01-07-2018, 02:04 PM
Hi, I'm back after a long time of not visiting the forum.
I wasn't actively keeping up a journal but I have done about 6 months of E1 and 4 months of E2 without breaks in between. After that I took a long break of around a year from subs and tried several other healing modalities without playing any subs.
Now I'm looking to get back into subs and trying to find out what the best sub for me would be now. I've made a lot of progression, although still am not where I want to be.
I was content with EPHRA, in that it made me start taking care of my health in ways like never before. It made me go back to the drawing board and install new healthy habits. I choose EPHRA since I wanted to clean out all the emotional garbage before trying a sub like AM, since the theory is that this will lower resistance while on AM. It did a lot for me on the physical cleansing part and also some emotional improvements but I feel that the same fundamental issues in me are still there, they only have become less in strength. Generally speaking I'm doing pretty good most days, but there's a lot of room for improvement still.
So far I can see there are a lot of new products now and it would be nice to get some advise on which sub would be the best choice for me now. I'll try to paint the picture of my current state in detail so I can get some good advice. I've researched all day on the forum, but still not sure which choice would be best.
The things I want to improve on with my next sub:
- Feeling stressed/anxious when sitting at a table with other people and communicating, like during lunch. I feel uncomfortable speaking out loud and being in the center of attention. This sometimes gets as bad as making my heart pound in my chest. Other times I'm more relaxed and playful, and can be somewhat relaxed, when I'm more in control of my emotions on good days.
However there's always a baseline of stress when being around people and communicating with them, especially in these situations where more than 2 eyes are looking at me. This stresses me out for some reason. It feels like everyone can really look at me and see that I'm a bit anxious. When talking to just one person I feel uncomfortable holding eye contact. I feel vulnerable and afraid of people's judgement of me.
- Somehow I've managed to get a somewhat high position in a startup company, I was kinda lucky for this opportunity tbh plus I did a great job so my boss gave me a change. This shows the improvement I've already made. For example I used to get panic attacks in a lot of social situations. That never really happens anymore, only at meetings where I have to speak in a group. This is what I need to improve. It's now impossible for me to speak calmly in these settings.
- Women aren't my focus, because I want to focus on my self-improvement first. But for the greater picture. I don't have a lot of confidence with girls. It's because I feel very vulnerable. Rejection lingers on in me for a long time, I think because it resonates with some limiting beliefs I still carry.
- I'm not feeling comfortable speaking out loud. I lie a lot because I'm afraid of conflicts, when there is one I direct my anger inwards instead of expressing it. I feel like I'm not good enough. General a low self-esteem about myself in social settings. I compare myself a lot. When there's an alpha personality in the room I get triggered immensely and feel bad about myself, not feeling good enough.
- Troubles with authoritative figures, they instate fear in me. I feel inferior.
- Holding eye contact is hard on most days, some days are better
- I experience lack of self-esteem. It's in my family, all of my direct family members have this trait. I haven't had a severe traumatic youth. On a lot of parts I'm pretty confident about my abilities, such as: Intellectual, musical, career-wise. So it's not that I'm not confident about my abilities. When I'm alone I feel good, but when around people I feel I'm on guard all the time instead of really enjoying others people presence and conversations. I'm not as playful as I would like to be.
- I would love to speak my mind totally comfortable around people and not feeling so insecure and vulnerable and always a bit shied away and not saying too much, cause I feel bad when I "make a mistake" and say something stupid or whatever.
- Getting triggered when other people are laughing at me or making fun of me. Feeling very uncomfortable when this happens.
- Generally I feel good and I have mostly good days these times, I have a pretty good baseline now. But still I feel that a lot of my behavior is some sort of managing strategy that manages the issues I still feel inside of me. I'm pretty good at acting cool and confident at work, while deep down I'm still afraid and feel vulnerable.
So I'm really looking for something to give me permanent results in the long run and improve upon the things as described above.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, feels good to be back on this forum!
I wasn't actively keeping up a journal but I have done about 6 months of E1 and 4 months of E2 without breaks in between. After that I took a long break of around a year from subs and tried several other healing modalities without playing any subs.
Now I'm looking to get back into subs and trying to find out what the best sub for me would be now. I've made a lot of progression, although still am not where I want to be.
I was content with EPHRA, in that it made me start taking care of my health in ways like never before. It made me go back to the drawing board and install new healthy habits. I choose EPHRA since I wanted to clean out all the emotional garbage before trying a sub like AM, since the theory is that this will lower resistance while on AM. It did a lot for me on the physical cleansing part and also some emotional improvements but I feel that the same fundamental issues in me are still there, they only have become less in strength. Generally speaking I'm doing pretty good most days, but there's a lot of room for improvement still.
So far I can see there are a lot of new products now and it would be nice to get some advise on which sub would be the best choice for me now. I'll try to paint the picture of my current state in detail so I can get some good advice. I've researched all day on the forum, but still not sure which choice would be best.
The things I want to improve on with my next sub:
- Feeling stressed/anxious when sitting at a table with other people and communicating, like during lunch. I feel uncomfortable speaking out loud and being in the center of attention. This sometimes gets as bad as making my heart pound in my chest. Other times I'm more relaxed and playful, and can be somewhat relaxed, when I'm more in control of my emotions on good days.
However there's always a baseline of stress when being around people and communicating with them, especially in these situations where more than 2 eyes are looking at me. This stresses me out for some reason. It feels like everyone can really look at me and see that I'm a bit anxious. When talking to just one person I feel uncomfortable holding eye contact. I feel vulnerable and afraid of people's judgement of me.
- Somehow I've managed to get a somewhat high position in a startup company, I was kinda lucky for this opportunity tbh plus I did a great job so my boss gave me a change. This shows the improvement I've already made. For example I used to get panic attacks in a lot of social situations. That never really happens anymore, only at meetings where I have to speak in a group. This is what I need to improve. It's now impossible for me to speak calmly in these settings.
- Women aren't my focus, because I want to focus on my self-improvement first. But for the greater picture. I don't have a lot of confidence with girls. It's because I feel very vulnerable. Rejection lingers on in me for a long time, I think because it resonates with some limiting beliefs I still carry.
- I'm not feeling comfortable speaking out loud. I lie a lot because I'm afraid of conflicts, when there is one I direct my anger inwards instead of expressing it. I feel like I'm not good enough. General a low self-esteem about myself in social settings. I compare myself a lot. When there's an alpha personality in the room I get triggered immensely and feel bad about myself, not feeling good enough.
- Troubles with authoritative figures, they instate fear in me. I feel inferior.
- Holding eye contact is hard on most days, some days are better
- I experience lack of self-esteem. It's in my family, all of my direct family members have this trait. I haven't had a severe traumatic youth. On a lot of parts I'm pretty confident about my abilities, such as: Intellectual, musical, career-wise. So it's not that I'm not confident about my abilities. When I'm alone I feel good, but when around people I feel I'm on guard all the time instead of really enjoying others people presence and conversations. I'm not as playful as I would like to be.
- I would love to speak my mind totally comfortable around people and not feeling so insecure and vulnerable and always a bit shied away and not saying too much, cause I feel bad when I "make a mistake" and say something stupid or whatever.
- Getting triggered when other people are laughing at me or making fun of me. Feeling very uncomfortable when this happens.
- Generally I feel good and I have mostly good days these times, I have a pretty good baseline now. But still I feel that a lot of my behavior is some sort of managing strategy that manages the issues I still feel inside of me. I'm pretty good at acting cool and confident at work, while deep down I'm still afraid and feel vulnerable.
So I'm really looking for something to give me permanent results in the long run and improve upon the things as described above.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated, feels good to be back on this forum!
