EHPRA Journal

[mat422]

Trying to control me... control issues frequently undermine subliminals and hypnosis. And control issues are always, Always, ALWAYS based in... fear.

So familiar, all these things that you speak of. Phone anxiety, fear of the unknown, control issues, and on and on. Watching you is like watching a younger version of myself.

I've come to realize this stuff is a lot more prevalent in our society than most people think. I've met a bunch of people online who have shared my struggle word for word and it baffles me every time. And the biggest threat to individuals who struggle with this stuff is constantly being told that it's something they just have to live with for the rest of their life. For me that just never sat right so I've constantly looked for ways to move past it. It's unfortunate that a lot of people aren't open to this stuff. I'm hoping once I move past all this I can inspire hope in those lost individuals like myself.

But wow, are you doing well with this. I have to say it made me feel pride in you and your successes and progress when I read those last couple posts.

It definitely feels good. This feels like such a major stepping stone in my life right now.

The dream is rather amusing, because the program is designed to shift your state (which your subconscious represented as hypnosis) and do so in the right ways for accomplishing the goals of the program. That was one of the most straightforward dreams I have ever seen for communication from the subconscious mind to the conscious mind. I'd say your subconscious now fully understands that this is not something it needs to resist, because it's in control of how this script is executed. (Self optimizing polymorphic)

Good to know. Even after having this dream I kept worrying a bit that I'd lose that trust somehow like I'd just slip back into old ways. I didn't want to say anything was final just because I've jumped to conclusions kind of fast in the past. But I think that's just a remnant of dealing with that resistance for so long, I still expect it to be there even when it's not. It might take a few days for it to really sink in haha.

Now as for the heaviness and tiredness, I'm inclined to believe that's not resistance, but a deep state of inward focus that is being aimed at deep healing. I experienced that when testing the program. I would listen to it at night, and feel like that all day the first day, and then half the second day, and now that feeling has passed, but I feel vastly more relaxed and at ease, as if I have had some sort of emotional bath, massage and release of physical stress I didn't even know I had! My previous "norm" was very tense physically compared to how I am feeling lately. Very nice.

Ah that makes more sense. Good to hear that was a positive thing going on.

i can't tell you how good it feels to know people are getting benefit from this program. This makes all the time and energy I spent developing and building it well worthwile.

Absolutely. I'm so grateful for all the work you put into this creation.

[4Kingdoms]

I also had a realization why I'm having trouble reading some books I'm interested in learning from. A lot of the books I'm reading come from people that are a lot better at what they do than me, which triggers that comparison reaction. So I'll be trying to read but thinking things like I'm so far away from being as good and knowledgeable as them about this material. That causes stress and then I lose focus. Little by little, I'm noticing this behavior decreasing and it's made it easier for me to focus because my self worth isn't tied up in learning something.

Isn't that the purpose of learning from someone with more experience than you? Model your behavior after their success; so you can become successful at a faster, quicker pace??

It's good that your need to compare yourself to them is decreasing. Eventually, the student becomes the master and surpasses the teacher.

[LionKing]

i can't tell you how good it feels to know people are getting benefit from this program. This makes all the time and energy I spent developing and building it well worthwile.

So far EPRHA v2 seems supremely valuable. Potential for major major life changes - I'm having partial sight into a whole different way of being. No other option at this time but to feel grateful for it.

[Shannon]

When I finished EHPRA 2.0, I got this really strong feeling that the last 23 years was all to get me to this point - and this point, EHPRA 2.0, is really just the first in a series of subliminals that represent accomplishments of what I am really here for.

On the one hand, that made me feel awesome. On the other hand, it made me feel exhausted! lol But it feels awesome to have finally accomplished at least one of the real reasons I'm alive.

[mat422]

I also had a realization why I'm having trouble reading some books I'm interested in learning from. A lot of the books I'm reading come from people that are a lot better at what they do than me, which triggers that comparison reaction. So I'll be trying to read but thinking things like I'm so far away from being as good and knowledgeable as them about this material. That causes stress and then I lose focus. Little by little, I'm noticing this behavior decreasing and it's made it easier for me to focus because my self worth isn't tied up in learning something.

Isn't that the purpose of learning from someone with more experience than you? Model your behavior after their success; so you can become successful at a faster, quicker pace??

It's good that your need to compare yourself to them is decreasing. Eventually, the student becomes the master and surpasses the teacher.

Logically that makes sense. But that stemmed from an emotional issue of feeling like I was never good enough. It just added more fuel to the fire. It's really hard to describe unless you've been there. It was like feeling like I was going to fail before I even started reading.

[Nox]

I also had a realization why I'm having trouble reading some books I'm interested in learning from. A lot of the books I'm reading come from people that are a lot better at what they do than me, which triggers that comparison reaction. So I'll be trying to read but thinking things like I'm so far away from being as good and knowledgeable as them about this material. That causes stress and then I lose focus. Little by little, I'm noticing this behavior decreasing and it's made it easier for me to focus because my self worth isn't tied up in learning something.

Isn't that the purpose of learning from someone with more experience than you? Model your behavior after their success; so you can become successful at a faster, quicker pace??

It's good that your need to compare yourself to them is decreasing. Eventually, the student becomes the master and surpasses the teacher.

Logically that makes sense. But that stemmed from an emotional issue of feeling like I was never good enough. It just added more fuel to the fire. It's really hard to describe unless you've been there. It was like feeling like I was going to fail before I even started reading.

I used to have this exact problem man! I had to start switching up why I wanted to learn. I had to go from "this dude is way better than me at this... Why bother if I'm never going to be number 1?" to "I want to learn this because it interests me, and not for any other reason."

Basically I was competing against people I had never met and never would. As soon as I consciously started to learn things fo enjoyment instead of competition it started to help.

[mat422]

I also had a realization why I'm having trouble reading some books I'm interested in learning from. A lot of the books I'm reading come from people that are a lot better at what they do than me, which triggers that comparison reaction. So I'll be trying to read but thinking things like I'm so far away from being as good and knowledgeable as them about this material. That causes stress and then I lose focus. Little by little, I'm noticing this behavior decreasing and it's made it easier for me to focus because my self worth isn't tied up in learning something.

Isn't that the purpose of learning from someone with more experience than you? Model your behavior after their success; so you can become successful at a faster, quicker pace??

It's good that your need to compare yourself to them is decreasing. Eventually, the student becomes the master and surpasses the teacher.

Logically that makes sense. But that stemmed from an emotional issue of feeling like I was never good enough. It just added more fuel to the fire. It's really hard to describe unless you've been there. It was like feeling like I was going to fail before I even started reading.

I used to have this exact problem man! I had to start switching up why I wanted to learn. I had to go from "this dude is way better than me at this... Why bother if I'm never going to be number 1?" to "I want to learn this because it interests me, and not for any other reason."

Basically I was competing against people I had never met and never would. As soon as I consciously started to learn things fo enjoyment instead of competition it started to help.

That's definitely the way to go. I've been internalizing that mindset more and more these days and I've been way more productive.

---

Anyway, I've been thinking back on my life and I've seen opportunities that really slipped by for me. This might get a bit long, but I feel like this has to do with the "do what you love" thing that got taught to my generation.

I'm not against people following their passion. But you need money and sometimes that means a bit of compromise. Something I wasn't willing to do when I was younger and I missed out. That and fear of failing or not being good enough at the demands of the job. Basically I interned at a data center for a bit and my boss recommended some books for me to read and study up on networking and let me mess around with some routers to learn. But I didn't take it seriously enough because I thought I would just find something better that clicked for me. But that never happened. I was also struggling with some serious depression and anxiety at the time that made focus very hard.

As I bring this up I'm not dwelling on what happened or beating myself up because the circumstances were unchangeable at the time for me. But it highlights two important things. 1 is underestimating my capabilities. Any job with a high amount of responsibilities was just seen as a potential failure resulting in getting fired. So I automatically pigeonholed myself into low wage jobs that would keep me on that cycle of struggling to get by. And 2 my incredibly black and white thinking and the wrong assumption that because I didn't absolutely love my job I shouldn't take the opportunity. I was unable to see that, yes it wasn't the most fulfilling job but it would provide me with financial stability and then I could pursue my true passion which is music. It doesn't hurt to have a backup plan.

I honestly don't know where I rank on intelligence and I know there are people way smarter than me. But I know one of my strengths is resilience and I'm able to keep going even in the toughest situations. So with that in mind I've been searching for jobs that reflect the higher value view I've had of myself lately. I've basically reached a point where I believe I can do better, I just have to try instead of being afraid of failing at it.

[mat422]

After sitting on those last thoughts for a while I realized some of those realizations came from a scarcity mentality when it comes to money. I've never been too motivated by money and it's really important for me to find something that I feel is fulfilling. Otherwise I feel like I'm wasting hours of my life collecting paper. But society would have you believe money is the ultimate goal.

When it comes down to it, I'm pretty sure I'm still battling with fear. Caught between making the safe decisions vs the right ones. At least now my temptation to give into the safe decisions isn't as strong and I trust my gut instincts more. I take back what I said about following your passion. I think if you want it bad enough and you don't let fear get in your way, you can do it. Regardless of what others say. And they'll say a bunch of stuff because they're operating out of a limited view of what reality is. For a while I thought I was just being smart and weighing out the potential risks vs benefits of going after difficult stuff, but there's nothing smart about giving into fear and believing you won't make it before you even try. This is how fear likes to hide for me. Under the guise of being a rational and "realistic" person. But there are some base needs that are necessary. A roof over my head and food on my plate, but beyond that the sky is the limit and anything else is just a limiting belief about why something can't be done.

In the meantime I'm still trying to get a job. I'm still struggling with that a bit but it's getting better. I think the biggest problem is my past experience in retail being horrible and that left a lasting impression on me. So now I view a lot of those retail jobs through the filter of it being a horrible experience. I try and keep an open mind but those types of jobs are constantly filled with gossip, favoritism, and pettiness that I'd rather do without in my life. Now I can't tell if it's fear preventing me from going through with it and getting a job there or my instincts kicking in and advising me not to put myself in that situation. If it came down to it, I'd rather be able to put up with a crappy situation and be somewhat financially secure rather than avoid it in hopes of finding something better and having the anxiety of not having money loom over my head.

[RTBoss]

We all have a path to walk that centers on our own individual strengths and passion. When you truly follow that, whatever it is, you come to ignore the obstacles and live for that which is your path/purpose. The missed opportunities related to that path will always come around again, as none of us can be kept from meeting the goal of our true purpose when we strive for it. Clearing the fear, shame, guilt, and anxiety will only help to strengthen and clarify the path. Keep at it, brother!

[mat422]

So I got my answer to all my questions I pondered in that last post haha. It's funny how I can go to sleep completely lost and wake up the next morning feeling like I found the solution.

Anyway I have to exercise my boundaries more. I have to do things I'm afraid to do, otherwise they'll continue to haunt me. This sub has been pushing me to do those things, but there are still moments where I can stonewall that. I keep retreating to my comfort zone, but luckily it only lasts a day or two and even then I keep moving forward in small ways instead of completely shutting out the world like I used to do.

I know this sub has overcome the victim mentality. I never thought I had one, but after seeing the transformation in my thoughts I realize how many excuses I'd make for not being able to do things in the past to push my boundaries. The fact is I'm not trying as hard as I could be, I still run away at times. Fear is no excuse to avoid things. Yeah it sucks and it's caused my life to essentially go off the rails a bit, but bringing my life back on track is my job and if I keep telling myself I can't do things then I won't be able to do them. I want things to be easy for me, but nothing in my life has been easy so I have to make peace with that and keep moving forward.

I like writing in this journal because it keeps me accountable for my actions and following through on what I said I'd do. I know I won't succeed 100% of the time in not giving into the fear, but I'm going to do my best to not allow it to control me.

[mat422]

Had an interesting very short dream last night. I was walking some dogs and then I saw this car swerving like crazy. I jumped over it at the last second so it didn't kill me. It crashed and then a whole bunch of zombies started coming out of the woods. I was terrified and normally with my dreams bad stuff happens to me, I almost never survive. But it was like this flash of fear and then I decided I wasn't going to let them kill me. So I pulled out a gun and offed every single one of them John Wick style haha. I've never had a bad dream where it's turned around like that so fast, so it was cool.

And this is kind of unrelated but I've been beating myself up a lot about this job searching thing. Some days I really don't see anything and my first instinct is to keep grinding away until I do. But I realized there's only so much you can do before you just start needlessly wasting energy that could be involved in more productive tasks. For example, I'm going to start learning HTML and CSS. Having said that since running EHPRA 2.0 for a bit I'm actually applying to jobs now and actively searching for them. Something that filled me with so much fear before half the time I couldn't even bring myself to go on a job site. So there's definitely progress. I'm probably going to aim for at least 1 quality application a day. I'd rather spend most of my day working on 1 quality application than a bunch that were thrown together hastily in order to fulfill some quota.

Maybe this is a suggestions from the sub but I've realized progressively overcoming these fears in steps is more effective than just jumping off the deep end. Throwing myself in the deep end always seemed to make things worse for me. And I felt bad about that at times because I'd see other people overcome their fears in one single big step, which never really worked for me. But that's what works for me so I'm going to stick with it. Better to move forward at a slower pace than rush things and end up further back from where you started.

[mat422]

I'm probably just gonna let off some steam here about something that's been on my mind.

I'm not assertive enough. I don't know what it is, but being assertive with people feels like overstepping my boundaries. Which is funny because if I need to be assertive with someone 9/10 they really crossed the line because I'm a pretty easygoing person.

I've got a job interview tomorrow for a sales associate position. I'll see how that goes. My main concern is what management is like. That can really make or break a job for me. Managers that are on constant power trips are the worst. I'm trying to really get rid of that fear of being fired. I find that's one of the fears that keeps you anchored to a crappy job.

As far as anxiety goes. I'm a lot more calm than I thought I would be. Normally by now my thoughts are racing about not being good enough for the job, the mistakes I might make, how to make a good impression, etc. But now it's kind of like here's my skills, here's me, hire me or don't it's up to you. Sounds kind of arrogant but a lot of that other stuff is just approval seeking. I feel like approval seeking was instilled in me at a young age under the false pretense of being "nice". And if I wasn't "nice" I was shamed for it. Stretch that over a few years and bam, you've got a recipe for an individual who derives their sense of self worth from what others think of him . Along with that comes the inability to assert himself because being "nice" is more important. No more of that.

[Nox]

I was also a nice kid growing up. Crazy how that supposedly good quality screws you later on.

[mat422]

I was also a nice kid growing up. Crazy how that supposedly good quality screws you later on.

I think it's actually a good quality to have. The thing that screws us is being taught that nice=approval seeking/validation. If I'm honest I've had a lot of situations where I uphold that "nice" identity just so people like me more. It's like being nice and expecting something in return, which isn't really nice at all. Parents should be taught the perils of trying to raise the perfect nice kid, it results in internalized shame for the expression of so called "bad" emotions.