Findingme's UMS journal

[Paul1131]

And now it sounds like you’re beating yourself up for it.

I was openly admitting something I was doing.  Me calling it out openly is saying to myself that I'm hurting me, and I don't want to do it anymore.  When I see it again, BSing myself isn't so simple.  So, I tell on myself to free myself.  

The truth sets me free.

Oh, my apologies.  Im surprised that this phase isn’t more rough on me, but for the most part I’m not having any kind of emotion while I look at all the parts of me I don’t like.  It’s just kind of like “eh, that needs to be fixed”.  I’m not that emotional by nature, but this is way smoother than I would expect.

[findingme]

Emotions, wow. I learned somewhere many years ago in recovery groups that a good cry felt so good. I hid in them for over 20 years. Then masculine messages got mixed in there, me interpreting them as unmanly and shameful.

But something is clicking (I'm running UMS now). I'm fearing if I don't cry or feel, there'll be no me inside. Who will I be? I say this since I've had this tug of war of emotion in my chest all day long. My fear is that I won't feel and I'll be empty. Blank. Without personality.

(that sounded like fear trying to cloak itself. I'm beginning to see that)

To add to what you wrote in your journal this morning, I've used emotions as "me". Without such emotion, I'd have to.........to be responsible for myself. I'd have to speak, even if people didn't like who I was. Emotions often meant words weren't needed. I have thoughts, but they've not often been so friendly when I'm scared. Being responsible for the scared and angry words.....that'd be....new. I've been avoiding this at work lately. Fear produces anger which produces conflict. I imagine rejection (fear), get defensive (angry words or looks), and incite other's anger (conflict). A much used technique is to laugh it off, but the laughter is nervousness and fear of responsibility for what I just did. Childish thinking, and it's what I use quite a bit. I am afraid since i don't have answers right now. I don't have answers just yet.

[findingme]

Today was different; like I made a decision and stuck with it.  UMS must have broken through to something in me, and it was all about personal responsibility.  I deliberately focused on being responsible for what I said to people, what I had said in times past, and I was extremely focused on being good to people I encountered.  Also--I was in no pity-me mode at all.  That is a major change for how I've done things in the past, like I used to think they owed me for approaching them.  My expectations must have reeked before.

I first apologized to a coworker for how I felt I'd disrespected him last Friday.  I was on the back of a garbage truck in a private neighborhood, it was still dark, and this guy came up right behind us in his truck, yelling stuff I couldn't decipher.  I took his loudness as belittling me, and I copped an attitude.  I barely spoke to him in the 10 minutes he followed us, but it took 5 minutes or so for me to actually notice he was helping us by jumping out and assisting in our cleanup.  

This morning, when I apologized to him, he shared something I actually know is true.  He said he wouldn't fuck with me if he didn't like me.  He doesn't even talk to people he dislikes.  He even repeated it, and our "private" conversation was suddenly listened to by 10 other men (when people talk low, people listen).  

He was the only one I did any apology to, but the whole day I was centered on being good and fair to people around me.  My desire to mend weakened relationships kept me pretty alert of both my spoken and unspoken messages.  I realized it was my responsibility to mend things, and it felt important to me.  Something changed over the weekend.
I got tired of creating pain continually.  Today's efforts are being felt now, and it's taking some of my tension away; making mistakes and ignoring them has often kept me anxious and fearful of facing them again.

I will add one piece of understanding that came to me midday.  Growing up, I was very close and dependent on my brother.  When he left home suddenly when I was 12, I used that same thinking in my relationships, though it never went well with others.  But surmise it to say that when I got scared, I took no responsibility, for I knew someone else would.  It's been tough "expecting" others to take on my responsibilities in life.  My ex-wife did, and that's why she's now my ex.  It's not how I was designed to live.  

Life can be much better.  Today really felt good, and I look forward to tomorrow.

[findingme]

I read Paul's post 10 minutes ago, and a point he mentioned is hanging on me.  Unworthiness.  

I have a large amount of bitcoin that's been mined, and a friend invited me to a meeting of wealth-minded people  in Orlando on Wednesday.  I resisted inside initially, but said yes since I wanted to be bigger than my fear.

I mention the bitcoin since I need only a private key to release it, and I've been offering 10x back to a private lender.  I'm imagining conversations with possible lenders, and some part of me feels manipulative going with this mindset--or more accurately, I feel dishonest with myself.  Part of me feels unworthy of such wealth and peace.  Which was a strong reason for me beginning UMS.  It's steadily pushing down my walls, and I feel a little overwhelmed considering what I've been thinking on tonight, mostly emotional stuff.  

This is my first day of rest, after using UMS for 5 days (normally 4, but the emotional stuff was surfacing, so I used UMS like Shannon advised for emotional turmoil).  I know UMS will break through this, and it will pass.........

@Shannon, would you advise any changes to my schedule?  I'm running 4 days on, 3 days off, listening to 4-5 loops on ultrasonic.

[findingme]

Took a shower. Realized I was stressed since I was trying to manipulate myself to fit in with the imagined crowd.

[Shannon]

Use it as you see works best for you.

[findingme]

Thanks Shannon for the reply.  

I'd read DarkTemptation's thread about LTU reactions days ago, and I clicked on the resistance info page you posted.  I realized I've used quite a few,  But why I'm writing is because my most used tactic, misusing the subliminal, has not had all the temptations like I've had in past subs.

My biggest misuse was adding loops of another sub, usually at work, and sometimes on weekends.  I'd use 4G, 5G, or E2 at times to counter brewing stress (of fear making noise).  But so far, I've only tried that 2ce, and both times, I quit within an hour.  I felt the complete difference in power and push, and hell no--I wanted to stay in UMS's focus.  The slight pressure that ME2 brings is preferred over seeking some fantasy.  I'm unsure if you put this in the anti-resistance scripting, but I thought I'd report it.

I also read how EP had realized he'd not had issues thinking about his ex-friend, and I realized that for me, I've barely had old fears of abandonment lately.  That was a cool realization.  I also realized that my money minded awareness had been slightly held back since E3 was doing a bit, but today I had this insight that as old fears and limiting beliefs are lessened, my money mindset will become much more evident.  And more specifically, I'm in the focus not so much of gaining wealth since my bitcoin amount has greatly increased lately.  My focus has been on managing it and myself properly.  I've had old fearful beliefs with the attaining of wealth, and responsible management of it is a whole different animal.  But I've had my eyes on these issues much of this past year, and I've found some very good businesses that focus on this specifically.  The fear is seeming much weaker now.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks Shannon for the reply.  

I'd read DarkTemptation's thread about LTU reactions days ago, and I clicked on the resistance info page you posted.  I realized I've used quite a few,  But why I'm writing is because my most used tactic, misusing the subliminal, has not had all the temptations like I've had in past subs.

My biggest misuse was adding loops of another sub, usually at work, and sometimes on weekends.  I'd use 4G, 5G, or E2 at times to counter brewing stress (of fear making noise).  But so far, I've only tried that 2ce, and both times, I quit within an hour.  I felt the complete difference in power and push, and hell no--I wanted to stay in UMS's focus.  The slight pressure that ME2 brings is preferred over seeking some fantasy.  I'm unsure if you put this in the anti-resistance scripting, but I thought I'd report it.

I also read how EP had realized he'd not had issues thinking about his ex-friend, and I realized that for me, I've barely had old fears of abandonment lately.  That was a cool realization.  I also realized that my money minded awareness had been slightly held back since E3 was doing a bit, but today I had this insight that as old fears and limiting beliefs are lessened, my money mindset will become much more evident.  And more specifically, I'm in the focus not so much of gaining wealth since my bitcoin amount has greatly increased lately.  My focus has been on managing it and myself properly.  I've had old fearful beliefs with the attaining of wealth, and responsible management of it is a whole different animal.  But I've had my eyes on these issues much of this past year, and I've found some very good businesses that focus on this specifically.  The fear is seeming much weaker now.

That's awesome man! Glad to see things getting better for you

[findingme]

Thank you for the acknowledgement EP.  

I'm realizing growth is happening, and I've been looking for it.  I'm just jabbering now, but I've shared this with nobody so far.  

The very things I was moaning about a few posts up I realized were resistance tactics.  Cool awareness.  I realize I was trying to keep myself in a yucky victim-minded "stuck state".  I didn't like it, and simultaneously did not put my hands on it to give it more power.  I've been un-wanting this controlling reaction since it always leads to feeling more fear, which encourages victim thinking.  UMS's grip on my mind (I'm actually being literal there) gives me some peace since it says UMS is working.  And within a few days, fears just began losing power.

I'm grateful to be on a powerful sub handling my fears directly.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thank you for the acknowledgement EP.  

I'm realizing growth is happening, and I've been looking for it.  I'm just jabbering now, but I've shared this with nobody so far.  

The very things I was moaning about a few posts up I realized were resistance tactics.  Cool awareness.  I realize I was trying to keep myself in a yucky victim-minded "stuck state".  I didn't like it, and simultaneously did not put my hands on it to give it more power.  I've been un-wanting this controlling reaction since it always leads to feeling more fear, which encourages victim thinking.  UMS's grip on my mind (I'm actually being literal there) gives me some peace since it says UMS is working.  And within a few days, fears just began losing power.

I'm grateful to be on a powerful sub handling my fears directly.

Yeah. At the very least, we can say the healing component of UMS works correctly.

[findingme]

The whole package works from what I see.  I've realized it's focusing on clearing out the obstructions to allow for the other factors to grow and thrive.  I've shared I've been on a number of healing subs with Shannon, so I'm actually thrilled when old stuff is unearthed.  It took so long to build and maintain these defenses.  But they are what have given me what I've got.  If it needs to clear out junk, I'm SO for it.  

I've even noticed while I'm writing that this old junk was "normal".  It was expected each and every day.  Living without old fears (one by one) is much more a gift than I realize.  When fears go away, stresses do too.  I'd rather deal with one day of intense fear vs new instruction wars in my mind compared to constant, incessnant stifling and repressing of who I actually am.  It takes some time to see such things, but you're moving forward EP.

I'm grateful you don't hide much.  Your last sentence makes it evident that resistance is still kicking and battling to win.  

EP, you'll make it.  You're going forward.  Seek answers on this sub, and let your subconscious show you open doors, whether they're emotional or financial.  You're making progress.  Allow it to grow in you.

[Shannon]

Thank you for the acknowledgement EP.  

I'm realizing growth is happening, and I've been looking for it.  I'm just jabbering now, but I've shared this with nobody so far.  

The very things I was moaning about a few posts up I realized were resistance tactics.  Cool awareness.  I realize I was trying to keep myself in a yucky victim-minded "stuck state".  I didn't like it, and simultaneously did not put my hands on it to give it more power.  I've been un-wanting this controlling reaction since it always leads to feeling more fear, which encourages victim thinking.  UMS's grip on my mind (I'm actually being literal there) gives me some peace since it says UMS is working.  And within a few days, fears just began losing power.

I'm grateful to be on a powerful sub handling my fears directly.

Yeah. At the very least, we can say the healing component of UMS works correctly.

It all works.  The program is designed so that it attempts to execute a statement, and if resistance poips up, then the program shifts to removing the reason behind the resistance.  It may seem at first like "nothing much is happening" because of this - you're using a program to generate wealth, and it doesn't seem to be doing much of anything in that direction.  But what it's doing is pouring the foundation of the skyscraper.  You need a deep, sturdy level foundation to keep that skyscraper stable and supported while it is being built, and while it is in use.  You never get to building it if you're constantly stuck at "I can't clear the land to pour the foundation."

So the program does the logical thing: it makes the first part of the journey the preparation for achieving the program goals by removing the things that have prevented you from achieving it without help already.

[findingme]

Thanks for confirming that Shannon. I had some doubts of this mixed with conviction, so thank you for chiming in.

[findingme]

A men's coach I'd connected with earlier this year did a live webinar on self-love earlier this week, and I watched it.  I wished to share what I did today as an encouragement for those resisting emotional changes on UMS or any of Shannon's subs.  

This guy had suggested we watch a documentary of active men's group work done inside Folsom Prison.  I've done some men's weekend retreats, and if the setting is right, and I needed it, I opened up.  I thought of this while watching it.

It's called The Work, and it's on Amazon.  I rented it for $4.  A group of about 20 men come from the outside--but not necessarily to assist.  Many find some healing themselves in the process.  It's a 4 day event, and the inmates' courage was very moving.  These guys have brass gonads to be willing to walk right into unexpressed areas of pain and release it.   But what touched me most was how some of the outsiders were affected.

One such guy had long hair, and he worked in a museum.  I saw that and realized he was making minimum wages while undervaluing himself  Looking at his posture....well, I've done that.  Eyes down.  Detached.  

On day 3 this guy broke down unexpectedly.  The safety and courage in the group got to him, and he peeled open, crying it out.  He'd been undervalued by his dad, and he'd been living up to these low expectations all his life--he was only in his 30's, and he didn't see himself as a real man.  But he had decided he was willing to face this when he walked into the prison.  It was very moving.  I cried through half of it.  Very raw, very real, and I'd recommend it to anyone desiring some clarity.  The inmates in this video are really fortunate to have real healing possible, and getting to the roots of one's pain often takes not being alone.  Many have found their peace after going through the pain.  Highly recommended.

Edit: the men's coach shared this on Wednesday. I was physically tired, but I was mostly scared, knowing it might touch something very raw in me. It's Saturday now.