Jennie's Journal with Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid

[jennielee]

I have pushed and pushed even through not feeling well, and i think i have most likely made things worse. I probably need to take this weekend off and try to get better. I hate to do it because i cant really afford to sit at home, but i guess i cant afford having my health get worse. My mom keeps telling me its from stress. Who knows. Anyway i feel at my wits end for business. I have tried everything i can think of and have expended tremendous energy and it doesn't look like im getting anywhere. I cant afford the daycare for my daughter and hold down a job, so it seems im fully committed to the business no matter what.

On a brighter side i am way more emotionally stable at the moment. My goals are clear and focused and my drive is definitely there. I feel like ive aged 20 years in the past 2 weeks lol. I feel more mature and i also feel myself picturing more practical and mature decisions. I am seeing smarter choices on a day to day basis. The only mistake ive probably been making is pushing too hard, but this is a nice change from never pushing at all. It wont be long before i find the balance.

[jennielee]

Day 26: as i sit here this morning a choice i really hate lingers over my head. If i cant get this business up and running by the end of the month i will be forced to send my daughter to my ex husband and get a regular job. I really need help with this, but i have no one to ask given ive been left on my own. This wasn't the promise made. The promise was to help me get on my feet, not give me a crash course and hope for the best. I hate having my hands tied, i hate not being able to ask for help and advice. Im missing too much information. Ive tried and tried to fill in the blanks. Ive worked myself to the point i am sick. In the end of this all i am not even sure that what happened wasn't just the result of some experiment. If it was id hope that there could be another chance. At this point im not sure i even want to open myself to being vulnerable again. Im tired of being hurt.

All i want is a little help so that i dont have to lose my daughter too.. i guess i am asking too much.

I apologize for the emotional rant this morning. I am sick and in pain physically. I am trying not to get scared. I am trying to work without hurting myself. I dont see how this way is the best way. Yes i did the growing i needed, but i need help too before i fall flat on my face. I got the lesson i needed. But i also know that being too proud to ask for advice is bad too.

So anyway i hope you still love me enough to help me one more time, to help me keep my daughter. You dont matter, but she does. Id rather be in trouble for seeking help than to sit by watching things lead down the path to losing her. If you still love me, and you read this please help me one last time. Please keep the promise you made.

Well anyway today i have to go out and try again for some sales. Sick or not i have to push myself. I have to do what it takes right...

And yes finally for a change my goals are where they need to be. Providing for my daughter is above all else. If i dont get help ill just push and push to make it until i cant anymore.

I am so sick of doing things the hard way. Why cant i simply ask for the wisdom that will make this road easier?

Once again i apologize for the emotional rant. I really just feel so physically sick i should be calling an ambulance instead of going out to sell today. I guess getting things off my chest will help me get up and try again today. I cant afford not to, and i cant afford to lay in bed all day either.

[jennielee]

So today there have been a few breakthroughs. First i finally have closure on my health. It was all stress related. Second i finally had the courage to ask for help instead of cowering in fear. I still dont have an answer as of yet, but i am hoping that it will go well. I have also finally figured out what i want both out of life, out of myself etc. There are a few loose ends that i need to tie up so i can close this chapter of my life and move on to the next. I know what they are, and am hoping i will not have to leave them loose. I am ready to move on and let go. At least this time im not jumping from the frying pan to another one so to speak. I am stronger now that i have been. I am not going to let fear hold me captive.

[Clansy]

Hi jennielee, I can relate to you about heart breaks and lost love, had to experience that myself not too long ago and its hard...

Today I stumbled on 2 video gems that I want to share. Its basically video about a guy who now makes 40k+$ and lives dream life of many people. In video he is telling his personal love story and how to use pain from relationships and channel it to motivation to reach more in life. It really is inspiring and it is now helping to push things in my life, hope it will help you too!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kz6FkEw0498
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UrIgG6kKKc

Peace, and all the best for you , keep going strong there, I think you have what it takes to succeed in business and personal life too! I know from experience that when you hit the bottom, the only way is up!

[jennielee]

Hi jennielee, I can relate to you about heart breaks and lost love, had to experience that myself not too long ago and its hard...

Today I stumbled on 2 video gems that I want to share. Its basically video about a guy who now makes 40k+$ and lives dream life of many people. In video he is telling his personal love story and how to use pain from relationships and channel it to motivation to reach more in life. It really is inspiring and it is now helping to push things in my life, hope it will help you too!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kz6FkEw0498
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UrIgG6kKKc

Peace, and all the best for you , keep going strong there, I think you have what it takes to succeed in business and personal life too! I know from experience that when you hit the bottom, the only way is up!

Wow amazing videos! Thank you so much for sharing. My why is my little girl. She deserves nothing less than the best. I can't give up on her

Ive discovered so much in this last relationship and heartbreak its absolutely mind boggling. Its been tough but at the same time its forced me into alot of positive changes. I am sure that the future will be bright. It has to be. I am learning and growing at such an astonishing rate these last 2 weeks. It all seems so simple looking back. I wonder why it wasn't apparent earlier.

[jennielee]

So anyway the latest news is that my mom went to ask for help on my behalf which i was contemplating doing myself, and somehow things have gotten so messed up that even if i ever did want to date him again i couldn't because of the rift it would cause between me and my family. I am no longer putting men over my family. I did it for two bad marriages and now i just wont do it again. So as much as i may love him there is zero chance of anything more than friends ever again. If i was smart it would have stayed friends in the first place, but i was vulnerable and stupid, afraid etc. But now i am above all that. I would like to see us friends again, but i dont see how being anything more will ever be possible again. I am hoping he will step up and at least answer me. I have some loose ends that need tying with him. I am ready for the next chapter which will for at least the duration of this sub include no serious relationships, and preferably none at all.

[jennielee]

Well i am aggravated and frustrated tonight. Tonight's thought: Even the mighty emperor makes the wrong choice sometimes. We all make mistakes. When people take action to fix them then forgiveness is more freely given. To be human means to be imperfect. If you hold everyone to perfect standards that do not allow for forgiveness you will soon stand alone, having judged all around you. If even God forgives shouldnt we also forgive?

Anyway there is my rant for the evening. I am just processing some pain and disappointment this evening. Thankfully i have moved away from self destructive behavior that i used to resort to in the past under these conditions.

[ffaux]

I hope you're noticing how much more emotionally mature your responses are now compared to just a few weeks ago.

[jennielee]

I hope you're noticing how much more emotionally mature your responses are now compared to just a few weeks ago.

Thanks. I am just really disappointed that he wouldn't answer me. All in all though i dont need him. I just wanted answers. I will live and move on because i have no choice. I will undo the mess he left me with because again i have no choice. The road might be harder than if he answered me but ill get there eventually.

Day 27: looks like my mom is going to try to bail me out of my mess financially until i get going. Tomorrow i should have my business cards finally so i hope that helps. I have so much to fix and redo i am really behind where i needed to be. At this point i almost have to start over completely. The guy who got me to this point obviously isnt going to help, so i have to struggle to do it myself.

I managed to put myself in the hospital twice due to stress, and yet he still cant answer a simple question for me. Well at least in the future i know what to not have in a guy lol.

[jennielee]

I have a few more thoughts now that i have some coffee in me lol. I came to the realization the other day that the choices he had made to walk away were the right choice when he had made them. Now two weeks later ive grown a ton and changed alot too. The choice that was the best then, doesn't seem the best now. Its just hard to make him see that im not asking him to change his mind. I am asking him to reconsider whats best given the changes. I wanted to fix the friendship that was broken because we both were careless and made the wrong choice. I wish he would communicate and at least tell me his point of view on what i asked from him. This sub has helped me grow so much, and change so much In just the last 2 weeks. 2 weeks ago i didnt see the possibility of anything other that romance. Now i can see that there are other options, and other things to consider. I wish he could have been my business partner but the odds of that now are slim and none most likely.

[jennielee]

I decided that today im going to go blow off some steam and take my bike out for a bit before i get confrontational. I am so mad and dissapointed in someone i thought i could trust. He has forgotten where he came from, and what its like to be at the botyom, to give your heart to someone just to have them break it. Everything goes in cycles. One day the people who are around him for the wrong reasons will become clear, and when he realizes what he lost, the one person who loved him when he had nothing and was nobody. Now he is somebody and seems to have forgotten that fact. Its ok. Money attracts alot of fake people into your life. The more you have the more people are there only for what you have to offer. Your true friends are the ones who were there for you even when you had nohing to offer or give but yourself. Some people need to learn the lesson the hard way. Sometimes that person is me, sometimes its not. I am sure that this was the lesson that i was supposed to teach, but he was so tied up in perfection he missed it. For the astrologers out there saturn is trine Jupiter which indicates a time of balance and order in life. This wasnt a time where i was due to learn about romance, but saturn hit him too. So after careful reflection i know that these events were part of his karmic lessons not mine. It just so happened that i was aided as a byproduct. It doesnt surprise me though, because this isnt the first time i was used for a karmic lesson in his life. For those interested i have attached what the saturn trine jupiter influence is all about as taken from astro.com

[jennielee]

The bike turned out to be way too tempting for getting myself in trouble so i ended up walking really far instead. I found a nice little park by the water and plan to unwind for a bit. i know that if i decided to confront him today that my message would be lost and all id end up doing is hurting both of us.

[jennielee]

Well 5 miles and change later i have blown off quite a bit of stress and anger. I am less confrontational at the moment. I dont understand what difference it makes in the long run if he answers me or not. But it just feels like it needs to be put out there, the questions need asking and i want his honesty in them. The sad part is that if he had tried to teach me and had more patience he could have had anything he wanted from me. I was willing to learn anything for him. Guess the powers that be felt that it wasn't in my best interest. So i guess im going to give him a couple days to think things over and then depending on how i feel i may or may not decide to pay him a visit. Tomorrow i have to pounce on the mailman so i can get my business cards lol!

[jennielee]

Day 28: well i was rudely awakened this morning by a wrong number at 3:30am.. definitely not my idea of fun. Anyway i feel myself disconnecting from the emotions i had yesterday. I still have the questions i doubt he will ever answer and the things i wanted to say to him. He still hasn't answered me. Today i am going to focus on planning out what i have to do. Looks like its probably going to cost me $150-200 to fix everything plus my bills for this month. I just cant believe how badly this was set up. Thankfully i have a good amount of intelligence and was able to realize it sooner rather than later.i think the only reason i didnt figure it own sooner was because i had trusted that everything was done righ because that was the way he set me up. I have way too much stock in samples and not enough in actual product plus i need to change my samples because they just aren't working for a number of reasons. I am still angry that after leaving me like this he couldn't at least offer me some tips to help me get moving faster. I estimate that i would need to make around 400 in sales for this month to be where i needed. Last month i made 20 and this month 7. Today i finally get my business cards which should help me promote better. Thankfully the weather has been favorable for being outside. Unfortunately the park hasnt yielded much in terms of results. I wish i could have collaborated with him. To get his help and also to show him some of the things i learned that would help him later on. Guess its all just wishful thinking. It won't be this bad for long. I work at it every day and hopefully the word of mouth will start to help things pick up. First on my to do list is redoing my demo products. Hopefully that will be soon too. Anyway im going to try to go back to sleep. My dreams were actually kinda interesting.