EP E3 Journal

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 53:

I've come to the realization that I'm still angry at my friend and haven't forgiven her. She hurt me really bad and I wish she knew how it felt. I wish she understood and cared about my perspective, my feelings and about, well, me. I struggle to forgive and let go. I struggle to get over the fact that I mean so little to her whe she means so much to me. What she did was cruel, and regardless of how I was, I don;t deserve this cruelty. I wish she understood that. And I struggle to forgive her for it. I'm sorry for how I've treated her. I wish she was sorry as well. She doesn't struggle to forgive me. She doesn't think I deserve forgiveness. And I struggle to let go of and forgive that as well. I know unrequited love is at the core of all anger, but I struggle to extract the love from my anger and let go of everything else.

[Shannon]

You're going to want to look up the stages of grieving and read about that.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Okay thanks.

[CatMan]

I'd read No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover too.

I figured a LONG time ago, that based off your posts, she was far from a "friend" in your mind. It was obvious you were fixated on her.

That book should help you a great deal with this issue. It did for me and many others.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Thanks CatMan for the book recommendation, although I don't have any money for it and already have like a million books to read.

So @Shannon do you think I'll get to the Acceptence stage soon?

[Shannon]

I couldn't possibly know that. Every person's grieving style and order and pattern are different.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Gotcha. Thanks.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 54:

I'm well rested, but I don't want to get out of bed and get my day started. This is a common issue lately. I don't know why. Maybe some sort of fear? Maybe I'm just lazy? I dunno.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

As far as good news goes, I think I'm finally getting the main riff to Thunderkiss 65 down. I lost my favourite pick though. Now I gotta settle for one of the crappy ones. Maybe I'll be able to convince my dad to buy me some picks. See, this is why I wanna use UMS. I can't even afford to buy guitar picks. Once my E3 usage reaches day 180, that'll be my last day on E3 and then I switch to UMS. As it stands, I am about 1/3 of the way through as of today.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm so... angry. And hurt. Dunno what to do about it.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Been listening to E3 for the last 6 hours. Still so angry and hurt. When am I gonna finally get over this? It seems these wounds run so deep, they reach my core. I'm beginning to hate her. I'm so hurt. I am in very bad pain right now.

[findingme]

EP,

I can say with certainty that E3 is moving in you in a big way, as your anger would not be overwhelming you without it.  It's under your skin, digging deep, tossing chairs left and right...........it's kicking denial's ass right now, which pisses you off.  E3 is doing this!  This is what you've waited for!

BE pissed!  BE whatever you are, however you are, in whatever way you need to be.  THIS is the change you've been looking and digging for!  It's NOT light.  It's NOT easy.  No..........it's fighting FOR you.  And you WILL be standing up on the other side!!

Change is happening!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

EP,

I can say with certainty that E3 is moving in you in a big way, as your anger would not be overwhelming you without it.  It's under your skin, digging deep, tossing chairs left and right...........it's kicking denial's ass right now, which pisses you off.  E3 is doing this!  This is what you've waited for!

BE pissed!  BE whatever you are, however you are, in whatever way you need to be.  THIS is the change you've been looking and digging for!  It's NOT light.  It's NOT easy.  No..........it's fighting FOR you.  And you WILL be standing up on the other side!!

Change is happening!

Thanks, Findingme. Good to hear!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Day 55: Nothing really new today. Pain, guilt, shame, regret, hurt, etc. It's all still kicking my ass today. I am working to reach a place of acceptance and forgiveness.