what made it even harder. I woke up at one point and started to reflect on that dream.
When I was there, all I could think about was how horrible the situation was. However when I woke up I thought how much I actually wanted to socialize but couldn't because the terror not only took away my ability to have a conversation but also the positivity or any enjoyment I might have had before, so even if I were to muster up some courage I didn't enjoy being there even one bit. Actually I even wanted to be a party planner at some point in my life since when I am not crippled by fear I am an incredibly fun person and I enjoy entertaining others. Yet the anxiety is something that I have never really known how to deal with.
That realization will yet again clarify the direction that I must move towards and E2 will be here to assist!
