3rd day on OGSF

[findingme]

I changed it Shannon. I read the rules days ago, and not discussing religion was not missed by me since, well, I'm working on that issue now in my 12 step group. I'd not thought it was potentially volatile........but I've not had your experiences. Religion, politics--all subjects laced with fire and explosive materials in many, many circles.

[findingme]

By the way, the script library gives you the base script for the 3/4G programs, but not the meta-script or the higher level scripts. Hope you're enjoying my stuff.

Thanks Shannon

I found the scripts days ago. And I also realized the powerful stuff is not shared

Something new is emerging. I think it's called trust. Also, from a productivity perspective, it's called common sense. You have so much experience and talent crafting these. Why would I want the "less effective" route? You even give some away (which I'd missed before purchasing )

I've read the 5 or 6 things specific to the script, and I've only fully understood one in context: the high speed track scripting. I've never done this myself, and considering time--no, only time--using the DIY method is not honorable (to me, or others) nor productive.

I've both seen and experienced this tension in my years in 12 step groups. For if nothing changes, nothing changes. I made a craft of that for many years. But me beating myself up seeing others change.....eventually made me surrender. I felt weak doing so. But noone around me treated me as weak. Very unexpected.

It's summed up in a saying which stuck to me: if you want what we have, do what we do.

So I'm not making subs on the side using your scripts. I'll do what I need to do here. In fact, yesterday I searched for something for my 12 year old daughter going through a bit of depression. I found positive thinking, positive mindset, but you don't recommend them for her age. I'll ask for direction here: I did find the Depression Aid script, but it's not sold. May I ask for a recommendation in this? Thanks

[findingme]

Thank you both About and Eternity. I honestly feel like my mind's being jumbled up, mixed up, shaken up, and like I've read about, my normal reactions are not there like it was. And it's only Day 6.

Thank you for pointing me back to me.

I'll take it easy. 90 days is a long time, enough for me to reset some standards, goals, and norms, so I'll allow it. One day at a time.

[findingme]

I'm going to spit this out before I dismiss it and regret it later.

Mind you, I was at my ex's today, one of her new dogs ran away, and my ex is stuck in "this is BAD, this is BAD!" mode. Hopeless thinking and gravitation towards dismal possibilities. Seeking people's commiseration so she's "right" about feeling "bad".

My part in this chaos: I brought up to her, right before I left, about using subs for our daughter's depression. Well, since my ex loves the attention for misery (my judgement, mind you), she blew off this since....again, my judgement.....it came from me. I've always felt pain from her rejection of me since (am learning this now) it reminds me of me rejecting and abandoning me, a childhood tragedy I've not unlearned yet. I learned how to manipulate others to "love me" instead of me changing me. My part is I played a victim role to her for many painful years, I played being dependent on her completely, and she just looked to be validated in her pain without changing anything about herself. My mind went through this cyclical pattern and damn, it's MISERABLE. Just absolutely sucks.

I'm here since yes, I do need help. People can only suggest what works. I'm hanging on to OGSF for 90 days, but I await the self validation, emotional maturity, and getting out of the victim role training in EPHRA 2.

If I can say this, I will, and I am (I sound like the OGSF script now). I'm actually grateful for the wait period. In it, I face me and how I really feel about things. I ran and ran many, many, many times. Sitting in my discomfort, like right now, I've read and experienced, has a lot of value. I don't enjoy discomfort and never have. But the few times in my life I've sat with it, I found other tools and help along the way. I've had my perspective change in the middle of it.

I can't change her. I can change me. The script says I won't accept manipulation to feel guilt, shame, or fear. And I've relinquished control to her many times when she's swimming in her pile of crap. I'm not comfortable any more in it. I WISH I could change her. But........but is all there is. I'm not in control of her. I am, momentarily, in control of me. I can only change me.

I listened to the silent sub maybe 8 or more hours today. Am listening to it now. Now is all I have. I feel a little freer, depending on where my thoughts go to next. And something in me is changing. I can detect some resistance, but one thing at a time. I'm only in control of me.

[findingme]

I did keep a note to ask a question here.

Has your procrastination changed while doing EPHRA? I read it has scripting to counter self sabotage in emotional matters, so I'm wondering if others' motivation and drive changed while using it.

I read yesterday that Shannon said procrastination was basically related to some guilt, fear or shame we have about an issue. So just possibly, I'll stumble upon it while using OGSF. I'm unsure, so I'm asking.

[findingme]

Been reading the posts today. Just sharing it, I think I'm not moving as fast as I "think" I see others moving. It hit me directly the first day. Been pissing me off around a childish coworker, even yesterday. (and I'm completely contradicting my opening statement now).....here goes.

Yesterday I was at work, normal day. I'd read something early that morning about trusting someone or something else besides myself that day, and it stuck with me. I also was leading a meeting that night, so the reading had application. I wasn't sure about myself looking at that night's meeting.

In short, I did ask for help. And within seconds of me doing so, I felt it. I felt grief. I'd not thought that good years back, but I realized I did need that. Going forward means letting go of some things. I thought of absent relationships, of abandonment and me abandoning others, about me pulling away from many, and I cried....in short bursts. I sat in the passenger seat of a large, noisy, moving vehicle, and I shook and cried for 10-15 second bursts, at least 10 times throughout the day. The driver never noticed.

I've had bursts of grief come through in recent years............but I felt more peaceful and accepting of it now. It'd usually come, and I'd allow it, even like it, but within 30 minutes I'd go stuff it down with caffeine, food,......just anything to hide from it. The idea of "losing control" would create fears which I built upon since my stuckness was predictable and I felt like I had some control.

I didn't "need" to do that yesterday.

And today, I am simply comparing the progress of yesterday with the lack of emotional showings today, but it's early morning. I'm at home still. And......sitting here, I detect grief. I pushed it down before writing, but sharing and thinking about it has revealed it. It's not a suffocating feeling. Just a real feeling in my gut. Something I've had for many, many, many years. It's been "normal", my stuck grief.

This is me, right now. I am changing.

If it's of consequence, I've also had some frequency music playing. It's titled "417Hz Release Subconscious Fear and Trapped Negative Energy - Dissolve Unwanted Patterns". No subliminals in it. Just music. I've been exploring frequency music lately, using it from time to time. I found this just last weekend.

[findingme]

Day 8

Today I was home. I had my silent sub running all day, and I was in both the forums and the shop exploring other subs. My day began writing about my shame, and it seems, it's ending that way.

I've been PMing another member here this morning, and it (looking back) was all about shame. He'd asked a question, and I replied emotionally. Honestly. I shared how many of my life choices these last 10 years have had shame, and the fear of it being discovered, making my life choices.

I shared it since the fear of disclosing it has had a STRONG hold on my life. How everything from driving into town, to speaking to vendors about business products, has been [smothered, smeared, covered] with my fear of anyone knowing this. Isolation isn't best....but I've used it since I've had no other tools (to my awareness) yet. I've lived a continual lifestyle of waiting for someone ELSE to validate me. To say I'm good enough. To encourage me. It puts all relationships at risk of me running, or them running. Those who stay.....I'm not sure are all there

I looked into E2 and E1 again since validation, self love, and maturity are things I've actually seeking........mostly from others.

And these last 3 hours I've been looking at BASE again since it has SO MANY scripts in it, nonetheleast are the ones pointing me to validate and love myself (Ephra 1), plus the motivational ones for procrastination and such.

Sidenote: I realized tonight my occupation with BASE is based on fear and hiding my shame. "If I perform/succeed, I'll be acceptable"

Maybe......it's resistance. Likely. I've had it running over 24 hours, and I'm going to sleep tonight without it so my mind can rest.

My night ended reading a PM. A guy shared his perspective on my writing, he gave his, and his words touched me where I safely cried here a few minutes in my bed. He saw hope where I hadn't, and I felt sadness just reading his words. He let me know I wasn't alone.

[findingme]

Day 9

I'd like to say I had no major emotional changes today, but I'm editing my original words now. I did have some.

I felt (just about 30 minutes) of resistance. The kind that says "he's an a-hole! I'm hating life!" I've not felt much in the last 3-4 days, and my mind went to "listen to the subs more". I had them off last night due to continuous listening for the prior 24 hours.

I read Shannon mentioning how our resistance will pop up, scream and rant, sabotage us if possible.......until the new teaching overpowers the old teaching. So, I'm listening to silent subs again now. He even said there's a point in our minds when the resistance will fight, fight, fight......then finally, just submit and learn. I'd like to find that thread again for my own awareness.

I'm really wanting and desiring a no-self-sabotage message. E2 has this--and maybe resistance is still screaming or pouting now--since I'm facing this "it's not so bad over THERE!!" in my head. The illusion is it is easier. I've read some posts, and often E2 can be rougher at times. I'm going to sleep on it and see what changes tomorrow.

[findingme]

Embarrassing question: Am I NORMAL?

I disconnected today, stayed home from work (a business deal I've been working on is coming through this month)........and switched from OGSF to E1 this morning. I have had OGSF running a week with good results.....and today I felt a real need for something MORE. I felt I'd scraped off some fear and shame....and I sat empty and unmotivated, which is a MAJOR draw for me to subs....why I'd been making my own for over a year (?). My created subs lately were focusing on organizing my life (mentally and physically) and I liked the results. I began E1 since it had the self validation aspect, which IMO I can fall on when things/my thinking goes south. Without it, I make everyone "the" person who might rescue me. E1 is better for all involved

Ok, I am out of my norm of work, rest, work, rest. And I did do a large coffee at 8PM last night after a meeting. I honestly didn't think I'd be up until 5AM. I'd have gone in (maybe). I'm in a temp position presently, so there's no major consequence. (and not entirely true)

But my focus is on me being motivated/focused/organized........and purposeful. My present job completely misses that. I communicated with some vendors yesterday to ease my new company into reality come later in the month, and that is purposeful to me. It motivates me, and I'm seeking more....


..........damn. dammit. I'm realizing something sitting here. INFP in action: insight.

My present reality has been survivable mainly since I've been able to avoid the pain I've felt:

working a low paying job going nowhere
being unmotivated to enter a honest, healthy relationship (which is more important than I've realized)
being around my ex and daughter. I've felt unwanted by both except to be used. Sucks for me. My daughter models her momma.

So, my use of subs has been to get out of that reality, that pain. The idea of either BASE or AM moves me. I'm in this spot I've been a number of years, and I'm just not comfortable any more!

I'm running presently, but I don't know why (yet). I wish I were more grounded presently, but it's all fear based. I know fear, hide in fear, and even welcome it due to its familiarity, like comfortable uncomfortableness.

I switched to E1 seeking some motivation. I looked into LTU, but people said it's incorporated in AM.

This, to me, is shameful. I'm writing asking men to direct me. To approve of my decisions (might be hammered though).

This is my cycle: be successful, maintain, then destroy it so people will "fix" me. Just realized also: a fear of responsibility (or failure handling it) is HUGE for me. The destruction of my success has been preferred often due to growing fears of failure. I admit this, seeing I've done it in various areas of life.

I am asking for possible solutions. What might really help me? Insights do help, as my view can be limited. Thanks.

[findingme]

Day 11

I switched back to OGSF around 1AM. I'd been reading journals a while, and I found some going through resistance. Going through mine had me returning to old victim mentality, and pleading for a rescue.

Oh well. I am human. It happens.

[Darkness]

Embarrassing question: Am I NORMAL?

I disconnected today, stayed home from work (a business deal I've been working on is coming through this month)........and switched from OGSF to E1 this morning. I have had OGSF running a week with good results.....and today I felt a real need for something MORE. I felt I'd scraped off some fear and shame....and I sat empty and unmotivated, which is a MAJOR draw for me to subs....why I'd been making my own for over a year (?). My created subs lately were focusing on organizing my life (mentally and physically) and I liked the results. I began E1 since it had the self validation aspect, which IMO I can fall on when things/my thinking goes south. Without it, I make everyone "the" person who might rescue me. E1 is better for all involved

Ok, I am out of my norm of work, rest, work, rest. And I did do a large coffee at 8PM last night after a meeting. I honestly didn't think I'd be up until 5AM. I'd have gone in (maybe). I'm in a temp position presently, so there's no major consequence. (and not entirely true)

But my focus is on me being motivated/focused/organized........and purposeful. My present job completely misses that. I communicated with some vendors yesterday to ease my new company into reality come later in the month, and that is purposeful to me. It motivates me, and I'm seeking more....


..........damn. dammit. I'm realizing something sitting here. INFP in action: insight.

My present reality has been survivable mainly since I've been able to avoid the pain I've felt:

working a low paying job going nowhere
being unmotivated to enter a honest, healthy relationship (which is more important than I've realized)
being around my ex and daughter. I've felt unwanted by both except to be used. Sucks for me. My daughter models her momma.

So, my use of subs has been to get out of that reality, that pain. The idea of either BASE or AM moves me. I'm in this spot I've been a number of years, and I'm just not comfortable any more!

I'm running presently, but I don't know why (yet). I wish I were more grounded presently, but it's all fear based. I know fear, hide in fear, and even welcome it due to its familiarity, like comfortable uncomfortableness.

I switched to E1 seeking some motivation. I looked into LTU, but people said it's incorporated in AM.

This, to me, is shameful. I'm writing asking men to direct me. To approve of my decisions (might be hammered though).

This is my cycle: be successful, maintain, then destroy it so people will "fix" me. Just realized also: a fear of responsibility (or failure handling it) is HUGE for me. The destruction of my success has been preferred often due to growing fears of failure. I admit this, seeing I've done it in various areas of life.

I am asking for possible solutions. What might really help me? Insights do help, as my view can be limited. Thanks.

Answer of day: yes

[Kol]

Seems the sub is doing you good.

[findingme]

Thank you Darkness and Kol. I've been thinking of my choice for a sub, and I focused on going to the root. Part of me knew it was smart. I just didn't REALLY know about the resistance I might face. Shame and fear, I realized today, have been the constant in my life. Emotionally, part of me wants to hang on to them. It's SUCH a head game these last few days, and I'm really grateful I've been reading other's experiences handling resistance.

For example, I'll want to do one thing, like listen to this for 60 days. BUT.......now I've got a loud voice sometimes saying something completely different. It's very incongruent presently. And immediately while writing that, a feeling of grief surfaced. Like I'm saying goodbye to an old "friend". This was.....my norm. My lifestyle. My reality. I feel like I'm writing one of those movies, where you hang on to your seat, anxious to see the next direction. (Just wrote that and never connected it. I love soundtrack music since it pulls me here, pulls me there--sounds like my experience here)

And, I could wonder (worry) what I'll replace it with. I have, shortly. Worry is easy. But I'm kind of resting on something which I am hearing again and again and again in my ACA group: as your inner child learns to trust you, he'll emerge, showing you who he is (and who I want to be).

Yeah, shame has been my reality for decades. It was family training, like we've all experienced. But dismantling it will surely bring new highs, and also.....new lows. Handling both highs and lows will be a new experience.

Hell, I've seen some already. And truthfully, I expect more. I'm not all happy about it.

[findingme]

I was reading yesterday on E2 (I believe), and something caught my attention.

Shannon said the sub will keep working down, digging down to find related issues, and focus on eliminating them (I'm paraphrasing bigtime). This validates why he suggests a listening time from 3-6 months on major subs.

I'm wondering if all 5G (and up) subs dig like this, or only E2? I'm on OGSF, I'm actually looking for good things to look forward to, so I'm asking.