EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

I also had a realization why I'm having trouble reading some books I'm interested in learning from. A lot of the books I'm reading come from people that are a lot better at what they do than me, which triggers that comparison reaction. So I'll be trying to read but thinking things like I'm so far away from being as good and knowledgeable as them about this material. That causes stress and then I lose focus. Little by little, I'm noticing this behavior decreasing and it's made it easier for me to focus because my self worth isn't tied up in learning something.

Isn't that the purpose of learning from someone with more experience than you? Model your behavior after their success; so you can become successful at a faster, quicker pace??

It's good that your need to compare yourself to them is decreasing. Eventually, the student becomes the master and surpasses the teacher.

Logically that makes sense. But that stemmed from an emotional issue of feeling like I was never good enough. It just added more fuel to the fire. It's really hard to describe unless you've been there. It was like feeling like I was going to fail before I even started reading.

I used to have this exact problem man! I had to start switching up why I wanted to learn. I had to go from "this dude is way better than me at this... Why bother if I'm never going to be number 1?" to "I want to learn this because it interests me, and not for any other reason."

Basically I was competing against people I had never met and never would. As soon as I consciously started to learn things fo enjoyment instead of competition it started to help.

That's definitely the way to go. I've been internalizing that mindset more and more these days and I've been way more productive.

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Anyway, I've been thinking back on my life and I've seen opportunities that really slipped by for me. This might get a bit long, but I feel like this has to do with the "do what you love" thing that got taught to my generation.

I'm not against people following their passion. But you need money and sometimes that means a bit of compromise. Something I wasn't willing to do when I was younger and I missed out. That and fear of failing or not being good enough at the demands of the job. Basically I interned at a data center for a bit and my boss recommended some books for me to read and study up on networking and let me mess around with some routers to learn. But I didn't take it seriously enough because I thought I would just find something better that clicked for me. But that never happened. I was also struggling with some serious depression and anxiety at the time that made focus very hard.

As I bring this up I'm not dwelling on what happened or beating myself up because the circumstances were unchangeable at the time for me. But it highlights two important things. 1 is underestimating my capabilities. Any job with a high amount of responsibilities was just seen as a potential failure resulting in getting fired. So I automatically pigeonholed myself into low wage jobs that would keep me on that cycle of struggling to get by. And 2 my incredibly black and white thinking and the wrong assumption that because I didn't absolutely love my job I shouldn't take the opportunity. I was unable to see that, yes it wasn't the most fulfilling job but it would provide me with financial stability and then I could pursue my true passion which is music. It doesn't hurt to have a backup plan.

I honestly don't know where I rank on intelligence and I know there are people way smarter than me. But I know one of my strengths is resilience and I'm able to keep going even in the toughest situations. So with that in mind I've been searching for jobs that reflect the higher value view I've had of myself lately. I've basically reached a point where I believe I can do better, I just have to try instead of being afraid of failing at it.