EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

I don't know how to describe this but here it goes. I feel like with these subliminals I'm trying to improve myself. But it's taking me away from who I am. Like I'm trying to be someone else instead of healing the damaged part of myself. I keep trying to be confident, happy, successful, etc. But I never actually am. It's like slapping a bandaid over a deep wound.

Down to my core I just feel like I don't like myself. Like inhabiting my own skin is uncomfortable and I'm trying to get away from myself. And I realize that's a huge problem, because if I never like myself I'll never be happy. But you can't just tell yourself to like yourself. It doesn't work like that. I can't even deconstruct why I don't like myself. That's the hardest part. If I had some concrete reason I could probably do better. But it's so abstract, it's just this feeling. And it follows me everywhere. And I try to escape it at almost every opportunity, sometimes I don't even realize it. I've made a habit of putting on different masks. Sometimes just so I don't worry other people. But I rarely ever feel ok being myself.

I'm not holding onto this. I'm looking to move past it. But for the time being it sucks. And it's largely an emotional issue, outside the realm of conscious thought which makes it nearly impossible to deal with on any kind of rational level.

I know the feeling, it sucks. Feels like going in circles too. The more you try to be yourself the further you seem to drift away.

Glad I'm not alone in dealing with this. It's definitely one of those things that impacts nearly every area of my life.

So you consciously recognize that you are developing in ways that are contrary to the self you have come to identify with over the course of your life. I've been there too, and it is a sign of growth.

When you put it that way I can see how I'm getting better. At least with not identifying with it as much. But it's almost like revealing all this messed up stuff and then not really having a solution or answer. Well there actually is, the subliminals, but it takes time and I guess being stuck in the state between absolutely identifying with it and not identifying with it is torture. Like two different sides pulling at your mind. I guess this is what psychologists would call cognitive dissonance.