whome's DMSI 3.3.2 journal

[whome]

Day 95 (day 8 on)

Brutal exhaustion waking up. I’m thinking about how I started taking a combo ubiquinol/PQQ pill about a month ago. This streak of days waking with exhaustion started before that, but maybe the pill prolonged it where it would have faded by itself, so I’m going to take a break from the pill.

There’s a singles party thing I’m going to tonight but I don’t have high hopes. Singles parties are all terrible, but I don’t know what my choice is, otherwise. No matter what party I go to, I’m going to walk around, not know who to talk to, feel awkward, try to avoid feelings of self-hatred, and then eventually leave alone. Shrug.

Time for days off. Hey bloom, I’m waiting for you to show up.

[whome]

Also,

Happy 2020 to everyone reading this. I hope that this year finds your subconscious letting go of whatever is blocking you from experiencing everything that you hope for.

Hugs to everyone who is successfully executing their sub, hugs to everyone struggling with their execution or even struggling with themselves. Hugs to those who are lurking.

I appreciate you all and hold you in my heart.

[whome]

Day 99 (day 4 off)

It’s the last day of time off. No bloom, nothing in sight. I think I’m going to stop with DMSI for now.

Recently, within the last two weeks, I’ve gotten a much clearer picture of the grief/pain in my chest. It probably started with early trauma and not feeling safe there, but it was compounded by feedback from parents, from peers, from girls. It flames up with me feeling sexual desire and arousal, and it feels like it’s been in the way of both my DMSI and LTU runs.

So I’m going to try other modalities. My sexuality coach suggested EMDR and hypnotherapy, and when talking about overcoming her trauma, said that she basically tried everything and only the combination of everything at once was enough to loosen her pain enough for it to be healed. So I’m probably going down the same path there: try everything and get things to loosen.

From the descriptions of the subs, it sounds like it’s not safe to mix the subs with all of this, so that’s why I’m stopping it. If it were safe but not recommended, I would keep at the sub (marking myself as non-compliant), as any leverage that I could get with the FRM would be appreciated.

In any case, though, I really do appreciate everyone here. I hope to be back someday when the grief is gone and I have a better chance of executing.

[Shannon]

Best wishes.