Spiral's BAMM Journal

[Spiral]

Yes, Shannon. And No, Ben. I have not increased my listening time. I believe stage 2 has been more intense than stage 1 for me and like Andrew said. It's kind of like starting a new job and getting the groove of certain things. I havn't been moody or down. I've been fairly certain my success is inevitable. I think there is just a general anxiety related to the time aspect of attaining my success. I've always been a wild/stressed child so there are must be a few things I have not quite dealt with and it has to do with success and women. Im still having difficulty giving up my desire for women. I'm switching over to becoming more of someone who lives each moment fully rather than half heartedly like I have my whole life and I believe that's where some underlying anxiety and stress still reside. I'm always thinking about something when I wake up in the night. the last couple of days I havnt been able to get back to sleep because I've just left for a business trip and I sometimes get this way on business trips. It's simple really to overcome this stuff. But my mind still thinks things have to be complex. I still think they have to be more complex than they do simple. I prefer clean and simple. That's not how deep change works though. I definitly don't think it's the subliminal but my lack of sleep has been going on for awhile now and it's because of the heavy change I've endured the last few years and my brain is constantly changing even when I'm off subliminals since I've exposed my brain so much. It's something I can definitly fix but I don't know how soon I can fix it. The last few days before leaving I felt certain I'd get a good nights sleep. The longest I've slept without waking in the last year is 7 hours and that's a big step. My goal is to make that as consistent as possible before I start moving forward. I don't care but I do care. If I care to much to fix this issue it gets worse. So I'm going to lay off... lay off the heavy conscious change and take the next few months one day at a time and not get too overwhelmed with too many things. Focusing on doing what needs to get done that moment is all that will matter.

[Shannon]

Are you saying you're going to stop using BAMM?

[LionMonkey]

Keep going man! Work hard! Play hard!

[Spiral]

No, Shannon. I have to keep going.

And thanks LionMonkey. You are absolutely spot on.

[IronSmooth]

my motivational speech was a failure lol

[Sean]

No, Shannon. I have to keep going.

And thanks LionMonkey. You are absolutely spot on.

That's the spirit, Spiral!

[Spiral]

So I havnt done any work except for the stuff for my company while on the road and I think it's given me some time to breath. I've also taken a break from fish oils and choline and I've slept the best I've ever slept the last couple of nights in the past 5 months.

So I'm around alot of hunters on this trip (like always) and as you can imagine some of these guys are very crazy and love giving each other a "hard time". I initially didn't care for the vibe from some of the hunters since it's not something I resonate with. I wasn't as smiley since I was so stressed from not sleeping and getting pissed about not sleeping so that clouded my mind with some negativity therefore I wasn't very smiley with others. I had no problem talking and asking questions but when they would "give me a hard time" I did not play along. Usually I will but I only like giving myself a hard time. I don't appreciate it when others give me a hard time as a way to build a relationship. Not my thing and I've talked about it before. I almost felt bad about this but I let it go and just let the hunters do what they wanted. It did go too far one time and I had to set one of them straight very politely. Other than that they were very welcoming and the most fun people I've ever been around so I'll give that to them

I was also complimented by one of the older gentlemen and he said "You are very professional".

I've decided to get a girl friend. I don't need one.. but it gets real lonely and I have a need to prove to myself that I am not longer a pussy. The OFSG in this program is bringing up alot of stuff such as fear of success and fear of being hurt emotionally. But I know I need to get on with my life. I need to squeeze all the juice out of every moment I possibly can. It's about the experience not only for myself but for others. This has slipped my mind but I'm reminded by a coworker. It really is about creating a good experience for not only yourself but others and that's what I must start living.

I'm usually pretty good about all this and grow alot when I'm not bothered by sinuses. When I can breathe clearly everything is perfect. So.. when this trip first started I had horrible allergies and I couldn't sleep. I was just in a pickle. But I had a great time because our new show host is awesome! She's super silly and high on life and I've decided that's someone who I want to be with. She's married to someone I work with but at least I know she has a very good personality and she's someone who I would date for sure. I can now look for a similar personality in other women as I encounter them.

I've also been in a flow state mostly when I don't have self doubting thoughts which have started to happen quite frequently with BAMM. This flow state allows me to stay focused with drive and purpose and it's very magnetic for women. I think some things through of course so I don't seem add but the goal here is to run like water. occasionally there's a choppy wave but that's ok. I will smooth out over time.

[RainbowAbyss]

Seems like some big internal changes..it sounds like your walking to the cliff edge of your life and just really ready to jump in a way you weren't before...I love meeting woman who I would want to be with...even if they are taken..because just to know someone I am so compatible with is great. I love the idea of this flow state...is it just turning your 'normal' life into more of a flow state...or is the daily routine changing alot?

[Spiral]

I have to constantly maintain an awareness of it... It is not natural but I know what it feels like. I will be presented with thoughts from outside my conscious awareness but I recognize it and consciously can decide to act on those thoughts immediately or not. With some, I will first assess the situation and see if its the right moment or if I should take action or not. These thoughts come to me in forms of jokes or questions when I talk with others or they come in the form of an idea or task. I see these thoughts and its no surprise most of them bring up fear.

And in my last post... When I was talking about other people giving me a hard time... I have contradicted myself. I love bantering and giving others a hard time. I just laugh and cheez while I do it and make sure they know I'm joking without saying I'm joking. But I feel most comfortable with self deprecating humor since its much funnier for everyone and its taught me a lot of great things.

I do seem a little nervous but I no longer gkqet butterflies. I jus realized I've been mostly soft spoken in smaller spaces but have no trouble raising the volume of my voice for a number of reasons ( not for gaining respect or bragging but for beingheard and understood properly )

And rainbow ...not sure I answered u properly. My daily routine isnt changeing.. I'm just naturally gravitating towards pleasant things.

[Shannon]

Wouldn't that be a change?

[Spiral]

I feel like I'm struggling creatively. I'm a perfectionist and I don't appreciate the trial and error parts of design very much and losing patience with myself. Maybe it's the coffee.

However I sat down and made something pretty cool in about 5 minutes as a little experiment to get some ideas of how I want to add some edge to this new commercial I am making for the company I work for. It's frustrating though no doubt. Life's frustrations are making a head and I'm not enjoying dealing with them. To be great I must do the work necessary. I must take in all the knowledge and use it! I will fail and fail again. my mind will hurt and my heart will ache and alot of me still isn't ready to endure but I'm doing what I can. I know I have some small goals in mind and I must achieve them soon. I'm thinking of moving on from my current job. I have no back up plan now so the worst that could happen is I would end up on the streets. Can't really have that so I'm stuck in a bind again. Managing my stress and sanity is rough during this time of incredible change. But... I must dream big for those who can't. I must be the inspiration for myself and others and create a legacy full of love compassion and greatness.

I think what is happening is BAMM is telling me to let go of the past and my attachment to the future. No time exists. I know of the idea but I am not experiencing it all the time. This is going to be interesting........

[Spiral]

Been feeling very confused with some doubts.. not wanting to do work.. feeling like procrastinating but I know I cannot and I haven't been.

My feeling of self hasn't been so clear though my whole life.. I feel very free Thanks OFSG.. and thanks Shannon.

Now if I can just enjoy this process a little more It will be easier to make some more significant progress on this journey. At this point I am way behind schedule.

Part of me is like.. it's ok.. but I know this could have been prevented.

[Shannon]

Agonizing over what could have and should have been only distracts from what is, and what can be.

[Spiral]

I'm still on stage 2 but I've had an OE type thing happen to me...

It is required of me to complete a music video that will be on CMT and some other major country music network. Everyone else is swamped and I didn't really ask questions after I heard that it's going on the major networks ...so yay. The exposure will be nice.

As you can tell I'm not incredibly excited about this but never the less... pretty badass