Another MLS Journal :p

[Why So Serious?]

I don't think I should be an artist for a living anymore. I'll still draw and keep it as side gig but not full time. I actually visualized my self trying to do it full time and didn't like it. Felt burnt out just visualizing it. My feelings are hurt because I thought this was something I wanted to do. In a strange way I do feel relived at the same time. I think I was just forcing myself into liking it so I can have a purpose, have a direction in life. I know everyone is disappointed in me for not finding it.
I need to focus on doing something else. I'm tired of fighting myself with this.

I realized that I don't really think things through. I thought I did, but I don't. I really need to think this through and not force myself anymore.

Soul searching is tough but it's supposed to be. You're finding insights into who you are but that doesn't mean you have to make concrete decisions right away. Keep searching and stay strong. Maybe give the art for a living a break while you keep finding out what you want. You might refind it as your passion or maybe find a new one that could be related to it. Or maybe it'll be totally different.

I read this,thought about it for a while, and you might be right. I'll give it break.
As for the soul searching didn't want to admit that this is what I'm going through. I mean this is learning sub meant for studying well....... other subjects. I know mentioned that it could help with learning about yourself earlier but never knew it would go to this level.

Maybe I'm the only one going through this using MLS.

Okay my short term memory is horrible now. It did get better but since I've been in this rut it's worse. My urge to learn is also gone.

Now this is the killer part. I have always had an aversion to having and raising kids. Now I don't. I'm pretty okay with the idea now that is IF IT EVER HAPPENS. I'm not going out trying to have kids right away........just that I'm okay with having them now. I've also been watching Asian dramas and just allowing myself to get lost in them. Daydreaming that it could happen to happen to me. I don't usually do this and I would have tried to hide my interest in romantic crap.

There so darn cute. Of course I still wouldn't admit it out loud to anyone. At least not yet.

My fear for people is still there and I just don't want to interact with anyone right now. Hate to admit this but it's always been there just kept covering it up I guess.

I'm becoming more sensitive to watch now. Can't stand watching a whole lot of mindless violence anymore. Which is weird because I can still watch Breaking Bad. However the thought of watching the saw movies is getting to me and liked those moives.

Don't know what happening to me. It feels like your losing yourself,a part of you identity. It does scare the crap outta me and sometimes I do curse to myself about being tired of this sh** and I need to just stop listening.
I'll keep going I might switch to something else since I'm close to three months. Still not sure.

Growing up did you have any type of negative attachments or trauma associated with learning? You seem to have a good amount of experience with subliminals, but maybe something was tied into learning in general. Made to feel dumb as a kid, told you wouldn't or couldn't understand, embarrassed in calculus class, etc. sounds like you're running go the right sub if it is having such a big impact.

A great deal of negative experiences not sure about trauma. If something traumatic did happen I don't remember.
I don't think I have a lot of experience with subs.
Pretty much all that but it wasn't calculus class.
I guess just wasn't expecting all this. I mean what does any of this mean? All I wanted was to learn how to draw and make money. Now I'm stuck in a rut and feel like something deep down is getting agitated slowly bring crap up to the surface. Most of it makes no sense to me as far as learning goes. Certainly didn't want to learn this stuff about myself. Aww well.