03-27-2016, 11:39 AM
Sometimes I can't tell if the insight comes first and then the healing. Or if you heal and then the insight follows. Or both. So much stuff going on in my head, I have trouble keeping track of it. After that last post I've noticed a huge decrease in that need to be a perfectionist. Not in the usual way where I tell myself I need to be more aware of it, but more like being given the choice. I was listening to the sub this morning before getting out of bed and fell into a type of meditative state. I saw a path in front of me. One way was the perfectionism and self defeating behavior, I looked down the path and just felt that pain and suffering. The other path was possibilities and a life where it's ok if I'm not perfect and accepting my own humanity. I didn't feel compelled to continue to follow that path of pain and suffering like I did so much in the past. I realized it is a choice and there's another better way. But I was so deep in that emotional pain I couldn't see it. It might as well not have been a possibility for me.
Now I feel more compassion for myself. I knew the concept of compassion, I read about it many times, but putting it into action was nearly impossible. Whenever I think about how stuck I am in life right now or feel like I'm behind everyone else I tell myself it's ok. It doesn't make me a bad person. Instead of beating myself up when I'm not as good at something as I feel like I should be, I just tell myself I'll get better as long as I keep trying and where I'm at now is more than enough. I'll be honest I'm still not comfortable with it. It's hard to see myself as a person deserving of compassion when I have a tendency to believe I need to be a better person before I get it. But it's so much better not feeling that crushing weight on my shoulders of not measuring up to everyone else around me.
After a lot of this sunk in I worked on some music and I wasn't feeling that paralyzed fear that constantly gives me writers block. I wasn't worried about it being good enough, in fact I told myself it's alright if what I made wasn't good. It's part of the learning process. The irony of that is the more I let go of the need to be good at it, the better my music got. I feel like I'm getting back in touch with that initial feeling I had when I first got into music. Something that I lost once I started comparing myself to other artists too much. And I'm more in touch with my intuition when creating, I just trust that inner guide instead of worrying if I'm doing it right or not. Prior to this I was swamping myself in knowledge and books thinking if I just learned enough I could get around my writers block. But no amount of knowledge is substitute for experience. I always knew that, but still fear caused me to obsessively try to create the perfect piece of music so I could avoid the disappointment of not being as good as my favorite artists.
I feel like I've had some major growth over these past few days. The big one is compassion, without a doubt. I can't explain why, but it just makes sense to me now. Whereas before I had all these reasons that felt like objective fact why I wasn't deserving of compassion. That's when things are bad, when you're so deep in a hole things like self love and compassion seem wrong.
Now I feel more compassion for myself. I knew the concept of compassion, I read about it many times, but putting it into action was nearly impossible. Whenever I think about how stuck I am in life right now or feel like I'm behind everyone else I tell myself it's ok. It doesn't make me a bad person. Instead of beating myself up when I'm not as good at something as I feel like I should be, I just tell myself I'll get better as long as I keep trying and where I'm at now is more than enough. I'll be honest I'm still not comfortable with it. It's hard to see myself as a person deserving of compassion when I have a tendency to believe I need to be a better person before I get it. But it's so much better not feeling that crushing weight on my shoulders of not measuring up to everyone else around me.
After a lot of this sunk in I worked on some music and I wasn't feeling that paralyzed fear that constantly gives me writers block. I wasn't worried about it being good enough, in fact I told myself it's alright if what I made wasn't good. It's part of the learning process. The irony of that is the more I let go of the need to be good at it, the better my music got. I feel like I'm getting back in touch with that initial feeling I had when I first got into music. Something that I lost once I started comparing myself to other artists too much. And I'm more in touch with my intuition when creating, I just trust that inner guide instead of worrying if I'm doing it right or not. Prior to this I was swamping myself in knowledge and books thinking if I just learned enough I could get around my writers block. But no amount of knowledge is substitute for experience. I always knew that, but still fear caused me to obsessively try to create the perfect piece of music so I could avoid the disappointment of not being as good as my favorite artists.
I feel like I've had some major growth over these past few days. The big one is compassion, without a doubt. I can't explain why, but it just makes sense to me now. Whereas before I had all these reasons that felt like objective fact why I wasn't deserving of compassion. That's when things are bad, when you're so deep in a hole things like self love and compassion seem wrong.
