Obliteration (OGSF v2)

[Benjamin]

Dude, what axe incident???

Sorry I did see this but then forgot to reply. Ok..

So when I was doing security I was seeing this girl. I went to her house after work one night, and she told me her ex husband (or maybe still married but seperated) was at her window drunk being an idiot. I didn't think much of it.

Went to her place, and had sex. Then heard a sound in the house, she got up to have a look and I got up too. I went back into the room and there was this dude with a fucking axe and the look of death in his eyes.

Luckily I had a fair bit of training and also real life experience from security, I managed to pin it so he couldn't swing it and we went up the hallway, I was fully laying into him with all I had but he wouldn't go down, he was throwing me into walls and stuff. We stopped around the bathroom door and I tried to eye gouge him but something held me back psychologically, then we went into the bathroom and he threw me and I ended up in the bath standing up, not much balance there, I just held on and bit him on the head and he was going "you dirty cunt, you bit me" like that's unfair when he's using an axe.

Then another guy in the house come and grabbed him, he let go of the axe and left and the cops were there out the front and he just gave himself up.

Also the whole time I was just in my undies, lucky I had them on.  

The cops told me his face was very messed up because I beat on him so much, but he just didn't go down. I can't stress the intensity of this situation, craziest thing i've ever experienced, and I don't even want to try to think to bring up the intensity.

It really messed me up, I put on a ton of weight, started isolating myself and barely going anywhere. It took years and ALOT of work, all kinds of methods, coaching and such to get over it, atleast to a point. I still can barely sleep if there's someone else in my bed, like i'm in fight and flight. And on and off I isolate myself though i'm alot better and generally like socializing now.

So I had that which really made me isolate, then I was getting to a point I was really thinking I could come out more again and then dealing with a chronic illness that I won't go into detail, but part of it was chronic fatigue, plus doing something stupid that I think triggered alot of trauma from the original incident floored me. It's taken 5-6 years to get back to the point I am now in my fitness and building myself back up. But still some element of trauma maybe from the original incident, but also from the intense physical symptoms I had with the chronic illness.

It was almost like some part of me, trauma and such was like "oh yeah you're trying to go out into the world more again.. here's something else".

The whole thing may sound made up.. I really wish it was!

[4Kingdoms]

https://subliminal-talk.com/Thread-Oblit...#pid261725

Thank you for sharing this traumatic experience in your journal.

---

Most people would have decided to keep this private...

[Benjamin]

All good, I have mentioned it in the past a few years ago. But that does show a shift on V2 that didn't happen on other programs. I've not wanted to really post much for a long time, and with V2 something must have shifted because i've been more open with posting again. I didn't even notice until I thought about it after posting a few times in one day.

[Benjamin]

Haven't felt like saying much, but i'll post this to see if there's any thoughts from Shannon.

The first thing i've been noticing in V2 is an element of "I don't know who I am anymore". And this has been popping up a few times, especially last night. Like I did know who I was quite clearly, but now there's confusion around that, which is the best I can explain it.

2 nights ago I had a dream, I can't remember the start but it started in one way then went totally different. The part that I remember was I was outside in front of a fence and this guy come running over telling me he's going to kill me, he had a knife in his hand and I grabbed his arm and stopped it, but then I noticed he also had a knife in his other hand and he stabbed me in the stomach. At that point I just had this feeling that I gave up and didn't even try to fight back, then the dream ended.

I woke up with alot of intensity/fear/anxiety in my body and just let it be there.

I had a thought that the dream represented killing off the old version of myself and the feeling of "I don't know who I am" increased.

Last night after toastmasters, possibly also because one of the speeches got me thinking.. I was laying in bed thinking "what do I want". And it's still alot of the same things. One thing that is slightly different is with my body, I mainly want to feel good in my body, be functional, good posture as a priority over looks. I realized I got back into the pattern of just wanting to do it for looks/physique a few months ago, during UH I got to the point I was just focusing on feeling good in my body and being functional. (I expanded on that, but won't go too much into it as it distracts from the points that i'm trying to get more clarification on).

The other thing is that I do a thing called 'power postures' in the morning, similar to Qigong. And since that dream i've especially felt like stopping that practice. Not in a "I can't be bothered way" but like i'm being guided away from it, and to something else.

What i'm being guided to is some exercises focused on building vitality and energy recommended to me by someone here, I guess comparable to Qigong or other practices. They sound awesome, but I have kept putting it off, due to fear of what might happen. Well i'm now getting the urge to do them.. and my thoughts are it's likely 2 reasons.

1. Something shifted around the fear and I finally feel I can do them.

2. More importantly, one of the big things holding me back is lack of energy. I've also wondered if part of that low energy is due to long term deep fears which eventually ended up in the chronic fatigue stuff, then other things were stacked on top of that eventually causing it.

So it's like I can use my low energy as an excuse. I wanted to goto a seminar 4 hours away this weekend, but my energy has been low the last few weeks which gave me a reason not to go. So I wonder is OGSF leading me to these exercises to build my energy, then I can actually better act on having less fear?

The main confusion is that so many things i've done where it makes no sense why it should conflict seems to conflict, so i'm afraid these exercises might do so. As they seem to use visualization, moving energy around in your body and such.

But this urge to suddenly use them that I can only attribute to OGSF guiding me towards it is strong. I felt it was trying to guide me away from the current exercises I was doing a few other times, but since the dream I mentioned that urge got alot stronger, enough that this time i'm listening to it.

[Shannon]

If you have formed a sense of identity around something that is based in guilt, shame and/or fear, then when that gets dissolved by the program, you will necessarily have to figure out what identity you want to have now that you are free from the old limiting one.

I suggest choosing an awesome one. Like, be Chester Cheetah.

Remember that you and you alone choose who you are and how you form your own identity. Even if that comes from being lazy or unconscious about it because you let someone else think for you in the beginning. Not necessarily saying that's what you did, but a lot of people do that by default. You always have and always will have complete control of what and who you are. You can change it at any time to be and become whatever and whomever you prefer. That kind of power can be scary, but it is also very freeing once you take it and do something with it.

You are becoming someone who is no longer limited by and defined by guilt, shame and/or fear. Congratulations!

[Benjamin]

Sadly I can't say i'm to that point, but that makes sense why things are weird at the moment.

After I wrote that, in the following days. I had the urge to do 'social pressure' exercises again, I feel it was inspired by OGSF. I went to the supermarket and did 'box on condoms in a basket' where you put a box of condoms in a basket and walk around, I was going and standing next to women and letting myself feel what was coming up.

After doing so I was sitting in my car and I was thinking "that didn't seem to bring much up for me" and I realized that I seemed to barely have any anxiety, like it wasn't in the background like usual.

But as soon as I realized that then it come back strongly.

That was the weekend, this week i've been feeling absolutely destroyed. Very depressed and completely exhausted.

2 days ago I had this big urge to look at porn, due to the usual frustration around girls. I put OGSF on for 20 minutes and felt relaxation, then a bit later it got stronger, another 20 minutes and it passed and I managed not to go into the spiral of a porn binge. Yesterday similar urges, listened twice again, 20 minutes each time. For some reason that feels like the right amount of time and what the urge is telling me, and I was more relaxed after, still felt really exhausted and down but less of that urge.

Today again the same urges, I was getting frustrated then I thought "ok, one day at a time, instead of thinking I have to not look at porn forever, lets just do not looking at it today for now".

UH, OGSF v1 i'd play when I had the urge to look at porn and I noticed it seemed to mostly make it stronger and i'd usually still do it, but OGSF v2 helps reduce it to a manageable level.

Also the exhaustion is so high that yesterday I just couldn't bring myself to do my normal workout, I did some stretching and gentle movement type stuff. Today more exhaustion, I did some gentle stuff that I do most days, but way slower than usual.

Been watching Afterlife (Ricky Gervais) and it's really hitting upon how i'm feeling right now.

I've been wondering why the exhaustion, the strong depression I could see as being stirred up by OGSF, similar to what i've felt on past programs but stronger. I realized the exhaustion is related to this program, because earlier in the day I did 20 minutes of ocean surf and felt worse, more exhausted. Then a bit later did 20 minutes of ultrasonic, and almost as soon as I put it on my energy improved.

I barely have any energy to get annoyed at things, pissed off at things like I can't even summon up the energy to have those emotions. On other programs by now i'd have had previews of confidence, feeling stronger in myself or whatever.. but so far on this tons of deep intensity and depression.

[Shannon]

So firstly, you seem to be expecting the fear and anxiety so much you're going looking for them, and when they're not there you do that and it's bringing them back. Un-doing what the program is doing.

This suggests to me that you've begun accepting the symptoms as part of your identity, and are potentially looking to keep them for that reason.

Secondly, the more exhaustion you feel, generally speaking, the more that part of you is fighting the instructions. You have to use it at that level to get past it. 20 minutes here and there isn't going to do it.

Also, switching formats shouldn't be done frequently. You should stick with one format until you're getting good results from it, and only then consider changing it (or not, since you're getting good results). Mucking around too much doesn't give you enough push in any one direction or level to really be useful.

What formats have you tried? Masked and Ultrasonic?

[Benjamin]

Well the identity thing makes sense. I know at times in the past i've confronted the fear, especially stuff around talking to girls that i've felt better for a bit then it's come back stronger.

I feel i've been guided to do these social pressure exercises, almost like "this is something that helped in the past".

The 20 minute loops are on top of my normal listening. 1 hour at night, and the 20 minute ones when i've had the urge and it seems to have been getting me through it. Where I would have looked at porn any of the last 3 days usually it got me through those urges.

Ok i'll stick with ultrasonic. I only did the ocean surf with a couple of the 20 minute listenings as I had the urge for something gentler in the moment, but as I realized it didn't seem to do as much as ultrasonic which relaxed me straight away. I use ultrasonic for my night listening.


Also the 20 minute listenings really seemed like an urge from autoconfig, and there was a strong feeling that "anything more than that now is too much".

I feel much more relaxed today.

Also what's interesting is there seems to be a stripping away of the non-essential, I guess part of my morning routine is due to fear. Red light therapy and other things, because I fear that if I don't keep doing these things I won't be able to function due to low energy, but I seen a journal and it's nearly been 2 years of red light therapy and it's not like i'm feeling amazing from it, though I might realize what it's doing after stopping for a while. At one point my morning routine was getting even bigger, like I feel I have to spend hours doing all this shit or I won't function properly, which definately comes from fear, but also some evidence of it and how much I had to do just to function when I was really fatigued a few years ago.

I had the thought of instead of doing all these little things, that there are more important core things that I need to do instead.. i'm not sure what those are yet.

My daily practice of Qigong type stuff, the new practices for energy and vitality are staying and I still have the urge for them. Part of that benefit might be grounding in my barefeet on the grass and having my shirt off in the sun. I'm only on the preperation exercises so haven't got to building the energy yet.

[Shannon]

If you think the extra is autoconfig, go for it.

[Benjamin]

Had some strange things happening, I don't really know how to attribute it to OGSF but somehow I feel it is. One of them i'm pretty sure I can identify the value of it.

My ps4 won't turn on, and I use it for videos like workouts, martial arts training as it's a better media player than most other things.

Last week I decided to deactivate facebook, and delete telegram.. then the next day my phone screen died and wouldn't turn on anymore. I was annoyed but I started to notice after a few days I was more clear headed, I wanted to go out into the world more and it was like instead of wasting time on social media bullshit that was more 'energy' to go and do other things instead of dampen down whatever feelings were coming up with time wasting bullshit, and instead going and doing stuff.

Interestingly I even had no desire to play games. I think my phone dying was giving me a preview of how I am without all of that stuff which has bogged me down for years. I got a new one today and got a sore head and eyes being on it to set it up and felt shit.

Though that's not the only reason. For a whole week every day I was getting all these desires to look at porn, I kept listening to OGSF and the desire would get manageable. I also noticed that the usual being triggered with intensity by frustration and fear around girls was less intense and could be dealt with better. That's usually the thing that sends me to porn.

I think I know what triggered it, I went out for a day with some friends and after the first activity 3 of us ended up at a live music venue. I was pretty much fucking frozen and quiet, not even talking much to my friends, and seeing all these girls, including a big group on a hen's party i'm assuming just felt dehabilitated.

Then the next day went to a small gathering and was very comfortable and felt good. Usually i'll do 1 thing on the weekend and not 2 days in a row but the urge was coming up more without all the things numbing me out that I mentioned.

Later that day the urge come back strongly to look at porn, listening to OGSF didn't help and I went on a binge. Felt not too bad for 2 days but today felt fairly shit, not able to focus, even reactivated facebook to look at random shit, and played games a little.. it's like the dopamine hit sent me back to all of those things. Been hard to focus or think most of today.

It was almost like a preview of what a dopamine detox does. Interestingly the thought of doing the social pressure exercises started to actually become exciting, going places and seeing people seemed more interesting.. now today I struggled to briefly do one exercise and just felt like "I can't be bothered".

So obviously fear is at the core of this not fully engaging, but this also showed me that these little dopamine hit addictions are the way of stuffing that down and making me just feel like "I can't be bothered" because in that nearly week or so I felt much more like going and doing stuff and more clear headed.

Plus the social media stuff is very fear based, triggers drama type emotions that get you addicted to it and wanting to argue uselessly and I definately have realized how much it attributes to fear.

So I had a little preview of things opening up more then crashed it with fucking porn.. again.

[Benjamin]

One weird thing that stood out today. I was thinking of a girl I was with like 10+ years ago back when I did security, i've had no interest in her anymore but was thinking about her maybe in the last few days, I can't even remember the context. I seen her in a supermarket today and had all these strong feelings of wanting to be with her again, wanting to have sex with her etc. I stopped the thoughts logically as I know it's not a good idea for reasons I won't go into.

Then it hit me hard thinking about how I was back then, back then was when I was overweight, but I was fairly confident, alpha, generally had someone I was sleeping with.. and the last 5-6 years lost alot of that due to chronic illness and other bs, even feel like I lost more of that masculine essence and confidence in the last 6 months or so.

Especially since starting OGSF i'm feeling fairly invisible, very invisible to girls especially, like more than I ever remember being.. but also starting to wonder if they are intimidated as i've also got into better shape in the last few months and possibly something in my aura of having less guilt, shame and fear. I'm noticing like no smiles and eye contact, but do notice things like they will look down submissively when I look at them, or see me and briefly play with their hair and look down but no eye contact. Yesterday sitting eating a mandarine one girl walked past and when she got close to me head right down submissively, didn't even seem to look at me and when she got past her head back up like normal.

Though generally on V1 and V2 I noticed girls serving me are more polite. One girl in the chemist stands out too, I was looking at protein bars and made a quick comment whether she was taste testing them and she kept trying to keep the conversation going, asking questions which ones I like and such. It stood out to me as not just "I work here so i'm friendly". Then yesterday I went in, this is like 2-3 weeks later and she come into the aisle "Hello again" and talked to her briefly, so must have made an impression. As i've briefly talked to staff members before and then seen them and not even acknowledged. But I was low yesterday from the porn binge, and have too many doubts coming up to go for her number, i'd like to talk to her more though. In these situations I always logically notice that certain behaviours likely mean she's attracted.. but on the feeling level much stronger is "nah, she's not interested, there's no point going for it" and not being able to actually accept that she could be attracted. How the fuck have I gone from someone who slept with over 50 women, who at one point always had a next one lined up.. to being completely unable to do barely anything, too scared to talk to them half the time, and especially go for it.

Another interesting one on the same subject.

Teaching a martial arts class, only had 2 students and my friend who helps me demo. Suddenly had 4 new people, one was a woman I know and her niece who is here from germany. She's 20 and was cute and feminine.

Well I noticed while I was teaching she was playing with her hair alot, like mainly when I was addressing the whole group. Then also conflicting signals like arms crossed but playing with hair. She seemed fairly open to talking at the end, I mentioned what I did on the weekend and that I want to go ten pin bowling and thought of inviting her somewhere. But insecurities that she's like half my age, and fear of issues with the auntie getting upset, plus fear that I don't want to come across as that guy using martial arts teaching to pickup girls, which isn't my intent with the training at all but then these situations can come up and I don't know what I should do (this is the first time it has so far).

Why 5-6 months later do I keep going back to thinking about my ex? Yes I really liked her, got along very well, had alot of fun and great sex.. but in the end it's that I feel I have no other options, if I had several options of attractive girls I wouldn't give a fuck, same with another girl that constantly for a few years keeps popping back into my head and I obsess about her. I guess she was the first one who I did anything with after dealing with chronic illness so being physically unable to be with anyone for a few years.. so in my head it's almost like "oh yeah, well I know she is attracted to me" and keep hoping to randomly run into her.

Though I did run into her, maybe on OGSF v1.. and suddenly I had this strong vibe of "she's not trustworthy".. like she might have been before like 2 years ago but stuff has happened to her that she may not be now. Then that feeling passed and still keep thinking "I wish I could run into her".

Shannon's posts to MrGnome got me thinking.. LTU, OF, UH, OGSF none of them really got me past the fear of talking to girls.. well in the social group and gatherings yes I guess so.. but not just random girls.. whereas back in the day AM6 did. I almost feel like the more 'healing' i've done over the years the more invisible I am to girls and the more unable I am to even do anything with them.

Definately must be alot coming up at the moment, since I haven't typed this much in my journal so far. I could write more but i'll goto bed. But then not sleeping much recently either so that doesn't seem too interesting to me either.

[Benjamin]

Last night was my first night back on after the off period. I woke up feeling strange which I think has happened a few times on V2. Strange like "I don't know what's going on, but something is happening". I can't explain past that.

Went down the street as I felt like getting out of the house. Almost feeling a numbness around girls, like whatever fear is there I can't really feel it consciously, but it just pushes me away. I had one strange thing happen in a big store, there was a couple of cute girls together.. I was looking at shirts, and one come around the corner of the rack right next to me and put a scream mask on, I kind of laughed and thought it was unusual. She didn't stay there for very long and went back to her friends.. I don't know if i'm imagining this part or not but I swear she said something like "he ignored me" and after that i'm like "fucking hell, I have shit like this happen and can't even bring myself to talk to her".

Seen a woman I know and her daughter I met at her birthday, and this again makes me think i'm intimidating to girls. I seen her in the street a few times and she kind of just looked at me weirdly and said nothing. But also it's likely my own comfort since fear in that first situation blocks me, and today I felt comfortable and talked to her and she talked to me quite a bit.

Actually last night in bed or early this morning when I got up, I can't remember.. I had this thought of "maybe I can talk to girls now" but heavy sabotage kept trying to come up against it. And today I noticed I had more doubtful and insecure thoughts and imagining negative potential scenerios of talking to girls.. but maybe these were at the subconscious level and are coming to my conscious awareness, that makes alot of sense.

Also some confusion, not sure if this is resistance to OGSF. Reading MrGnome's posts reminds me alot of myself and issues i've had and have. I've kept gravitating to healing type programs because AM6 was rough and I felt fear and other baggage held me back. And in the time since using it i've had quite alot of trauma and baggage added to that. But it's like i'm using these healing type programs, feeling a bit better at times, making some gradual progress maybe, glimpses of opening up, then somehow sabotaging a whole lot of the progress made.. and this time after UH was the worst that's happened in a while and I feel I singlehandedly destroyed alot of my Masculinity programming from AM6, LTU, UH and such without meaning to using another process... but this is a PATTERN that keeps coming up and can't be a coincidence, especially like I made alot of progress on UH more than in ages and then it come up even stronger than last time to sabotage that, and almost like a punishment for making more progress it decided to destroy even more this time. Sounds crazy I know, and i'm not saying this with intense emotions, but that's what comes up around what's happening.

But am I just using all this healing as an excuse to not move forward? Before I stopped UH I had this strong feeling of "Ok it's time to move forward in life now" then I played around with other things for a few months trying to do that as I didn't really have a subliminal specific to where I wanted to go and didn't make alot of progress, then to OGSF v1 and now V2. There's been a few times i've written down my goals in detail, and even a few months ago why I want those goals.. but again haven't made much progress towards any of them like for a long time.

It's like "oh yeah i'm still healing cos i'm so messed up" and not really making steps forward, almost like side steps.

So my conflicting thoughts are... (I keep wondering if it's resistance or not, because there are very logical points in these thoughts).

-Use Money Magnet, as really the biggest step I need to make is being held back by lack of money. But also that step has been prevented by a huge amount of fear and shutting down. But also the chronic fatigue and still not fully having the energy levels to be able to really do the things I need to do.

-Or from Shannon's replied to MrGnome which are getting me to formulate my own goal with the formula given.. go back to AM6. This feels like a step back for me and like "Fuck I did that years ago, I even did it for a year" and the thought of it doesn't enthuse me much. On the other hand using ASC 6g and then AM7 when they come out, i'm very enthused for that knowing how big a step forward they will be.

-Obviously the other choice is continue OGSF v2 which i'm doing for now.

UH was more obvious than OGSF v1 and v2, if there was a UH v2 i'd get right on it.. though I don't think it was popular enough that it would happen. Especially since I do still need physical healing, but the thought of stopping everything to use OPH doesn't enthuse me either cos I feel like i'm wasting more time and not moving forward.

To be fair I can't totally say v2 is doing nothing.. still haven't been on social media much other than when I reactivated it in the last post, and briefly today but that was for a reason to look up some fitness stuff and not random bullshit, and not much urge to play games which has been a very long term thing to just do to waste time.

But as usual, feel shifts coming in like when I wake up at night, then this big sabotage thing trying to destroy it or making some of it go away. It's less obvious than before, partly due to something I did on it before starting v2 and maybe partly v2 itself.

And again without even realizing, i've not posted this much in a journal in years either.

[Benjamin]

I wanted to goto a halloween thing today, but by the time I finished my morning routine it was too late as you had to be there at a specific time.

So I went to a drive to another town which was the other thing I had in mind if I didn't goto it. I had the idea of listening to OGSF on headphones while walking around where there's alot of girls. I did ocean surf because of headphones, but if it's like when ocean surf didn't lessen the urge for porn and ultrasonic did then maybe I need something else, possibly hybrid so I can hear it still and know what the volume is.

Did 20 minutes, can't say I have much to report about that. Then I wanted to do a social pressure mission, get cheap horrible clothes and just walk around, as that in itself brings discomfort and just let myself feel it. I looked around and didn't really find any clothes horrible enough so I decided not to do it, but now i'm thinking that was possibly also fear just stopping me.

There was a few girls in there, one really stood out and I went over near her but did nothing, and was annoyed. I realize this obsession around girls is coming back again, it's like it's my deepest issue and my deepest fears are connected to it (abandonment/rejection/adoption) but nothing seems to be helping it, it was similar a few years ago but I could push through it, now I just can't seem to.

I went back to the shopping centre and walked around a bit, eventually listened another 20 minutes. Not much else to report, more of the same bullshit and feeling completely invisible. But I can't seem to get to the point of extreme frustration and anger where I just crash through the fear, generally I either goto porn when the frustration stats coming up, or this sabotage that fights against shifts seems to stop that building up enough for me to say "fuck it i've had enough".

I tried a few different things, a Hamza video I watched last night said "take a deep breath and command your legs to move towards them" and another video about "breathing into your balls" I did alot of both, but I notice I struggle to breathe into my balls like there's a disconnection there. I know you can't literally breathe into them, but it's a symbolic thing and shows some kind of physical blockage. Neither of those did much other than make me a little more present.

Then something I started doing on OGSF v1 that did actually help come to mind. Basically I see the girl, imagine saying something to her, feel what that brings up in my body and where it is, then jump into the middle of that feeling. I did that a few times and it relaxes those feelings and subtly shifts it, seems to be the only thing that did something. Didn't get me to the point of talking to anyone but it's something I have to keep in mind as seems to be the only process that helps.

By the time I decided to drive home I was pretty low and the strong feeling was "fuck this, fuck OGSF, there's no point, I can't be fucked anymore, i'm going to either do DMSI or X4a as i'm never going to get any fucking girls interested in me and that's the main thing I need right now".

I guess a strong resistance, I had almost decided this course of action. By the time I got to my town I went to the park and did some light movement which I do most days, and it helps relax me, I felt alot better. Also on the drive I had decided to goto dinner at a place where I went last time the waitress stopped for ages to talk to me and was obviously interested, but I wussed out due to fear. Well I had decided to goto dinner, talk to her more and ask her out.

I almost just went home and used fear as an excuse. But I went there, and unfortunately she wasn't working. But I did feel a shift in my mood just due to the fact that I confronted that and actually went to the place.

So really the same old fucking pattern that I was stuck in like 6 or so years ago because I got the chronic illness and fatigue badly, I was going to these other towns, and doing nothing with girls most of the time due to fear, then getting annoyed at myself and the cycle would continue, now i'm back stuck in the same pattern but worse this time.

At one point today I did make a distinction with my thought patterns. I was starting to get pissed off at the girls, like it was their fault. Then I realized and said "no, this fear is my fault, it's my creation even if it did come from outside experiences, I still created it, and I can take responsibility for it and deal with it". Not that it helped, but it's good that I identified that.

Still feel close to forcefully stopping my usage of OGSF v2 or dialling it up to a huge amount of loops to smash myself over the head because i'm sick of this bullshit.. those are the things I want to do most right now.

The thing that seems to be missing is a masculine energy and a connection to that, as times when I have connected with that and programs that have connected with that have allowed me to talk to girls. Earlier in this journal I went to a psychic market thing and talked to some girls, but it's likely that was from something else I was using since before starting OGSF v2 around masculinity, which the effects of that program have faded now.

Even the confidence and attention and increased respect from that program were more obvious. OGSF is almost 'invisibility mode' which is strange.

In saying that still getting regular trauma coming up and out of my body when I goto bed as a sign something is happening, but other than that half the time I don't know.

[Benjamin]

That explains the state I was in last night.

Went to bed and had a whole lot of physical stuff come up, this may sound crazy normally, but in the context of somatic trauma work it's normal. Like a few times on V1 it was intense enough that I had the strong urge to get up and shadow fight intensely, then pace up and down (fight and flight type energy) and then laid back down and was growling alot, all of this is about letting what wants to come up come up. Then I started having "fuck you fuck you fuck you" coming up, and after a few times reflexively imagined bullies from school and me beating the shit out of them. Interesting.

Also this obviously isn't something usually recommended, but in the past i've had thoughts to do alot of loops coming from frustration, but then the urge tells me "no that's too much". Well last night it was a strong urge, definately autoconfig guiding me. I did 8 loops which is tons considering the starting amount is 40 minutes.

And today I feel good, like i'm back to normal, refreshed and relaxed. It was almost like I needed all of that to deal with the intensity that was coming up.

And still having some desire to use the new X4a, but now it's manageable and i'm able to more easily choose to keep using OGSF.