04-03-2016, 07:19 AM
So many things I've been delusional about that are coming to light. I used to always pride myself on never getting angry. I honestly believed that I had this amazing control over anger and now I'm realizing I really don't. I just stuffed it down over the years and that's it.
It's been pouring out of me these past few days. So much rage and frustration. Most of it surrounds how I'm sick of feeling like I need to justify why I am the way I am. The thing I tend to value the most in my life is my creative expression and I'd gladly work a job with less hours and less pay if it meant more time to pursue that. It's not even about being noticed by other people or making money off of it, it's just making music feels like being home to me. Music in general just fills this massive void in my life.
A lot of this anger is directed at myself as well. I'm really upset that when it comes to the real world I have trouble holding firm to my values. I'm easily manipulated by others if they use fear. This is mostly related to working jobs. I know some guys here don't see holding down a job as a big deal in their life, but it's a huge obstacle for me. A lot of it is just trying to make sure I don't get screwed by a company because I don't have enough of a backbone. Also to not take my mistakes at a job as a sign of worthlessness as a person. Especially when a lot of jobs are tailored to a certain personality type that I don't readily fit.
All in all when it comes to this stuff I just want it to feel less like going into a warzone and more like just seeing the whole thing as a game. If it takes a bit of anger or frustration to get myself to the point where I don't take people's shit I'll gladly abide by that. I'm just seriously fed up of living like I have to prove my worth to everyone around me instead of just acknowledging their opinions as useless. You know what's funny though? I can count on one hand the amount of times I've actually been criticized on a personal level. Most of it is just an imaginary fear, a paranoia. I'm quite literally afraid of something in my life that may never even happen. It's like I'm just preparing for the worst and making myself crazy because of it. And I'm doing it all to myself. People's actions are just that, their actions, what I choose to do after that is up to me. Unfortunately for me I have a bad habit of turning those actions into a laundry list of why I'm not good enough as a person or how incompetent I am.
This was supposed to be a short update haha, but it turned into a rant. EHPRA 2.0, this thing continues to shine light on things I wasn't even aware of consciously. Makes me realize my entire concept of myself is probably incredibly skewed towards the negative and I don't even process it.
It's been pouring out of me these past few days. So much rage and frustration. Most of it surrounds how I'm sick of feeling like I need to justify why I am the way I am. The thing I tend to value the most in my life is my creative expression and I'd gladly work a job with less hours and less pay if it meant more time to pursue that. It's not even about being noticed by other people or making money off of it, it's just making music feels like being home to me. Music in general just fills this massive void in my life.
A lot of this anger is directed at myself as well. I'm really upset that when it comes to the real world I have trouble holding firm to my values. I'm easily manipulated by others if they use fear. This is mostly related to working jobs. I know some guys here don't see holding down a job as a big deal in their life, but it's a huge obstacle for me. A lot of it is just trying to make sure I don't get screwed by a company because I don't have enough of a backbone. Also to not take my mistakes at a job as a sign of worthlessness as a person. Especially when a lot of jobs are tailored to a certain personality type that I don't readily fit.
All in all when it comes to this stuff I just want it to feel less like going into a warzone and more like just seeing the whole thing as a game. If it takes a bit of anger or frustration to get myself to the point where I don't take people's shit I'll gladly abide by that. I'm just seriously fed up of living like I have to prove my worth to everyone around me instead of just acknowledging their opinions as useless. You know what's funny though? I can count on one hand the amount of times I've actually been criticized on a personal level. Most of it is just an imaginary fear, a paranoia. I'm quite literally afraid of something in my life that may never even happen. It's like I'm just preparing for the worst and making myself crazy because of it. And I'm doing it all to myself. People's actions are just that, their actions, what I choose to do after that is up to me. Unfortunately for me I have a bad habit of turning those actions into a laundry list of why I'm not good enough as a person or how incompetent I am.
This was supposed to be a short update haha, but it turned into a rant. EHPRA 2.0, this thing continues to shine light on things I wasn't even aware of consciously. Makes me realize my entire concept of myself is probably incredibly skewed towards the negative and I don't even process it.
