SE 5.5g Progress

[JCasterlin]

I began SE 5.5g two days ago & I'm very impressed so far. I've been struggling for so long to just be able to let go , relax emotionally, & do my own thing instead of being distracted by what others are doing whether it's at work or anywhere else. I now see that as a real possibility. Like a few others I have been reading The Six Pillars of Self Esteem. That by itself has been eye opening as cliche as that sounds. @Benjamin posted in another journal a link to an article about how low self esteem is the root of all problems. Given what I've experienced the last two days & what I've read in the book so far, I agree 100%.
I now understand why I have been struggling at my job to progress quicker than I have. Because of almost crippling low self esteem I've been sabotaging the absolute fuck out of myself. I know the instructions say to listen for three months. I've already decided I'm going to run it for six

[Benjamin]

I had to slightly change the title, because there's a weird bug with 2 journals of the same name it sometimes goes to the wrong one. But you might want to change it to something else.

[JCasterlin]

I had to slightly change the title, because there's a weird bug with 2 journals of the same name it sometimes goes to the wrong one. But you might want to change it to something else.

Done

[JCasterlin]

Day 3 - Getting the instructed listening time in as I set a playlist with six SE tracks. Making sure I don't accidentally put it on loop so it stops when the sixth track is done. I feel really good this morning. I have been thinking about how I have always done things I didn't want to do out of fear or some guilt imposed sense of obligation. I now understand how unhealthy & toxic that is. I am having a difficult time putting into words how I feel. In some ways it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Or is at least easing up. I feel it's because for so long I've had so many mental & emotional attachments to how I , other people, or situations in general should be that I made myself miserable when that wasn't the case. I now see how all of that was or is driven by ego, unrealistic expectations, & possibly a need for control. Its liberating to realize that & start to learn to let go.

[THolt]

Day 3 - Getting the instructed listening time in as I set a playlist with six SE tracks. Making sure I don't accidentally put it on loop so it stops when the sixth track is done. I feel really good this morning. I have been thinking about how I have always done things I didn't want to do out of fear or some guilt imposed sense of obligation. I now understand how unhealthy & toxic that is. I am having a difficult time putting into words how I feel. In some ways it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Or is at least easing up. I feel it's because for so long I've had so many mental & emotional attachments to how I , other people, or situations in general should be that I made myself miserable when that wasn't the case. I now see how all of that was or is driven by ego, unrealistic expectations, & possibly a need for control. Its liberating to realize that & start to learn to let go.

How do you feel SE is affecting your interactions with other people?

[JCasterlin]

Day 3 - Getting the instructed listening time in as I set a playlist with six SE tracks. Making sure I don't accidentally put it on loop so it stops when the sixth track is done. I feel really good this morning. I have been thinking about how I have always done things I didn't want to do out of fear or some guilt imposed sense of obligation. I now understand how unhealthy & toxic that is. I am having a difficult time putting into words how I feel. In some ways it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Or is at least easing up. I feel it's because for so long I've had so many mental & emotional attachments to how I , other people, or situations in general should be that I made myself miserable when that wasn't the case. I now see how all of that was or is driven by ego, unrealistic expectations, & possibly a need for control. Its liberating to realize that & start to learn to let go.

How do you feel SE is affecting your interactions with other people?

Too soon to say for the most part. I haven't been out & about much but I have noticed I feel way more relaxed & less in a hurry. Yesterday morning I was waiting for the Costco pharmacy to open & a woman told the person working there that she was going to just go sit by me for a bit. Probably a coincidence but that doesn't happen often.
This week at work should be interesting though as I don't feel the the anxiety or hesitation about certain parts of my job.That was something I noticed Friday. I have always admired folks that have a quiet confidence. I may appear to be extroverted but a lot of times it's actually the exact opposite. Not out of shyness or anything but because I enjoy solitude & silence.

[Greenduck]

How come you quit E2?
Did you take the instructed break in between?
Just looking out for you.

[JCasterlin]

How come you quit E2?
Did you take the instructed break in between?
Just looking out for you.

I realized that E2 would take a while to do what its meant to do. At least for me. Right now I want & need something that will give me thicker skin & the ability to deal with what life throws at me. I took a break of a few days but that's it

[JCasterlin]

Day 5 - This is the most fun I've had with a sub so far . I don't realistically expect for every day to be this way . I've switched to only listening to while I sleep for the instructed loops. I am using the Ocean Surf Hybrid version. I thought it might be difficult to sleep while its playing but its incredibly relaxing. I have woken up the last couple of days feeling better than I have in a long time.
I had a dream last night or early this morning about being a bigger guy and wanting/needing to lose weight and get lean. I've always wondered how much of my issues with weight have been psychological and now I know. I can see over time as I listen to the sub how I will have the increasing desire to take care of myself. I was told so many times be it in my teens, twenties, or early thirties that I need to love myself first. I now understand why that's so important. If I'm right Shannon said you don't need to believe the subs will work for them to do what they need to do. I would think though that it would go a long way if you felt you deserved them to work for you. I've spent a lot of my life quitting or giving up on things because I didn't feel like I should have or be able to do something I really wanted. I now see how that not only caused me to sabotage myself but also lose out on things I may have really enjoyed. I'm not doing that ever again.
I now at least to a point understand why I've been struggling with progress at my career/job. I have been feeling that I didn't deserve to do as well as others. Or make the commissions that other people have. I let ego get in the way. One of my favorite quotes " in order to be good or great at something you first have to suck at it "
As I mentioned before I've been reading the Six Pillars of Self Esteem and it's started helping to understand how I have not only gotten in my own way but how to change that as my self esteem increases

[JCasterlin]

Day 5 update - I forgot to mention that my plan going forward is to run SE for no less than six months. If after that time AM7 has been released I may purchase it at that time & run it . If not I will probably continue with SE 5.5g

[JCasterlin]

Day 7 - One week in I continue to be impressed by what this sub is doing for me. Its done more in one week that a lot if not all prior subs did in months. I still have self doubts but they are rapidly going away. I've been far more assertive at work which I was not expecting but given the need to be to do my job the way I want to having that increase is awesome . I no longer focus on what I might be missing out on or what other people are doing. I used to have an occasional habit of trying to get into conversations other people at work are having. I have the awareness now to not do that. I have so much more ability to be patience & delay gratification . As someone with ADHD that is huge. I no longer question my ability to do my job. I realize that the only things I need to do is be patient so I can gain the knowledge & experience it requires. The only real issue I'm having is to not listen to the sub beyond the instructed six loops a day

[JCasterlin]

Day 10 - For the last several years I have been on a mission of sorts to become mentally & emotionally mature. Far beyond what I have been at whatever point in my life I was. I always found a way subconsciously to sabotage my best efforts no matter what my intentions were at the beginning. I can now say that I see this finally becoming a reality. Like I said in my last post , I have learned to delay gratification as well as think & plan ahead instead of throwing a monkey wrench into what I was trying to achieve as I did in the past. I continue to surprise my supervisor at work with my willingness to learn the skills necessary to become great at my job. Even though I was awarded Employee of the Month for April I missed a few days in May & struggled for most of the month. In the process I feel that I lost some of the respect my supervisor has for me. I've now taken the initiative to remain as focused & committed as possible. Not allowing myself to get distracted or engage in unnecessary & time consuming socializing.
Yesterday I also submitted four online applications for a second job I now understand is necessary for the time being. Previously I was concerned that it would possibly interfere with my main job but I now know that by not being so stressed out about finances I will be able to focus more on improving at my main job. Being someone who has embraced minimalism the idea of adding something seems a bit contradictory but considering my goals it makes a lot of sense. Its not permanent. Eventually & hopefully sooner rather than later I will be able to completely embrace what's important to me for who I am . That is self mastery & freedom.

[JCasterlin]

Day 3 - Getting the instructed listening time in as I set a playlist with six SE tracks. Making sure I don't accidentally put it on loop so it stops when the sixth track is done. I feel really good this morning. I have been thinking about how I have always done things I didn't want to do out of fear or some guilt imposed sense of obligation. I now understand how unhealthy & toxic that is. I am having a difficult time putting into words how I feel. In some ways it feels like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Or is at least easing up. I feel it's because for so long I've had so many mental & emotional attachments to how I , other people, or situations in general should be that I made myself miserable when that wasn't the case. I now see how all of that was or is driven by ego, unrealistic expectations, & possibly a need for control. Its liberating to realize that & start to learn to let go.

How do you feel SE is affecting your interactions with other people?

So far SE has helped a lot with that. Especially at work when dealing with negotiation situations. I've been far more assertive & felt far less needy . Almost zero desire to seek any sort of validation. I've embraced minimalism for the last several years & now with running SE its become more about asking myself if I really need something or can it wait? I don't feel the desire or need to interrupt people when they're talking. I never would have thought that so many of the issues I've been having were or are tied to low self esteem but now that very much seems to be the case

[JCasterlin]

Day 11 - A weird but cool side effect of running SE. I used to think or feel that being a so called " Alpha Male " is or was the epitome of masculinity. That to be successful that's what I had to become. As a result of listening to SE I have completely lost interest in pursuing that. Does it mean I won't purchase AM7 when it comes out? That depends on where I am at, at that time & if I feel it's necessary. If I do it will be because I want to be what Shannon calls the " Ascending Alpha " . It's kind of cool but crazy to think that all it's taken is for me to focus on improving my self esteem to learn to let go & not give a fuck what other people think. I'm saving not giving a flying fuck for days I have had a Red Bull. Right now although my life is about to get a bit busier as I start a 2nd job I feel a contentment I've never had . I was feeling a bit anxious earlier today but running SE took care of that.