04-02-2016, 07:55 AM
It was rough last night. I kept waking up in the middle of the night with this gnawing sensation right in my stomach. I can feel myself letting down my guard more for the subliminal. But it's met with this emotional intensity I've never really experienced before. Almost like I want to tear open my stomach and rip out whatever is in there. I've been able to spend more and more time with these issues instead of avoiding them.
I've gotten really good at avoiding this stuff over the years. I never fully addressed these things because I thought I was just dwelling on them and it was better to not pay attention or get sucked into it. But now I realize I was just practicing avoidance of dealing with very real emotions. If there's one thing I'm really coming to terms with it's that this stuff gets released when you're ready to let go of it. You can't really rush it along or want it to be over with, that just leads to more avoidance. All my attempts through conscious intervention to speed along the process really just made things take longer because it was like procrastinating from getting into the deeper stuff.
More importantly I'm going to stop obsessing over how to make this work faster. I still feel that feeling of needing to compare myself to others, but it's not as strong anymore. It's just been really rough over the years, not being able to explain to people why I do the things I do or how hard it is to just merely "get over it". It still feels like making excuses, even when I've started making a lot of progress in my life. I guess there's still some shame in me of feeling like I'm not doing all that I can do.
Also I was wondering why I seem to get better results during the day and I realized I don't play the volume as loud at night. So I'll be boosting the volume at night to see what kind of difference it makes. I avoided playing it louder because I was worried that maybe it would be too intense and effect my sleep in an unfavorable way, but I'm pretty much past that now and willing to do whatever it takes to keep moving forward at a strong pace.
I've gotten really good at avoiding this stuff over the years. I never fully addressed these things because I thought I was just dwelling on them and it was better to not pay attention or get sucked into it. But now I realize I was just practicing avoidance of dealing with very real emotions. If there's one thing I'm really coming to terms with it's that this stuff gets released when you're ready to let go of it. You can't really rush it along or want it to be over with, that just leads to more avoidance. All my attempts through conscious intervention to speed along the process really just made things take longer because it was like procrastinating from getting into the deeper stuff.
More importantly I'm going to stop obsessing over how to make this work faster. I still feel that feeling of needing to compare myself to others, but it's not as strong anymore. It's just been really rough over the years, not being able to explain to people why I do the things I do or how hard it is to just merely "get over it". It still feels like making excuses, even when I've started making a lot of progress in my life. I guess there's still some shame in me of feeling like I'm not doing all that I can do.
Also I was wondering why I seem to get better results during the day and I realized I don't play the volume as loud at night. So I'll be boosting the volume at night to see what kind of difference it makes. I avoided playing it louder because I was worried that maybe it would be too intense and effect my sleep in an unfavorable way, but I'm pretty much past that now and willing to do whatever it takes to keep moving forward at a strong pace.
