whome: OF3

[whome]

Day 23

Three loops today. Two down, in the middle of the third.

Woke exceptionally exhausted this morning. Getting less and less sure about the lavender pills.

[whome]

Day 24

Day 2 on. Two loops down, one to go.

Woke super exhausted this morning, much worse than yesterday which was bad. So definitely staying at two-on-two-off with three loops for a while.

I haven’t gotten any sense that anything is changing or unwinding inside. Am I supposed to somehow sense that’s happening?

[ncbeareatingman]

Day 24

Day 2 on. Two loops down, one to go.

Woke super exhausted this morning, much worse than yesterday which was bad. So definitely staying at two-on-two-off with three loops for a while.

I haven’t gotten any sense that anything is changing or unwinding inside. Am I supposed to somehow sense that’s happening?

 Yeah,Man,the super exhaustion is a clear sign that ' the games afoot' !! Keep going it will show you, & it will 'show up"

[whome]

Yeah,Man,the super exhaustion is a clear sign that ' the games afoot' !! Keep going it will show you, & it will 'show up"

I appreciate your enthusiasm, thank you. But with subs in the past, I’ve been hit with exhaustion before, but then nothing else happens, and then I ended up giving up with no change.

So I can’t say that I trust that exhaustion alone is a sign that things are working. I’m hoping that there will be some other sign that something is moving.

[whome]

Day 25

Woke exhausted. This is a day off, so waiting for something to happen.

[whome]

Day 26

Day 2 off.

Still waking tired. Still waiting for something to happen. No notable dreams or emotions or anything.

[whome]

Day 26 continued

The pain is hitting pretty hard today. I don’t know if it’s the weather cycle, the sub cycle, the fact that I forgot to take the lavender pill last night, or just my emotions shifting for no reason.

I’ve been quite aware of my exhaustion of pushing to make things happen. There’s a thing that I’m doing with three other people, and everyone says that they want it to happen, but I’m the only one pushing to find a time that works for everyone. Yesterday I found some energy to push for some answers for some apartment work that I need to do, but it’s exhausting constantly pushing hard.

I mentioned this to my healer yesterday and he asked what the opposite of pushing would feel like. There’s one kind of opposite, mentioned by the folks who talk about manifesting, where you’re supposed to be able to switch from manifesting by pushing with your mind to manifesting by contacting your inner voice and flowing with the universe. That’s not happening with me. For me, if I don’t push, I don’t get up in the morning. Literally every morning, I have to push hard to get myself out of bed, and after I brush my teeth, push myself to take a shower, and keep pushing. I feel lucky if I have enough energy to push myself any further after I get to work. The pain in my chest feels like an overwhelming headwind. I have to push and push and push to get the simplest things done.

I’m also thinking about this because I have a date scheduled for Saturday. A girl who matched with me on an app. That’s rare. App dating has that same pushing exhaustion. I have to push through sending hundreds of likes with messages to get one match, then push with matches to get a conversation going, then push to get a meetup, then push to remind them to show up, only to have every in-person meeting end with a sense that they’re not feeling a vibe. It’s exhausting, but it feels like I don’t have a choice here. That’s why DMSI pulled me into the sub world, since the idea that it might cause women to take initiative so that I wouldn’t have to be constantly pushing was so appealing.

I’m still here after DMSI failed to have an effect on me, but the conflict inside of me still rages, the conflict between the hope that someday the pain will be gone and that the universe will meet me halfway with people and women who express that they want me around, and friends who reach out and make an effort, and family who calls me rather than me constantly having to be the one reaching out vs the reality of having to having to push, keep pushing, keep going, keep going knowing that if I ever take a break, I will end up curled up in bed, overwhelmed with pain, unable to get up.

[whome]

Day 27

Three loops today.

The grief and sadness are a bit less sharp today. I did take the lavender pill last night so maybe I have to be careful to not forget. No signs yet that the sub is working; no dreams to note or thoughts to catch or external behaviors of people to speak of.

[Shannon]

It would be much easier to know what was doing what if you were doing just one thing at a time.

[whome]

It would be much easier to know what was doing what if you were doing just one thing at a time.

The only thing is that a week ago I started taking the lavender oil pill twice a day, on the recommendation of my shrink, to smooth the edges of the sharpness of the grief and self-hatred pain. That’s it.

I could stop taking the lavender if you wanted, but it’s not like it’s making me feel good. It’s making the pain and grief level be tolerable. I still feel grief and pain and I still am waking exhausted, like before I started taking the lavender pill, just a bit less.

[Shannon]

It would be much easier to know what was doing what if you were doing just one thing at a time.

The only thing is that a week ago I started taking the lavender oil pill twice a day, on the recommendation of my shrink, to smooth the edges of the sharpness of the grief and self-hatred pain. That’s it.

I could stop taking the lavender if you wanted, but it’s not like it’s making me feel good. It’s making the pain and grief level be tolerable. I still feel grief and pain and I still am waking exhausted, like before I started taking the lavender pill, just a bit less.

If you were going to make a change, I think it should be to stop using OFv3 and see what lavender does for you, and then later, see what OFv3 does for you.  But introducing two changes at once isn't going to make you certain which did what.  That's why during scientific experiments, you don't change multiple variables at a time.  We may not be doing formal science here but it's best to know what each variable does by itself.

Do you believe that OF v3 is helping your particular situation so far?

[whome]

Do you believe that OF v3 is helping your particular situation so far?

I don’t believe that I’ve sensed OF helping yet. I’m hopeful that it might help, but I’m not planning on sitting here, doing only thing at a time, and waiting for that one thing to work or not work before moving onto the next thing. Things are so broken in me that I don’t have the years on the planet left for such an approach.

That's why during scientific experiments, you don't change multiple variables at a time.  We may not be doing formal science here but it's best to know what each variable does by itself.

It seems clear to me that we have two different priorities here, then.

This is not science for me. For me, knowing what did what with any rigor is of zero priority. My priority is to heal or move or treat the pain and grief and terror that corrodes me from the inside. For me, that means using the lavender pills and the sub and maybe EMDR and maybe the past life regression hypnosis that you talked about and whatever. Everything, anything, to get the grief and pain to stop. Because right now it’s immobile and feels permanent, so bashing it from every angle seems like the best approach. This has already destroyed decades of my life, and if I don’t get this solved, it will destroy all the remaining decades of my life.

Please believe me when I say that I wish I could give you data that has rigor. But I cannot afford to. Also, this isn’t DMSI. Part of the agreement of DMSI, payment for the ongoing updates for no charge, was to provide solid data so that you could use it to learn how the effects changed. For DMSI I complied. But there are no such stated restrictions on OFv3 and right now the priority for me of getting the pain in me to stop overrides a request for rigor that I did not agree to.

If you want me to stop posting here, I will. If you are ok with me continuing to post, I will, and I will continue to provide as much data as I can to keep things in context. Nevertheless, I’m going to be listening to OFv3 as part of how I treat the pain in order to make it stop. That is my number one priority. It’s the only thing that matters. I’m sorry that I can’t help you with your science.

[Shannon]

It's not so much a matter of "my science". It's that when you throw everything in the toolbox at a problem you can have unintended results, such as one thing undoing the effects of another. And you may or may not know it.

I fully understand that you'd want to do anything to stop the pain, and I can't blame you for that. My concern is really trying to find a way to figure out what works and what doesn't. I suppose in this case, you're past the point of taking the time to try one thing at a time. Again, I can't blame you if you're in that much pain.

Carry on, then, and best wishes. Hopefully something works for you.

[whome]

Hopefully something works for you.

Thank you.

I haven’t actually yet thrown much at it. I did OFv3 for 14 days with the original ASRB2 and one shorter two-day-off cycle before starting with the lavender oil pills. Unless the lavender oil pills are affecting things (which they may or may not), that’s it. Right now the results are that the edge of the pain is gone, and that seems to have correlated to the pills, but the underlying grief and pain is still there.

In their journals, lots of people are talking about dreams and thoughts and relief, and so given that I’m not seeing any of that, that’s why I’m still somewhat hopeful but not willing to say that I’ve seen OF kick in.