A Better Alex, stage 2: ASC Journal

[apollolux]

In the early days of ASC I felt extremely uncalibrated and off-balance internally as the overwhelming amount of doing "only those things that increase, improve and strengthen my self confidence" and such seemed to overpower the desire to "balance my ego with humility to become genuinely self confident." I grew up essentially feeling like I was being shamed and punished for being male by a single mother who's been through some stuff in her own life and eventually by female peers, and apparently the desire to prove I'm good enough didn't allow me to let the ego balancing statement(s) initially take hold. They eventually did, but it took quite some time before that happened due to me also consciously feeling like me being humble was being disingenuous and fake. I feel much more internally balanced now, but I still harbor anger and disappointment toward some people because of their actions, as well as a lack of an outlet (e.g. a punching bag) to release that built up anger properly.

EHPRA, which I originally ran to target that shame and some fears, was too powerful and if I had run it during the semester instead of the summer I would have a blubbering inconsolable mess and unable to concentrate on classes.