11-07-2019, 04:37 PM
I found out 30 minutes ago my scratch-off had already been cashed out. I've never played these, so I wasn't aware I could validate my ticket locally. I called the FL lottery this afternoon and found out at a local gas station. I was planning on going to West Palm tomorrow, so I'm glad I called them. No $500,000 winner here.
I've been in touch with a miner friend this afternoon, and I told him about this. He asked me "what's going on over there?" since I was quiet. I told him I was listening to music videos and trying to allow feelings to surface. I'm a little disappointed and embarrassed I didn't know about this, but what is sitting in me is totally unrelated. But very connected in my life. A melancholy connection.
This morning a trusted coworker I've known 2 years now went down a road which stuck in my gut. This guys done 4 prison terms, and an older worker who I worked with earlier in the week said "there's only one reason someone goes back to prison 4 times; I think he was into some homosexual stuff", and he was being serious. I'd never made that connection. It stuck in my head.
This morning the former inmate made some "funny" aggressive comments to me in a room with 10 or so men, asking if I'd ever done any homosexual activities, giving the hint he wanted me to be his "bitch". I laughed it off, hoping to disempower the tension I felt, but I was embarrassed, even ashamed. I didn't react or defend myself, at all. Felt similar to me and my brother.
This is connected to my own brother when I was younger. He attempted to rape me when I was around 12, I've blocked it out--and this act was linked in my head to my brother leaving home so rapidly, like it was my fault he left. I've not resolved that yet, but this E3 has done more than any other healing sub for traumatic wounds so far. It pushes the connecting buttons.
My mood dropped a better part of the day.
But I knew this is connected to UMS's workings. It was actually confirmed near the end of the day when I watched another peer leader in our company help my Haitian temp get geared up to do a job for us. The leader was putting his hands on the temps head putting on a face mask, and he showed no fear or insecurity being physical with the temp. He was at ease with himself, and I was in awe of his internal comfort, still feeling pain and old fear from this morning. It made sense why I try to lead with some distance. And why I tend to want to abandon my workplace at times, a place where 95% of the workers are male.
I'm not helpless. Yet emotionally, it's tied to a feeling of helplessness. And fearful that if I go there with all the fear and hurt, I'll be stuck there. That's why I've kept such great distance from this feeling.
No financial winnings today. But this emotional roadblock finally, even coincidentally (?), came up today. I began loops over an hour ago.
Took a water break. Part of me welled up, wanting to NOT stay in the same spot. If I use the same tools and same habits to "cope" with problems (mostly avoid them), I'll be stuck. I've stayed stuck for eons now. I'm so fricken tired of this shit. I'm not sure what's going on in me, but it does feel stronger than where I've been before.
I've been in touch with a miner friend this afternoon, and I told him about this. He asked me "what's going on over there?" since I was quiet. I told him I was listening to music videos and trying to allow feelings to surface. I'm a little disappointed and embarrassed I didn't know about this, but what is sitting in me is totally unrelated. But very connected in my life. A melancholy connection.
This morning a trusted coworker I've known 2 years now went down a road which stuck in my gut. This guys done 4 prison terms, and an older worker who I worked with earlier in the week said "there's only one reason someone goes back to prison 4 times; I think he was into some homosexual stuff", and he was being serious. I'd never made that connection. It stuck in my head.
This morning the former inmate made some "funny" aggressive comments to me in a room with 10 or so men, asking if I'd ever done any homosexual activities, giving the hint he wanted me to be his "bitch". I laughed it off, hoping to disempower the tension I felt, but I was embarrassed, even ashamed. I didn't react or defend myself, at all. Felt similar to me and my brother.
This is connected to my own brother when I was younger. He attempted to rape me when I was around 12, I've blocked it out--and this act was linked in my head to my brother leaving home so rapidly, like it was my fault he left. I've not resolved that yet, but this E3 has done more than any other healing sub for traumatic wounds so far. It pushes the connecting buttons.
My mood dropped a better part of the day.
But I knew this is connected to UMS's workings. It was actually confirmed near the end of the day when I watched another peer leader in our company help my Haitian temp get geared up to do a job for us. The leader was putting his hands on the temps head putting on a face mask, and he showed no fear or insecurity being physical with the temp. He was at ease with himself, and I was in awe of his internal comfort, still feeling pain and old fear from this morning. It made sense why I try to lead with some distance. And why I tend to want to abandon my workplace at times, a place where 95% of the workers are male.
I'm not helpless. Yet emotionally, it's tied to a feeling of helplessness. And fearful that if I go there with all the fear and hurt, I'll be stuck there. That's why I've kept such great distance from this feeling.
No financial winnings today. But this emotional roadblock finally, even coincidentally (?), came up today. I began loops over an hour ago.
Took a water break. Part of me welled up, wanting to NOT stay in the same spot. If I use the same tools and same habits to "cope" with problems (mostly avoid them), I'll be stuck. I've stayed stuck for eons now. I'm so fricken tired of this shit. I'm not sure what's going on in me, but it does feel stronger than where I've been before.
I want to be FREE!