Greenduck's LTU5 journal

[Greenduck]

Had a horrible day yesterday. I smoked some weed and so damn much fears came up that I thought I was losing my mind. Will not smoke until I’m in better shape.

Had some nice moments today when playing tennis wit some friends. I didn’t not worry about what others thought about me but I was just peaceful and enjoyed playing and everything just went so damn easy and smooth André I can oils really take use of my potential and my talent in the game.

Went to a party socializing and it went ok. Had some nice conversations with some dude I enjoy hanging out with and met some old friends. I left later on because I felt uncomfortable and needed to hve some space. So on my way home now. But still a good day.

[Greenduck]

2 months with LTU.

I feel more and more grounded Life is starting to seem normal again rather than like a movie that is played up in front of my eyes and I am starting to recognize who I am again. I can more and more keep my head straight around things and not be sucked down into the worry and fear I have been living in before. I started to read again, and working on finding ways to calm myself and find ways to relax. I am not as worried longer about going to work.

I went out this weekend and had a really good time actually, met with some friends who had taken ecstasy and they kept asking what I had take because I just enjoyed the music and dancing so much, haha. I got invited to a party with them later this summer, and they seemed just very happy to have me around (which probably had more to do with them taking ecstasy than me, lol).But the important part was that I could just enjoy myself and dancing and didn't felt worried about what they though about me, etc.

Also had some conversations with some new people and some good laughs. Not feeling like my mood is in the hands of other people, but actually felt like I was present and was in control of myself (which is a huge improvement). My memory is better and better. I'm more relaxed when I wake up in the morning and I'm getting deeper contact in my meditation.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm glad you're doing so well Greenduck. You deserve to feel good in life.

[Greenduck]

Had a horrible day today. I was off, irritated about everything, insecure, head spinning. I guess I'm going through something, and sure it will pass as everything else, but today was a shitty day.

EDIT:
I went for a run and my state totally changed. In an objective manner the day wasn't that shitty, I got some stuff done at work and had a OK lunch with a friend, but I just felt out of myself today. Happy to have exercise as an alternative that can help so much. That and music.

[Greenduck]

It's amazing how two days can differ so much. Today was a really good day at work and I felt good throughout the day. Came home and fixed some stuff, I was really productive and took care of manners that needed to be taken care of.

My mother is still really draining me, it's like I can't protect myself against her energy-vampirism and it's just sucks out my life force just being around her. I hope that the aura shield becomes more effective as I continue to run the program.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I was an energy vampire and didn't know it in the past. I wonder how I can change my image to the people I've energetically fed on in the past? Maybe I shouldn't be so concerned with my image, but I care a lot what they think and how they feel about me, y'know? Maybe E3 and LTU5 will make me less concerned with all that. I hope so.

Anyway, I'm really glad your day has been going so well Greenduck! And I too hope the auric shield kicks in more effectively.

[Greenduck]

I was an energy vampire and didn't know it in the past. I wonder how I can change my image to the people I've energetically fed on in the past? Maybe I shouldn't be so concerned with my image, but I care a lot what they think and how they feel about me, y'know? Maybe E3 and LTU5 will make me less concerned with all that. I hope so.

Anyway, I'm really glad your day has been going so well Greenduck! And I too hope the auric shield kicks in more effectively.

Your concern for how other people feel, perceive you, feel about you will diminish when you gain that inner peace you are striving for. Then you are not so dependent on other people’s energy and reactions to feel your sense of self, and thus it won’t be a problem anymore. With enough time I’m prepared to say it can and will help you based on what LTU have done to me.

[Griffin]

I'm sorry to break in the conversation, when you have time could you explain to me the behavior traits of a energy vampire.

Cheers!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I'm sorry to break in the conversation, when you have time could you explain to me the behavior traits of a energy vampire.

Cheers!

It's just someone who (knowingly or unknowingly) drains you of all your energy. Someone who puts a lot of demands on you for example, or maybe somebody who antagonizes to get attention or something like that. If they do shit to drain you of your energy, they're an energy vampire. I put a lot of undue demands and pressure on my ex-friend and drained her of her energy, for example. Now she doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

[Greenduck]

Yeah evolving said it. Basically someone that make you irritated uncomfortable angry tired. You know one when you see one if you know what to look for. Someone who make their problems your problems and often make everything to a problem.

[Greenduck]

I am slowly but steadily overcoming guilt, but also fear and shame, but not in the same obvious manner. All the three emotions have really been setting myself back in my ability to live and enjoy life, on a very fundamental and profound level. I have been searching for meaning in life (as we humans tend to do..) on a complex level, but I am starting to understand the beauty in the simple enjoyments of life such as companionship, trust and work. Things I have dreaded before and seen as a necessary evil of life, while chasing something that I though was joy, but really never had any idea of what it looked like, so even if I catched it for a glimpse it would just fall right through my fingers.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

It looks like you've come a really long way from havibg PTSD to this point. Whatvdo you plan to do after you're done with your LTU5 run?

[Greenduck]

It looks like you've come a really long way from havibg PTSD to this point. Whatvdo you plan to do after you're done with your LTU5 run?

To be honest I don't really know. I have to make an assessment then what I want to do from the place I am then, I can't really do that right now. But AM7 is an attractive option as I want to keep on my growth and becoming a strong male seems like a natural step. But first things first, I need to become stable enough and mentally healthy and balanced to take on that challenge.

[Greenduck]

I usually have a moment for myself in the car after working out, finding a nice spot and listening to music. It's the time that I best can relax. I always carry an uneasy feeling inside, like an inability to relax, it's always something back there whirring in the background that's in way of my ability to sink down and relax. A probable cause of PTSD I guess.

Anyway, today in my relaxation time I felt I relaxed more than I usually do. I sinked down further into relaxation. Still not fully, but more than usual. And afterwards I felt more present, like "I am here again". That's how it feels during the day, like I am not really there, like I am behind some half transparent curtain of consciousness and awareness, not being able to be fully present because of the trauma(s) that's not yet overcome, but holding me back from reality.

Progress is good.