04-13-2016, 07:03 AM
So I had another interview yesterday. Nothing major, just a local grocery store. I was hoping to work in the stock position. I was pretty much informed the only position they had open was cashier. So I told them yeah I was interested. Then they started going over the job requirements which basically entailed being an extroverted person towards the customers, which I'm not. Of course I lied telling them how great I am with customers and how outgoing I am. If I told them anything else they would have just canned my application. I've realized honesty isn't good in job interviews, or my honesty at least. I value being authentic more than coming across a certain way, but I've come to the harsh realization that the world operates in the exact opposite manner and I have to play the game.
Anyway, I'm fed up with having extroverted tendencies being pushed onto me as an introvert. I still struggle with this. I've lost track of the amount of times I've felt broken or defective for not fitting into some role that's tailored specifically for extroverts. After the interview I was just so drained and I felt bad because of that too. 1 interview and it's like my nerves were shot for the rest of the day. My anxiety still gets the best of me, physically. It's very taxing on my body. I've gotten really good at presenting myself in a confident manner over the years, but I'm sick of it. I just really want to be myself and stop feeling like I'm putting on a persona to get by in life. Maybe it's because I'm still struggling with depression a bit and I don't have the confidence yet to not feel under the obligation to be overly positive with people to mask that.
Today I was in the shower and I just felt the need to put out an intention into the universe to give me any other kind of opportunity besides cashiering. I actually am hoping I don't get the job because I don't think I'm at a point in my emotional healing journey where this type of stress will aid me in any way. Maybe one day, but for now the combination of the constant interaction with people and the demands of management to be more extroverted would probably wear me down.
If I'm being honest I'm not the friendliest person. I'm so preoccupied with my own life and getting things sorted out that at times I'm selfish as well. And having a lifelong struggle with anxiety I've realized I'm closed off a lot and when I meet new people it's less taking an interest in them and more worrying about protecting myself. There's a lot about me that I really don't like. But most of it is just a result of the struggles I've faced over the years. A lot of my flaws are apparent to me, but my strengths mostly go unnoticed.
Anyway, I'm fed up with having extroverted tendencies being pushed onto me as an introvert. I still struggle with this. I've lost track of the amount of times I've felt broken or defective for not fitting into some role that's tailored specifically for extroverts. After the interview I was just so drained and I felt bad because of that too. 1 interview and it's like my nerves were shot for the rest of the day. My anxiety still gets the best of me, physically. It's very taxing on my body. I've gotten really good at presenting myself in a confident manner over the years, but I'm sick of it. I just really want to be myself and stop feeling like I'm putting on a persona to get by in life. Maybe it's because I'm still struggling with depression a bit and I don't have the confidence yet to not feel under the obligation to be overly positive with people to mask that.
Today I was in the shower and I just felt the need to put out an intention into the universe to give me any other kind of opportunity besides cashiering. I actually am hoping I don't get the job because I don't think I'm at a point in my emotional healing journey where this type of stress will aid me in any way. Maybe one day, but for now the combination of the constant interaction with people and the demands of management to be more extroverted would probably wear me down.
If I'm being honest I'm not the friendliest person. I'm so preoccupied with my own life and getting things sorted out that at times I'm selfish as well. And having a lifelong struggle with anxiety I've realized I'm closed off a lot and when I meet new people it's less taking an interest in them and more worrying about protecting myself. There's a lot about me that I really don't like. But most of it is just a result of the struggles I've faced over the years. A lot of my flaws are apparent to me, but my strengths mostly go unnoticed.
