Findingme's LTU5 Journal

[findingme]

I've missed my point the last few posts. I pointed at my bosses, blaming them, focusing on what they did or didn't do. I'm finding it painful to blame people, for anything at all. Blaming, for me, was always nothing more than dodging responsibility and putting others in charge of me and my happiness. AKA playing a victim.

Blame hurts ME. I am not ok with that presently.

[findingme]

I've restarted LTU this past Monday, and it's consistently hitting my emotional state. I'd usually stay there, letting it peter out within time. I'm surprised since I'm taking action. I am walking into some fears. Like 2 I am facing today.

One involves my daughter, and another is a possible meetup with my trader, a very beautiful woman. I saw my daughter and ex 2 weekends ago, and I took my daughter to the beach, where we talked and swam. My ex showed up, and eventually I got cold in the water (I have little body fat), so I went up, warmed up, and joined my ex. We talked a good ten minutes before my daughter joined us. And I gave both of them rubdowns right on their towels, something I'd not done in over a year, for rubdowns were one thing I used when trying to woo my wife back. I realize it meant a lot to me doing it again.

My daughter piped up, asking my ex if one community would work nice for me were I to move up where they live (800 miles away). I heard her and felt it slightly, but I had been enjoying the "safety" of being alone. Well....no, not really. Her message stuck with me. I told one close coworker; he advised me to move up there. I told my miner; she almost cried. Her message was "if you can't bring her closer to you, go closer to her". And considering I am moving forward financially, money (or a job) would not be a hindrance.

So, I texted my ex an hour ago about it. Her reply was "I would love for you to be close to your child". I did not expect this. Really?

F***. I'm feeling old self-entitled (and self-defeating) expectations rise in me, considering my selfishness is what hurt our relationship. That's why I'm nervous. Thinking about this actually makes me sad. Like......I'd have to face the consequences for my actions.

(STOP) This is failure-based thinking. I've had a time this week when I had a "success high" out of nowhere. Just LTU booting up by itself in my mind. And listening to the old fears/dis-hopes/discouragement will only bring more. I'm running hybrid currently, so stuff is being cleared out and being overwritten.

I like that it does this. I'm actively feeling myself holding on to old fears. And slowly, I'm releasing them, and a true feeling of success comes with it, like "I did it!!" Today I faced my fear of contacting my ex, and my miner asked me if she could be my guide when I take my daughter to Paris, and I thought it a GREAT idea.

This feels nice

[Greenduck]

I've restarted LTU this past Monday, and it's consistently hitting my emotional state. I'd usually stay there, letting it peter out within time. I'm surprised since I'm taking action. I am walking into some fears. Like 2 I am facing today.

One involves my daughter, and another is a possible meetup with my trader, a very beautiful woman. I saw my daughter and ex 2 weekends ago, and I took my daughter to the beach, where we talked and swam. My ex showed up, and eventually I got cold in the water (I have little body fat), so I went up, warmed up, and joined my ex. We talked a good ten minutes before my daughter joined us. And I gave both of them rubdowns right on their towels, something I'd not done in over a year, for rubdowns were one thing I used when trying to woo my wife back. I realize it meant a lot to me doing it again.

My daughter piped up, asking my ex if one community would work nice for me were I to move up where they live (800 miles away). I heard her and felt it slightly, but I had been enjoying the "safety" of being alone. Well....no, not really. Her message stuck with me. I told one close coworker; he advised me to move up there. I told my miner; she almost cried. Her message was "if you can't bring her closer to you, go closer to her". And considering I am moving forward financially, money (or a job) would not be a hindrance.

So, I texted my ex an hour ago about it. Her reply was "I would love for you to be close to your child". I did not expect this. Really?

F***. I'm feeling old self-entitled (and self-defeating) expectations rise in me, considering my selfishness is what hurt our relationship. That's why I'm nervous. Thinking about this actually makes me sad. Like......I'd have to face the consequences for my actions.

(STOP) This is failure-based thinking. I've had a time this week when I had a "success high" out of nowhere. Just LTU booting up by itself in my mind. And listening to the old fears/dis-hopes/discouragement will only bring more. I'm running hybrid currently, so stuff is being cleared out and being overwritten.

I like that it does this. I'm actively feeling myself holding on to old fears. And slowly, I'm releasing them, and a true feeling of success comes with it, like "I did it!!" Today I faced my fear of contacting my ex, and my miner asked me if she could be my guide when I take my daughter to Paris, and I thought it a GREAT idea.

This feels nice

Awesome man!

Regarding the part with facing the consequences of your actions, it got me thinking about some weeks ago when I though about my ex and how I cheated on her and broke up after five years. It was like I have tried to dodge that insight for so long time, but LTU made me face if, and all the feelings associated with it. And it was hard, really painful, but afterwards I started to see things a bit more nuanced. So I had to go through that painful part to get to a more balanced state, the fear of facing how I felt inside because of what I had done before held me back in becoming emotionally healthy. It's scary to "face the music" but once we learned to accept what is, we can understand what we want, who we are, and how to get ourselves to where we want. That my mantra

Best of luck!

[Shannon]

I've restarted LTU this past Monday, and it's consistently hitting my emotional state.  I'd usually stay there, letting it peter out within time.  I'm surprised since I'm taking action.  I am walking into some fears.  Like 2 I am facing today.

One involves my daughter, and another is a possible meetup with my trader, a very beautiful woman.  I saw my daughter and ex 2 weekends ago, and I took my daughter to the beach, where we talked and swam.  My ex showed up, and eventually I got cold in the water (I have little body fat), so I went up, warmed up, and joined my ex.  We talked a good ten minutes before my daughter joined us.  And I gave both of them rubdowns right on their towels, something I'd not done in over a year, for rubdowns were one thing I used when trying to woo my wife back.  I realize it meant a lot to me doing it again.

My daughter piped up, asking my ex if one community would work nice for me were I to move up where they live (800 miles away).  I heard her and felt it slightly, but I had been enjoying the "safety" of being alone.  Well....no, not really.  Her message stuck with me.  I told one close coworker; he advised me to move up there.  I told my miner; she almost cried.  Her message was "if you can't bring her closer to you, go closer to her".  And considering I am moving forward financially, money (or a job) would not be a hindrance.

So, I texted my ex an hour ago about it.  Her reply was "I would love for you to be close to your child".  I did not expect this.  Really?  

F***.  I'm feeling old self-entitled (and self-defeating) expectations rise in me, considering my selfishness is what hurt our relationship.  That's why I'm nervous.  Thinking about this actually makes me sad.  Like......I'd have to face the consequences for my actions.  

(STOP)  This is failure-based thinking.  I've had a time this week when I had a "success high" out of nowhere.  Just LTU booting up by itself in my mind.  And listening to the old fears/dis-hopes/discouragement will only bring more.  I'm running hybrid currently, so stuff is being cleared out and being overwritten.  

I like that it does this.  I'm actively feeling myself holding on to old fears.  And slowly, I'm releasing them, and a true feeling of success comes with it, like "I did it!!"  Today I faced my fear of contacting my ex, and my miner asked me if she could be my guide when I take my daughter to Paris, and I thought it a GREAT idea.  

This feels nice

That's awesome progress, man!  Good work!

[findingme]

Something I've been both afraid and ashamed to admit is causing problems.

I've been afraid going forward, for LTU is allowing and encouraging major changes. On almost a daily basis, I've come home and had coffee right before starting loops. Self sabotage, almost daily. In fact, yesterday morning, while getting ready for work, I vocalized "my goal today is to love myself". I need that, plus I'd been discounting USLM4 in LTU, so I tried this. I may begin writing this down. A fear of change (emotional movement) has been attempting an emotional lockdown. I'd been focused on everyone else, avoiding myself, and a pain has stayed and increased. And minutes ago when imagining writing here, my mind came up with 2 quick ways to avoid being honest.

Most changes in me revolve around memories of my brother. The fear is that (in my mind) I won't NEED him. I did when I was younger; this was how we survived emotionally. It's creating discomfort at times in me at work, for how I relate is changing, working with all guys. Also, fears hide fear and pain from messages from my mom. I've felt more attractive around women, whether I know them or not, and my mind has thought of old messages, discouraging me. But feeling genuinely attractive is new to me.

This is UD working, for sitting here......... I'm afraid to grieve those losses. If I could ever trace any root of pain in my life, it leads to a great fear of feeling it all again. The fear says I'll stay in pain. That I'll be stuck there.

I don't want to be stuck in pain. I don't! (Tears came up just now, a release)

I needed to admit this. I want to love myself again. I haven't been. I even put on an additional loop while writing here. Self pity is disgusting to me right now, yet my only foreseeable option is.......to feel what I'm feeling...and fearing. I don't....want to feel alone.

Greenduck, this is me facing and feeling consequences of my actions. And yeah, it hurts.

[Shannon]

Be patient with yourself when you make progress. Recognize your progress. When you find a reason why for your choices, actions, fears, etc. think on it logically, but patiently, and feed that back to the part feeling it. Explain it. "We don't need to feel that anymore because the only reason we are stuck in pain is because we chose to hold on to it instead of letting it go and outgrowing it. This is me now choosing to let go of the pain and outgrow it, and I want you to join me and do the same."

[findingme]

Thank you Shannon. That touches me. I'm feeling it, and I'm going to bring in today's happenings while processing that truth of letting go of old ways.

I was at work today, thinking about last night's post, and also still processing something unknown. Throughout the day, I realized 2 things clearly.

The first is that UD is doing its work on me presently, as similar feelings rose during my solo UD run. I even felt sad and mushy for a short while this morning. Like I was on the edge of grieving something. I won't and don't have to seek it out, for it'll come when it's ready. I read 4Kingdom's USLM4 journal today, and I like his relaxed, non-controlling approach. My stuff wants to come out. Patience is key. Thank you for the reminder Shannon.


The other thing, which resonates with your message, Shannon, was I realized why I've been so distant (or even defensive and mean) around guys I know. I've put on a front at work, but......I really don't allow anyone in. What I realized today was my understanding I've held: "If I trust (any guy), I'll have to give up myself. I'll have to be small (helpless) again and let you lead my life". I'd have to put 100% faith in them to be a "big brother". But distrust and old pains surface. Thus my meanness.

I can hear my old sponsor's message here. I'll sometimes share small conflicts I'm having with someone, and he only has to say a word to check me. "Expectations". Expectations, more than mostly anything else, has created pain in me, even around peaceful people. When I've actively dropped them, I felt free

I'll be mixing your message into this message I've held.

[findingme]

Yesterday I realized something else is happening with LTU. My "common sense" is returning.

Living in fear shut down or greatly dulled common awareness and problem solving skills. My focus was more on surviving daily interactions, or squelching memories and feelings from the past. I find awareness to be simply "on" or "off", and mine's been "off". I have not been sought out for problem solving mostly since my head has been in the clouds. I'm that guy who would love chasing unrelated and irrelevant rabbit trails--but solving the problem on the table? Nah. Talk to him, him over there, even her. I enjoyed this initially, for it kept responsibility away. I hid behind this "spacy-ness".

I've been afraid so long, and life got smaller.

Yesterday, I got to see beyond the veil which I've hid behind, and I wasn't afraid. Nice.

[findingme]

A mix of recent events plus LTU have me in a different spot today. I'm feeling some regret.

First, I was quite busy in a couple of threads here yesterday, as both had similar backgrounds to my own, and I had some compassion for them. What happened in me is I began taking too much responsibility in my head, like I was in some way responsible for what had transpired in their lives. It was even drifting to a parental role I've used with my own daughter. With my daughter, it became a need for control, but mostly to keep from feeling like a failure. The feeling and awareness I've had today is I felt insistent of MY wants with the 2 members here. I thought the same with my daughter, and I caused her some pain which I've slowly learned of these last 5 years. The feeling which stuck with me was I'd failed. I'd hurt her, and I was scared to contact her a lot since......I didn't know how to really love her in actions. I still avoid saying hi regularly......yes.....due to this feeling of failure.

I realize now I was trying to be lovable to her, and then these guys. I was (am?) a mix of fear and pain, trying to give. (Just felt guilt and sadness---I've tried to have others love me. I realized I am ignoring myself. How can i actually love......ME??)


Then, today at work I had a part needing repair, and it's not critical at all. I knew the replacement part had shown up in our shop last week, but I'd not spoken to the head mechanic about it. I tried to speak to him 4 different times before lunch, but he was occupied all day. I caught him right as he was packing up his stuff at the end of the day. I began saying it wasn't critical, and I then made my request known. Grumpy and exhausted, he said he'd been trying to fix it since last Thursday, but hasn't had time due to work orders. Frustrated, he asked why I was asking him, and I told him I thought I was supposed to talk with him about it. I was wrong. This had been on his mind, and I've carried some regret for asking. Again, I felt responsible for his feelings. He communicated his workload is heavy, and only him and another mechanic do any of the work, which is true.

So, the feeling of failure and regret is in my mind presently. Most days I try to gloss over it, but for some reason it's on my mind today. I'll keep paying attention to my thoughts, for I'm thinking....... I can make some choices tonight...and in the future.

But this pain......is from my past. Something has been dug up. ............

(Heavy tears came when I read that last sentence)

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Im sorry you're going through such a rough patch right now. I do suggest you call your daughter and tell her these things. Maybe she'll understand?

[Zane]

My friend you are making so much progress and I am proud of you. I know when past wounds are dug up it can hurt alot and make us cry.

I remember crying and being depressed so many times whenever the subliminal dug deep but with time everything got healed.

I know what it feels like.. To think that you are responsible for certain things in other people's lives and trying to help them to a point where we loose our peace and serenity..

But you will get out of this.. Believe me.. You will.

[findingme]

Im sorry you're going through such a rough patch right now.

To both of you:

I'm not sorry I'm going through this. Seriously. Not at all. This is why I'm using LTU, to finally let go of stuff. Honest crying is letting go of old stuff.

I have a growing piece of joy inside me right now, as I've waited for decades to let this stuff go.

When I began writing in my prior post, I could only identify regret. My feelings were too jumbled to see a root, but my feelings said I was getting close. By the end of my post, I was seeing a root and reason, and I cried heavily. I tried stifling it to "think" it through.....but that was just avoiding the pain. Yeah, I tried. Old habits. When I got in bed two hours later, I resumed crying. I needed that.

The root is I've felt like a failure all my life since I couldn't make my alcoholic mother happy while growing up. And "facts" don't help here. How would a child know it wasn't his fault? I didn't, and I've been stuck there. This affects EVERY part of my life: every relationship (or LACK of, purposefully), every job choice and decision, my decisions to NOT socialize........every damn thing, everyday. Feeling like a failure....damn.... everywhere I look I foresee some failure, a pain which I avoid each and every day. Me using E2 long-term relieved me of some daily pain and fear, but it didn't dig up the root. I had not seen USLM4 in my LTU run so far, but........something is moving now.

I'd rather be here healing ANY day vs. sitting in old beliefs and revisiting the same emotions and thoughts. That's recycling my misery. Hell no. I'd rather be HERE.

THANK YOU Shannon!

[findingme]

Didn't sleep much after that last post. Loops ended around midnight, waking me up.

Was looping some Air Supply this morning since the chords are relaxing. And I remembered something. I was in 8th grade, my first year playing french horn in the band, and the instructor chose me to play the lead solo in Willie Nelson's "Always On My Mind". It scared me, but I played 2 practices before he pulled it since we weren't jiving with it; it was a marching piece, and tbh, it's not a marching song. I've been stuck on some feeling with it, a sadness. Why?

Was it feeling I'd missed another opportunity?
That it mirrored other "losses" in my mind?

Yeah. That's it. I've been stuck on that feeling, not letting it go after all these years. Even playing French horn is symbolic here, as I still associate it with melancholy themes. If there was anything consistently stressful playing French horn, it was thinking people might think "I" was melancholy. My fronts/lies were all I had to protect me. So I hid it from myself, or at least I tried.

I was melancholy, and jealous of people who weren't. I ran from the feeling quite a bit, feeling shame when I let it out, and I'd pull away from people--as I didn't know how to accept it. Isolating was my only way of being honest with myself.

That's me this morning, spitting stuff out. Feeling like I'm in 8th grade again, literally. Images and feelings of those days are popping up.

Question: we used to have an attachment icon where I could share YT videos in my posts. Is this possible in the new forum setup? I turned on some Chuck Mangione. Listening to "Feels So Good".

[findingme]

I've had 3 awarenesses today, all stemming from LTU.

First, I noticed my driving was different this morning. I'm not as hesitant to move, and I even noticed it driving home from work. I've had some fear for years, always some rationalized fear of using too much gas, wearing the tires out quicker, anything. This morning I didn't punch the gas. I just wasn't afraid to move, at all.

The next one is huge for me. I mentioned it recently, but it was being worked on today. I was still processing something unknown from LTU this morning, and I felt this fear rise up. I was thinking about good moves coming my way, I thought out my choices I have.....and somehow it just clicked. Fear of failure has steered and guided every single decision I've made in life, and it is still steering me. I realized clearly why I am where I am in life, and it all goes back to a fear of failing. I am seeing in my mind why I do or don't do so many things. I'll expound on this in future writings, for it's painful. No good relationships, no setting of (honest) goals....and that's where I am. It's not comfortable.

And lastly, when I started writing, I felt scared of saying something dumb and being rejected, so I began putting on the "looking good" mask. It's an old trauma I've had surface since using LTU, which came from my relationship with my brother. Like I had to put up walls around my heart so I could write. Just thought I'd mention that in case this changes in the future. That's where I'm at.

I'm also (surprisingly) not overwhelmed. I'm a little sad, but not overwhelmed.