03-19-2016, 08:33 PM
Almost recovered and back in the world again. Also the thing that had me preoccupied has found a conclusion, but my heart will be heavy for a while.
Being sick afforded me the opportunity to face one of my demons. When I got sick as a kid, my mother completely overreacted. She wasn't hysterical, but she was visibly worried and she had this nervous energy, and when you're a kid you pick up on that. To this day I feel a sense of dread when I'm sick but this time around I fought it with sheer mental fortitude. I convinced myself that what I felt was completely unreasonable. I've come a long way in terms of wisdom and maturity. It's so liberating to be able to rely on positive self-talk.
So I got back to work and I was definitely vulnerable being around people again. I felt something I haven't in a long time: isolated. I noticed the social connections around me and I felt left out. I used to feel this way a lot and it came from a place of low self-esteem that manifested itself in social estrangement. I don't mean that people wanted nothing to do with me, but rather the opposite. I declined social opportunities because I had better things to do like go home and be a hermit. Well eventually the invitations stop coming. I really need to work on investing in my social life so that I can have one.
As goofy as I can be I've always had an heir of uptightness and it comes from being uncomfortable and not knowing what to say. This has improved over the years, especially now that I've transformed inside and out, but I still feel like I'm not fun. I want to work on being fun, but I'm not sure where to begin.
Side note: Saw some hotties at work today and it's still weird yet cool to look at a woman I'm attracted to and feel like I could have her and not like a worthless piece of shit.
Being sick afforded me the opportunity to face one of my demons. When I got sick as a kid, my mother completely overreacted. She wasn't hysterical, but she was visibly worried and she had this nervous energy, and when you're a kid you pick up on that. To this day I feel a sense of dread when I'm sick but this time around I fought it with sheer mental fortitude. I convinced myself that what I felt was completely unreasonable. I've come a long way in terms of wisdom and maturity. It's so liberating to be able to rely on positive self-talk.
So I got back to work and I was definitely vulnerable being around people again. I felt something I haven't in a long time: isolated. I noticed the social connections around me and I felt left out. I used to feel this way a lot and it came from a place of low self-esteem that manifested itself in social estrangement. I don't mean that people wanted nothing to do with me, but rather the opposite. I declined social opportunities because I had better things to do like go home and be a hermit. Well eventually the invitations stop coming. I really need to work on investing in my social life so that I can have one.
As goofy as I can be I've always had an heir of uptightness and it comes from being uncomfortable and not knowing what to say. This has improved over the years, especially now that I've transformed inside and out, but I still feel like I'm not fun. I want to work on being fun, but I'm not sure where to begin.
Side note: Saw some hotties at work today and it's still weird yet cool to look at a woman I'm attracted to and feel like I could have her and not like a worthless piece of shit.
Under heaven all can see beauty as beauty only because there is ugliness.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
All can know good as good only because there is evil.
